Day 133 - Suppressions

I notice that I suppress a lot when it comes to interactions with women especially and also just generally interactions with people. This holds most prominence when it comes to my interactions and encounters with women. As I noticed that back before I went into a relationship I was finally breaking free from this pattern of ‘being afraid to talk to women’ and then as a sort of byproduct I chose the first person that was really interested in me to go into a relationship. Which I did not know and did not expect that doing so would end up compromising myself because in the attempt to maintain the relationship I suppressed almost any and all interactions and potential sexual encounters and/or relationships with any other women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my interactions and dealings with women and people in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my sexuality and sexual expression with women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my ‘seeking out’ of women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my sexuality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress who I am in my relationships and dealings with people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my relations with women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted  and allowed the fear of doing what I need to do in self-honesty for myself and all as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order to be fulfilled and to be happy that I must enter a relationship and suppress all my desires for other women or my desire for a more perfect woman or desire to fuck a random woman that wants to fuck me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be in a relationship in order to be fulfilled mentally, emotionally, and physically disregarding the evidence that if this relationship is not in the image and likeness of totally devoting ourselves to each other in every way then I will not be fulfilled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my desire for a beautiful woman with the perfect features mentally, emotionally, and physically because ‘its not possible’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be in relationship in order to be fulfilled emotionally, physically, and mentally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my desires for women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be in a relationship with someone in order to have sex with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect a certain outcome when it comes to women and relationships.

I commit myself to express myself sexually openly and freely without worrying about the dynamics of relationship/marriage and whether it is ‘ok’ or ‘not ok’.

I commit myself to stop suppressing my interactions with women.

I commit myself to seek out what I resist and have resistance towards doing and/or resistance towards acting in a moment as that indicates what my program does not want in order to keep me enslaved.

I commit myself to talk to women and express myself openly with women.

I commit myself to stop expectations of any particular outcome with women and just live and be. 

Day 132

Self honesty

Self honesty as I see it is doing what is best for all in all relationships formed.

Self honesty when it's a particular experience towards something or someone but lingering or suddenly arising a hint of doubt but then ignoring that self honesty because your feeling or experience was different before and you want to go on that experience as a means of doing what is best is not self honesty because the doubt arose and you should have listened to that and made an immediate action that was best in that moment. Ignoring that little piece can have huge consequences. Self honesty is remaining constant and stable with regards to one's relationship to oneself in always doing what is best for all. Also it is not necessarily trusting all the experiences or viewpoints that the mind can give you. Those things by themselves are not substantial proof of an outcome that is best for all. But they can show you what you are allowing within so that you can direct it and become a better version of yourself. Self honesty is also synonymous with self trust because in order to do what is best for all you have to trust yourself including your doubts.

Day 131

I keep feeling like I just need to write, write, and write some more. But I don't know how to be self-honest in my writing. Sometimes I am and my feedback is self-evident in the effects. Other times I seem to ramble on about things that are not necessarily important in that moment - like now there was a pause and I felt it to be rambling.

Other times whenever I focus on my experience of myself - I do better with regards to getting the good feedback that I am being self-honest.
In my self forgiveness I feel like I've gotten to a point where I do self-forgiveness fairly self-honestly. At this stage it will at least pertain to something in my life that I'm dealing, going through, or experiencing that needs direction. I usually write and say out loud. Whenever I'm driving I say out loud.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of consequences for drug use.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing my will, power, and myself within drug use or because of drug use.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my self-potential. 

Day 130

So today Im kind of feeling/experiencing this sort of drought. I say drought because it feels like I am missing something from myself. And also feeling a bit 'hungover' from the kissing and stuff me and C were doing last night.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need cocaine and other drugs to be happy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that drugs are the key to self-realization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of missing out on life's pleasures such as sex, money, and drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of not having the ability, the will, or the capacity to change myself into a version of me that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself with my coworkers at Dominos.

I forgive myself that I have acceptred and allowed myself to suppress myself and my expression with my coworkers at Dominos and Giles.

Day 129

Today was interesting. I sort of experienced myself very differently than usual whever I was in the Orlando airport. It was like being blasted into another universe whenever I walked into the are before security with the superhigh ceilings and sun shining through the windows on the triangular ceilings. So that was different. 

Day 127

So today was ok. I’m trying to get along with my journeyman. And there was a moment today whenever I started to get real emotional after lunch and specifically the point I thought about  that was in congruence with my emotional state was conversely linked or somehow indicative of my intake of high fructose corn syrup. But instead of losing my shit I took some deep breaths. Slowed down. And said ‘I am the sweetness of life as life in me’. So that helped and then I got to doing what I needed to do in my job. I need to take more initiative at work and doing what needs to be done instead of waiting for instructions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get comfortable with and expect my journeyman to tell me what to do and how to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect my journeyman to tell me how to do everything and tell me what steps I need to take in every situation. 

Day 126

Today I’m experiencing myself differently than I have been for quite awhile now. With essentially more stability and therefore more comfort and awareness. Last night after doing dishes at work I noticed a change in how I experienced myself/felt where I was afterwards more stable with more awareness. 

I went back to sleep and slept for a couple more hours. I could feel this sort of ‘fogginess’ within my mind but really I think what it was was a more substantial ‘hold’ or ‘basis’ for the mind to influence me such as the tendency to move in thought was substantiated, the tendency to voice certain things whenever I am feeling ‘irritated’ was substantiated. And essentially to move with and as the mind was substantiated after sleeping the extra couple of hours.

So today I can see that I’m very emotional in a self-victimizing sort of way. Feeling like shit and feeling pissed off and feeling sorry for myself. Fuck.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I hate life. I hate people. I hate the world. Fuck life. Fuck the world. Leave me Alone”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a victim to the world not realizing that everything that I experience is due to my own participation in creating instead of taking directive principle in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a victim to my own experience instead of realizing that I have created my experience up until this point within my own participation within certain fears, thoughts, emotions, and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not responsible for what goes on within my own mind and the thoughts, emotions, feelings, and words that exist within and as me as my relationship to myself and others in my world/reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I am a douchebage’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I am an idiot’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I am stupid’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I am incoherent’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘my life sucks balls’. 

Day 125

This morning I got up and brushed my teeth first thing then made some coffee. And now I’m trying to figure out what I’m going to do the rest of the day. I need to do laundry. And I was going to do some research to see what would be the best pizza places to get a delivery job at.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of going to apply for a different pizza delivery job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to acquire all the information necessary before taking action or making a decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of taking action and putting myself out there before acquiring all ‘necessary information’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of doing the wrong thing and making the wrong decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of not knowing what I should do or what is best in a given moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of going out of my comfort zone to meet new people and establish new relationships/connections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of doing what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of doing what is necessary for me to have the best possible life and experience of myself in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of doing what is necessary for me to support myself financially in this world and have the best possible life. 

Day 124

This evening I’m writing because I’m kind of bored and looking for things to do and I found some time to sit down and do it so here I am writing. Today was ok. I have been drinking a lot of soda this week and have been conversely worried about weight gain as I have noticed that consumption of soft drinks especially one’s filled with HFCS can lead to weight gain and I have noticed that I have gained about 5-6 pounds of fat around my waist which is where I usually notice it first off.

So this evening I’ve experienced a sort of boredom and the desire to go out and do drugs and maybe have sex or get a blowjob from some girl. But I know that that street is not the best one and its expensive which I really don’t have the extra money for right now. Boredom sucks. But I’m trying to occupy my time constructively and do what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be occupied and consumed by the experience of boredom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be concocted into an experience of desire for drugs and sex and “living the fast life”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of repercussions for my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must use drugs in order to acquire sex in some form or fashion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that using drugs is going to help me change myself as a person into a version of me that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that using drugs is going to help me achieve enlightenment or a ‘newfound expression’ that is exemplary of my true expression as life in equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the ‘rush’ or ‘energy high’ from using drugs is exemplary of my true expression in equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must have a ‘rush’ in order to experience something ‘different’ and something ‘outside of my normal realm’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought “I hate my life- I just want to die”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought “Fuck everyone and everything”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘fuck it all. I’m done’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of getting caught using drugs by the police or by the people in my life such as neighbors, coworkers, girlfriends, and family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my own sexual tendencies and desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my desires and sexual tendencies will get me into “hot water” so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of sexuality in all its forms and formations in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that my sexuality is not in accordance with who I am as my true expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life sucks dick’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is too hard’. 

Day 123

I have this inkling to write this evening. Not exactly sure why but I do. And not exactly sure how I am supposed to write but I’m just writing for the benefits of writing so to speak. My reason for writing is because it helps me focus and sort things out within myself. So I do that because it supports me. And its like a different world whenever I write. I don’t know. My writing has very little direction to it. 

Day 122 Drugs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that drugs are worthwhile or something good as like a lifestyle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can realize my utmost potential through drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need drugs and a 'rush' to be happy and content within myself and within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need something outside of myself and my relationships with others to be happy and content in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need others to be happy and content.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that getting high on drugs is cool or laid back or a nice thing to do once in awhile.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that drugs are the key to happiness.

I commit myself to stop using drugs as a means to seek a 'rush' or 'high' outside of myself while not considering that this has consequences and that drugs should only be used as an emergency support or pickup when I am too weak to stand on my own two feet.

I commit myself to stop using drugs as a form of entertainment and 'something to do' and within that always seeking a rush or high that is apparently divine or holy.

I commit myself to stop using drugs as a means to escape facing myself and how my relationships are not in the form of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that drugs are a worthy endeavor to undertake to help realize myself.

I commit myself to stop my apparent addiction to cocaine and anything that may give me this 'rush'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need cocaine in order to develop myself in self honesty not realizing that this is actual self deception and self abuse that yields no long term or even short term benefit outside of experiencing a fleeting and temporary 'rush'.

I commit myself to align my relationships to what is best for all so that I may not be tempted to give into the desires of the mind in experiencing temporary 'rushes'.

I commit myself to care about myself, my body, and my well being and to realize that the temporary highs induced by cocaine or other drugs are not real not actually a part of me and only the mind as consciousness.

I commit myself to realign myself and my goals to what is best for all and realize that using drugs for temporary 'rushes' or ' highs' that are not actually needed as support in a low point but only to achieve 'more' happiness in a fleeting moment is not worth the time, energy, money, and consequences.

Day 121 - Shame

I feel boundless shame for what I have done to the desteni group. I feel like I have not given it my all 100% to bring about what is best for all life. And for this I am shameful. Yes there is / are many obstacles in my way in the form of money, location, family, friends, etc. But the boundless shame is more powerful than those obstacles. I yearn for the connection to the desteni group. I yearn for being an integral part of their community. I yearn to go to the farm, start an agreement with a suitable woman, and grow into a forest of life exploring myself in intimacy truly getting to know myself as my true expression - a super gentle, kind, caring, supportive being that yearns for self - intimacy - yearns for exploring the body - really delving into this intimacy. I can feel it. Its there. I know my true expression lies with a woman who is receptive and also yearns for this too and can feel my true nature. This woman wants to explore her true nature, beingness, and expression too and can feel that I am the perfect compliment - the perfect person to find her self-intimacy and self-love. 

Day 120

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate myself".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate my life"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought " I hate everything".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate women".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate life".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate people".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate people and this world is doomed".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I suck at reality".

I feel like my writing is not self-honest.

I care about myself.
I want what is best for myself.
I care about life.
I want what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the fear of doing what is best for all life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of becoming what is best for all life. 

I commit myself to write a blog daily sharing my self forgiveness and self commitments to see how it will benefit me and change me.

Day 119 Words Create

I care about my life.
I care about who I am.
I care about who I become and am becoming.
I care about life.
I care about all life.
I care about me.
I care about what I create and whether or not it is what is best and I care about what is best.
I care about what is best for all of me.
I care about life in general.

I commit myself to stop all drugs that do not serve the best of all of me.

Day 119

Im experiencing nervousness and anxiety to a certain extent. I experienced myself very interestingly on the way home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of self-honesty as life in awareness.

Day 118

Ok I feel pretty unstable rightnow. I was pretty much on cloud 9 and then I texted a woman which woke her up and she was perturbed by it but denied being perturbed. In the mean time I've been blazing through my stuff one hit after the other feeling pretty unstableas a result or byproduct. But as I write this and make sense of my experience as I stabilize my mind then another hit sounds nice and pleasurable. My breathing has been unstable and inconsistent too like all of the sudden I'll take a gargantuan breath. It is very interesting the effect writing has on self and self-experience and the mind in general. Its like a supreme form of introspection. And I just keep coming back to it because I experience the effects and the results from it all the time. Its like a form of giving to yourself the time and space to just let you out and let go and just express yourself. Thats what I really like about writing because its just me expressing me. It slows everything down. Makes everything clearer. Lets me be honest with myself for once.  

Day 117

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing my life as it is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of missing out on life as it is.

Day 116

Halloween night. Was outside a convenience just sitting there eating and drinking my diet soda and observing people going in and out and observing the people in cars next to me. Some chick kept staring at me like she was interested in me and I finally gave her and this dude she was sitting next to the shrug like what are you staring at kind of shrug. Then I would keep peeping over and she would still be staring at me. Then I looked over to my left and some chick who was Waving was like "are those chips good?" Through the window and I gave her the thumbs up and she gave me the middle finger. I wasn't really sure about the context of that whole interaction/situation like what was appropriate or nota within those conflict ą

Day 115

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "this world is doomed by self dishonesty".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "this world is doomed by the self dishonesty of Men and women together".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "this world is totally doomed and fucked to hell for all eternity".

Day 114

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being out on the streets with no money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of going through hell before I can become self honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing people in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of going to prison.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being without certain people in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate life for what it has done to me in all facets of my self image and self creation".

Day 113

Defining, Redefining, and Living Words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the process and experiment and practice of defining,redefining, and living words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of defining a word within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of redefining a word within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of living a word as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of living words.

Day 112

I feel terrible today. Don't really know why. I wish I could I just fucking get my shit together and be happy.

Day 110

I feel terrible. Wish my life was the way I want it. Just stable, clear, concise, and not always living in such darkness.

Day 109

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of breaking up with my girlfriend.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that if I break up with my girlfriend then I will not have anybody and therefore I will have lost something and therefore feel less than I did whenever I had her.

What is best for all within my relationship with Crystal? I think that it may be best that we don't see each other anymore given my well being throughout the relationship?

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand what is best for all between me and my relationships.
I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and undestand what is best for all between me and Crystal. 

Day 108

Today has been kind of productive.

Life:
Define: The essence of being.

Redefine: Life is Awareness.

Living: I commit myself to live the word Life within the context of awareness and being aware.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of commitment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "youre one of the most vile people I've ever met".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate my life - I want to die".

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the fear of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the fear of being an example of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand what is best for all within my sexual relationships as in who to be with and who not. 

Day 107

I feel so awful. Its hard to believe I could feel this awful.

I care about myself.
I love myself.
I care about my life.
I care about who I am.
I care about where I am.
I care about how I am.
I care about where I am going.
I care about all life equally.
I care about life.
I care about equality and oneness.

I want to do what is best for all and live what is best for all as myself through and through so that I can bring about a change in the world that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of what is best for all as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of doing and saying what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of life as what is best for all. 

Day 106

Today has been kind of rough at times and kind of stable and smooth at times. Especially earlier in the day it was a whirlwind of emotions because I was eating at a restaurant outside and a song came on that I knew would give me that feeling experience as reaction to certain words/concepts/ and tonalities within music. Turns out it did and afterwards I felt so terrible. Then after that whole debacle I kind of recovered with the help of some coffee and Gatorade. I went home and took a nap in my hot RV and whenever I got up I felt much better. I felt well rested and things were brighter perceptually and I wasn’t in so much darkness. But later on in the night I had this experience after drinking some coca cola where I felt really helpless, empty, insecure, and pathetic. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a loser.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the parts of me that I don't like and don't understand.

Day 105

Today I have experienced a lot of emotional shit. Probably because I didn't do any writing this morning like I usually do. Writing really does help stabilize my mind and allows me to go through my day smoother, especially whenever I write in the mornings before work. I also can do my job more efficiently and effectively whenever I write in the mornings because I'm more stable. Whenever I don't write I'm a lot less stable and trying to make up for the loss of stability through breathing doesn't always work. In my mind its like a storm of emotions that leads to more emotions which leads to less stability and then completing tasks and getting to a point of being on point with my job and the tasks that it entails is much more difficult.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the mind and the storm of emotion that comes with it. 

Day 104

I'm so tired of this relationship bullshit. C is on my ass 9 degrees all the time ever since I slept with another woman. And she's bitching about me wanting to write and do my self-forgiveness instead of dropping everything and going to stay with her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of doing what is best for all in all of my relationships.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of leaving behind the past and starting anew.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of letting go of the past and starting again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of letting go of the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of letting go of past failures and mistakes in relationships and in life. 

Day 103

Back home. No power. No electricity. Feel like shit and feel like a fool for thinking that S would be a good agreement partner or a potential agreement partner. I mean we have amazing sex but shes going to see another guy tonight so I mean thats like not what I had in mind for an agreement but shes been doing that style of relationship with the father of her son for going on two years now. I feel stupid. Very stupid.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of catching HIV/AIDS.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of catching another incurable STD.

Right now I feel real shitty and kind of calm at the same time. The energy in my head is the darkness that I experience/exhibit. Then there is the physical which is the fruit, the lamb, the comfort, the almighty, the soothingness. I can clearly see/discern that the physical is what is here and the mind as the energy in the head is not. Completely indiscernable in reality. The energy in the head dissipates when the mind stops and the physical is left to rest without constantly being bombarded by the mind as energy. The mind is complete separation from the physical as what is here. The mind as energy is indiscernable in reality. All one can see are the visible outflows/situations/abuse of the physical as the mind tries to understand reality - when in fact the mind is not in reality in anyway whatsoever. It is just a reflection of reality. So the mind as the system is busy conjuring images so that the real physical is bombarded with the reflection and thus the body becomes completely possessed by the images/the mind. Thus leaving the being occupying the body incapacitated by the bombardment of images thus as well or 'as' completely possessed. This is the nature of the mind as energy as it relates to reality which is the physical. 

Day 102

Today was ok. Did a lot of physical work at my job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing my girlfriend over silly stuff.

I’m fucking pissed off. Its crazy how one little thing or in one moment or instant I can get so pissed off. And feel so shitty.

I feel like shit. Again.

Fear:

Define: the experience of energy or separation that inhibits one from doing what is best for all

Redefine: the necessary evil to see who is life and who is not.

Day 101

I’m experiencing a lot of instability inside myself right now to the point of almost experiencing a panic attack. Like something is severely wrong. So what do I do? What is the point that requires attention? All that happened was that went inside and went into the bedroom and suddenly I was in this like panic state – very fearful of going to work in the morning and all that might entail.

Maybe I need to set for myself a job objective for working for Giles:

My objective at Giles:

To work hard, to work efficiently and effectively, to get work done on time or in a timely manner, to create long-lasting relationships with my employer and/or coworkers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my coworkers and my journeymen. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that my coworkers look down upon me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I am not good enough to be an electrician. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I will give up and quit my job at Giles. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I won't have the resolve to stick it out with Giles and the apprenticeship program of the NJATC. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of reporting abuse where I see it is necessary to report.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the past and it recreating itself in the present and/or future. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of recreating myself in terms of the words anxious, anxiety, and panic. 

Anxious: 

Defining: the experience of instability and great fear within oneself where one is at constant dis-ease with one's self and with one's environment to the extent of feeling completely alone, isolated, and distant from those around you. 

Redefining: Moving within awareness of one's inner turmoil to better face the issues/problems at hand to recreate self into a better version 

Day 100

Tonight has been very soothing and calming. It rained most of the night. At some point my experience changed from being really pissed off having all sorts of nasty thoughts to being peaceful and serene and it seemed like maybe it was after a couple of good tips and during/while it rained. I could feel this like urge and drive for expression - to have fun with others. I delivered one pizza where there were some people around my age drinking, partying, and smoking stuff. One was a cute girl with long brown hair - definitely the type of girl I would want to know and become friends with. There was an element of feeling like I'm missing that connection with people and especially the female part of it.

Day 99

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of defining, redefining, and living words as my creative power inside and outside myself and this world/existence as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of living words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being honest with me about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of real time change through defining, redefining, and living words. 

Day 98

Last night I went to bed a lot earlier than I wanted to after I got off the phone with my “girlfriend”. Then I woke up at 3:30. Then went back to sleep and woke up an hour later. I can definitely feel the difference from sleeping from 10:30 to 4:30 and/or from the waking up and going back to sleep part as far as the mind is concerned and how much my mind is active vs. not going to bed later and not writing a blog before I went to bed. Needless to say I feel like shit in comparison.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the hypnotic possession in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of how the mind moves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of when the mind moves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of how the mind operates.

I commit myself to learn how the mind functions and operates. 

Day 97

 Today I woke up in semi-misery. Not misery but just like feeling dead and empty inside.

Today has been ok. Not near as bad at work like this past week. Think it has something to do with writing more, posting blogs, and writing in the morning before work.

Today has been fairly cool. I actually got to joke with C alot making sex jokes or euphemism sex jokes. My night sort of ‘lightened up’ a little bit during that period of back and forth texting and especially after some of the scheduled drivers went home. I feel like that was the ‘point’ where things started to change inside of myself. Corresponding with the text messaging, call from my mom, and a lot of the other drivers going home. Not sure exactly the exact point which held prominence with regards to the change in how I was experiencing myself. That’s something I always wonder about because I can predominantly experience myself a certain for several days and/or predominantly experience myself a certain way a whole day or for a couple of hours and then it can all of the sudden change where I am now experiencing myself in a new way that feels better – and in less inner darkness and turmoil. Maybe it had something to do with the banana I ate after I ate some pizza. Maybe it had something to do with how I was expressing myself with others at work or with customers. These are all things that I wonder if they all have an equal role or equal part in how my experience is being created. Because at other times it can make no sense whatsoever as to why or how I experience myself in a certain – usually a very negative experience – or the experience has a very negative connotation – usually ruled by fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this world is doomed’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this world is fucked up’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this world is dumb’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this world is entirely my fault’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this world is entirely ego based’. 

I commit myself to care about my life, my world, this reality, and all the life that exists upon/within it. 

Day 96

Today has been a big pain in my ass. I went surfing which was fun but my chest hurts because my sternum protrudes and hits the board so it bruises. So that part wasn’t fun. Then I went to dunkin donuts with my “girlfriend”. And I wanted to have sex with her but she didn’t because I’m having an outbreak of herpes on my penis. Then I got home and tried to sleep some which didn’t work out too well. And whenever I couldn’t sleep anymore I was in this moment of being ‘stuck’ like I didn’t know what to do next. So I got a shower, shaved my head, and started studying. The studying is quite an arduous task because I’m trying to get it done all in one swoop instead of committing myself to study a little bit each day. And also as far what I should write down and what not to write down in order to move the studying along at a reasonable pace is another challenge posed within my studying. I also listened to a portion of a sermon of my brother’s pastor talking about the broader topic of “difficult people” and the sub-topic of “manipulative people”. This reminded me of my girlfriend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being manipulated by people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that if I am being manipulated then I will accept and choose a lesser version of myself because I will conform to their manipulation instead of what is best for all life as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of manipulation and the outflows/consequences of its acceptance and allowance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that manipulation will hurt me in the short term and the long term.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that if I am accepting and allowing myself to be manipulated then I will be condemned to a lesser version of myself.

I commit myself to study each day for 1 hour for that will allow me to better retain the information within my course.

I commit myself to care about myself and my life.

I commit myself to care about who I am, what I am, where I am, and how I am. 

Day 95

Today I went to work at my electrician job and my pizza delivery job. The most profound things that stand out to me were a couple of things that occurred whenever I was at the pizzas delivery job. I was doing my deliveries and I was singing a sort of song that I had just made up. While singing the song I got these feelings that I have been writing about and have been experiencing for a long time since I was 10 years old as earlier as I can remember experiencing these feelings. Afterwards I felt absolutely terrible, miserable, devastated, the whole lot of emotions that I go through whenever I experience these feelings – always afterwards. So within that experience I was completely and utterly miserable. So I decided to just fold boxes to keep myself focused on something and occupied. Afterwards I went on a delivery and still in the midst of all those emotions I didn’t know exactly how to handle it so I started saying self forgiveness out loud. “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate life”. “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as miserable”. “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will never get through misery and suffering”. “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought “I am miserable and suffering”. “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of misery and suffering to overpower who I am as life”. Some of those statements I just added in but the first few I said out loud while in the car on a delivery. As I was arriving back to the store I noticed an immediate change in myself where I could continue on without being in such a perpetual state of being miserable and therefore suffering inside of myself. Later on I did more forgiveness. “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about life”. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing myself into a version of me that cares about life and respects life – a version of me that is best for all”.

I commit myself to be careful about my exposure to certain music and even singing music in familiar tones that would invoke or provoke these feelings within me that so clearly send me into undesirable emotional states.

I commit myself to practice self forgiveness out loud to see how I can benefit and change as a result.

I commit myself to be aware of the words and the vocabulary that defines and exhibits certain emotional imbalances so that I can see the essence or the words that I am dealing with regarding these experiences of emotional imbalances.

I commit myself to care about life in all forms equally.

I commit myself to care about myself, my life, my well being, and my utmost untapped potential. 

Day 94

Today I had a really good day on the job training to become a licensed electrician. I really enjoyed the work, it was hot, it was hard work, and very physically demanding which I enjoy. I actually learned a lot my first day and really jumped in there hands on to get the tasks I was assigned completed. I didn’t really have an emotional reactions or experiences at work because when you’re working with your hands and doing manual labor you really don’t have time for it – you have to be efficient in what you do and get in there and do it – the mind takes a backburner big time. Overall your physicality takes over and you just go with it doing each task as they are assigned or needed to be done. I did however have some ‘disturbing’ thoughts sometimes throughout the day and then especially after I left the jobsite. It was like this ‘paranoia’ or ‘homophobia’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in paranoia about others thinking or believing that I am gay.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that others think or perceive me as being gay.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of homosexuality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and participate within homophobia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within homophobia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the concept or idea that I am homosexual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that I am homosexual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire men.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have sex with men.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire penises.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire male genitalia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as bisexual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being bisexual is cool or appealing to the opposite sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being bisexual is a real form of sexuality or sexual expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be bisexual.

I commit myself to stop my desire for male to male sexuality.

I commit myself to stop my fear of male to male sexuality.

I commit myself to stop my thoughts of being with a male.  

Day 93

So today I had this period in the morning where I went into this experience where I was having thoughts/backchats incessantly about the people I work with, my current job, and then it branched out to the world in general.

So the nature of the thoughts was like really nasty stuff like ‘I hate this place’, ‘so glad I’m leaving this place’, ‘I hate all the people I work with – their all abusers’. All kinds of shit of the like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I hate all the people I work with because they are all abusers’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I hate my job, my coworkers, and my boss because they are all dishonest people with no self-will and self-integrity’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I hate all of life because it is all a lie and all bullshit with none of it real whatsoever’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is all just a fallacy’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is bullshit’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is a chaotic hell-hole with no self-honest people willing to change themselves and therefore the system as a whole’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is an egotistical mess with no self-integrity and no self-honesty’. 

Day 92

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of living dangerously.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being in an agreement with somebody.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being a good person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of living my self expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of living self-expression in self honesty.

I commit myself to live myself within self honesty.
I commit myself to live my self-expression within self-honesty.

Day 91

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate my life, I hate C, I hate everything".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate everything about C".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate everything about my relationship to/towards C".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate myself for allowing C into my life as a relationship".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate my life with C".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate my existence within and as relationship with C".
I commit myself to care about my relationship to/towards C in the context/form of what is best for all.
I commit myself to form my agreements/interactions with her according to what is best for all.

DAY 90

So today I had this experience where I was at home in my rv doing my studying and I was having trouble concentrating on the lesson material. I had planned to go to a couple places or call them to follow up on some job applications. Because I was having trouble concentrating I decided to go to the store to get a 5 Hour Energy thinking it was going to help me concentrate better. My experience on the way to the store was calm, cool, collected. I could feel my body almost in a way that I've never felt before and/or am not used to. I don't know if that's because of all the good sex I got the night before or if it was just indication that I was doing the right thing at the moment by getting out of the house and going to the store (maybe not necessarily for the reason that got me to get out and go the store however). So I went to the store sort of in a mental experience where I was semi-frustrated that I couldn't concentrate like I wanted to. But my physical body was telling me something different by way of how I was experiencing my body getting out of the house and going somewhere. So it was almost like in my mind I was experiencing a certain thing and expecting it to continue as if my mind experience embodied or accompanied my entire physical experience all the time - but like I said the physical was revealing something different than what I expected to experience - my body was feeling nourished by way of getting in the car and going somewhere. So in my mind it was almost like 'I can't let go of me!' as in my physical experience was changing but yet in my mind I wanted to 'hold on' to my mental experience of being frustrated and semi-pissed off because I wasn't moving through my lesson material like I wanted to or 'should be'. So in my mind I was 'going to the store to get a 5 hour energy' and my body was telling me 'I'm glad you just got in the car and went somewhere'. So interestingly enough my body was feeling nourished - but in my mind the actual mental experience of being pissed off and frustrated was actually sort of fading or diminishing like my total physical experience was overpowering my mind experience or pushing it to the backburner. But in my mind I was like 'oh no! must not let go of this frustration and anger and being pissed off!'. So I went to the store kind of semi holding onto my mind experience because after all 'thats what got me out of the house' was 'i need a five hour energy' so I was on the mission to fulfill this 'want' or so called 'need'. So I got the 5 hour energy and drank it afterwards like I usually do. And right after that was when the mind experience sort of 'took over' and I could feel the sort of 'rush' that was going through me like my neck and chest all of the sudden got tighter. And whenever I left I decided to go to another store to get more 5 Hour Energy for cheaper because I spent more than I wanted on the ones I just got. And whenever I saw the store it was like a quantum physical leap in my experience - all of the sudden I was completely 'pissed off' and my face was in complete 'mean mug' mode and so now my body encompassed this mind experience all in one leap whenever I saw the store I was going to. Almost as if the store itself and/or potentially my quantum physical relationship to that store activated this entire personality and it was in full head on mode from there on until I went home. I was in mean mug mode the entire time I was driving to the other places looking for the locations that I was seeking but didn't have my phone/gps to get there. The only point where it stopped for a moment was when I went into Papa John's to follow up on one of my job applications. So it was like that all the way until I finally got home and when I got home I took some breaths and chilled out and I was fine - the entire experience/bubble was like bursted all in one fell sweep of arriving home.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into mean mug mode and completely pissed off because I see a corner store/convenience store I've been to before. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my 'mean mug' and 'completely pissed off' personality or 'state' was in fact a real experience instead of seeing it as a mind experience. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of how people perceive me whenever I am 'pissed off' or 'looking for attention'. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek attention from others from states of being 'pissed off' so that within that I am like 'look at me! I am pissed off right now!'. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek attention from physical deliberations that are declarations of being 'pissed off'. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek attention from others and especially females for my states of 'being pissed off' and 'hating everything'. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anything emotional used to gain attention is anything resembling real self-expression. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a moment overcome with anger and hold onto that anger for several minutes even an entire half hour. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto anger experiences whenever I see that doing so is only causing me headaches in the future. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'I hate the world and everyone in it'. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'this world sucks ass'. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'i hate everything'.

Day 89

So today I have been contemplating how to 'direct' and 'deal with' this point of where I'm sharing things on facebook about people being brainwashed - and specifically the point of people sort of coming out of nowhere particularly one individual who commented on several of my posts saying what I was sharing was 'hogwash' and 'crap'. Basically this individual nullifying what I'm posting as illegitimate and that I must accept 'his way'. Within that basically confirming that he is in fact brainwashed. So within myself I basically wanted to say 'youre a fuckin asswipe' 'get off your soapbox idiot' 'what a fucking idiot' 'what a fucking moron' 'fuck you asswipe'. All kinds of things to sort of defend myself and nullify his point of view. Within this in my mind I was looking at how he exists as some sort of an existenial part or reflection of something within me that I need to direct and take responsibility for. So here I will do forgiveness on his part.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fury and anger to anybody that would question my point of view to the point of trying to degrade or nullify their point of view.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to those who confirm brainwashing actually exists.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to those who would like to nullify my point of view, question my intelligence as a human being, and try and convert me to their lesser form of brainwashing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to those who abuse me because they cannot handle the truth of themselves and this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to those who would like to abuse me because it is in their prerogative.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to those who would like to destroy my point of view and confirm their own brainwashing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse people in self interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others whenever they present something that would question my point of view and/or present something that would confirm my brainwashing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear as it pertains to any piece of information that would disclose that I am in fact brainwashed and cannot help myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of letting go of the fear of brainwashing so that I can see the reality of brainwashing, how it exists, and how it functions in the minds of people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of letting go of my brainwashing so that I can see what it means to me and what it represents.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of brainwashed people/abusers.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being brainwashed and what it means to be brainwashed and how the mechanics of brainwashing occur and exist for all life on earth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being the point which exists for other people to see the truth of who we are as people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of people who question this world and the brainwashing that exists.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the patterns that arise in the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the relationships that I have formed with people in my own mind instead of in reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I am brainwashed and pre-programmed.
I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed the fear of the nature of how brainwashing exists today and for what reasons.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of abusing people who abuse people that stand for what is best for all. 

Day 88

I feel terrible tonight. I’m trying to ground myself and stabilize myself because I’m going through so much emotional shit tonight.

I care about myself. I care about my life. I care about who I am. I care about who I am becoming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘my life is fucked and I am doomed eternally’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is all about love’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is hell’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life fucking sucks ass’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is bullshit covered with pretty colors’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is an evil bitch’. 

Day 87 - Fallacy of Love

Don't trust 'love'. Don't trust any feeling. All lies. 'Love' has to be the living proof that you are standing as an example of what is best for all or else it is fallacy. Of course if you support those that stands for this and you call it 'love' then so be it. But your support must reflect the same goal in at least acknowledging and getting to know the mechanics of how you are brainwashed. Watch the 'Century of the Self' to get to know how you are brainwashed and how you must seek 'love' and 'happiness' because the brainwashers implanted the feeling of lack and offered the solution in the form of 'love' and 'happiness' which they connected to products so that they could make money. Study desteni and enroll in DIP Lite. Yes we will brainwash you into a version of you that is best for all so that we can together stop the madness of the mind and consumerism so that all may live a dignified life. Not an easy road ahead. Be prepared.

Day 85

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘my life is doomed and I am eternally fucked’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the feeling of self-righteousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of doing what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of going to work. 

Day 84

So today I had the same 'jump' experience whenever my roommate came into my presence again. I didn't have it whenever he first came into the house when I was eating but then whenever I was outside sitting on the couch he came outside and this 'jump' like 'jumpy with fear' thing happened again. Whenever I was talking to him there was like this feeling in my solarplexus not like a constriction like where I couldn't breathe but like it was 'mustering' energy or 'festering'. And within this is sort of a 'constriction' within the breathing but not full on like I've experienced at other points. This experience was more like breaths would come and go like all of the sudden I would breath in deep and breathe out because its not coming natural to breathe in 4 counts and let out 4 counts. Its like my breath is 'sitting' in my chest/solarplexus and coming out every now and then.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my roommate in anger whenever he is giving me a lecture about something.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anger when and as I see that my roommate is showing me that there is a problem with the living quarters.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my roommates' subversive tactics for showing me there is a problem with the living quarters.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my roommates reaction to something that's been done or hasn't been done in the living quarters.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be 'startled' or 'jumpy' whenever I sense that my roommmate has a problem with something to do with me or what I have or haven't done in the living quarters. 

Day 83

This morning I woke up and I went outside to smoke a cigarette. The first thought I had come up was an imagination/projection of being at work. Then I thought about my new rv that I’m renting and the people that I’m renting from and the memories from last night having dinner with them in the main house next to the rv.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly project myself into the future with my work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly access memories of being at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I am a no good piece of shit’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘my life is useless’. 

Day 82

So today I had a particular energetic reaction to a particular person in my environment specifically at my work so in my work context/environment. The reaction was sort of an offshoot of a reaction I had to the same person yesterday near the end of the day. So the nature of the reaction today was sort of similar to yesterday. The context of the nature of the reaction yesterday was as follows: We were nearing the end of the day a bunch of us coworkers including the boss just chatting because it was the end of the day and there was no more cars to do at that point. Somebody made a comment about what the boss was wearing as to 'where did you get that'. He replied "I don't know. I have a wife. I don't buy my own clothes". And then another person proceeded to envelop or try to produce some kind of an aspect of equality saying that he also doesn't buy his own clothes and never has. I replied 'so you're mom buys them all' - as I'm sure that considering his age he couldn't have had a girlfriend to buy him all of those clothes for his teenage years. And then another person reacted and said 'you're 20 years old Chris' - within the tonality of 'wow you should understand what he's saying - and you clearly don't get it - since you just asked him if his mom buys them all - like you're plenty old to get what he's saying - and you should too understand the aspect of letting a woman or your woman buy your clothes for you'. So within the question that I asked I was actually just asking a legitimate question 'well if you have never bought any of your clothes then who bought them?'. And he replied that his mom probably bought him some clothes when he was 13. So I guess its conceivable that through 13-21 he's had girlfriends however many there were buy his own clothes for him. And actually its really not and thats why I asked the question to point out his dishonesty. And I guess the reaction I had towards the other who responded to my inquiries as if 'I'm such an immature adult to not get this aspect of women buying clothes for me'. The nature of the reaction was 'anger' because I felt like he was belittling me and voicing out a preconceived notion or idea about who I am that he has conjured up in his head over time - and within the context of that preconceived notion - regarding me as something less than who I am - an idea - that 'this is an immature adult'. And essentially defending this guy's dishonesty because he's conjured up a preconceived notion about him that is 'he's cool. worthy. must worship him' kind of thing.

So today the same guy produced another reaction in me of 'anger' whenever he said something to me about something to do with doing something at work in a way that 'he knows better than me' kind of thing.

So these reactions were followed by deep 'disdain' for this person. With thoughts like 'hes an asshole' 'fuck him' and all kinds of that stuff.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at people in my environment for their disdain and disrespect for others in their environment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to produce disdain within myself where I would go so far as to 'want' or 'desire' for a particular person to 'fail at life' or 'life collapses' or 'goes through hell'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for others to fall.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for others to go through hell and back.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to produce anger towards someone or something for something they have conjured up in their minds about me that is not true nor an honor of who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shitty whenever somebody tries to belittle me in front of a group of people because they are trying to appeal to all of the past gossip and comments made in the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into reaction whenever I see that people are displaying aspects of past regressions that have not come into formation in real time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'that person is an idiot'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'fuck him. I hope he dies or goes through hell to learn from what he did'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'fuck everybody. fuck this world. everybody fucking sucks'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'I hate people because they are so dishonest'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'life is bullshit'.

Day 81

Last night me and C had sex. Then afterwards I passed out and didn’t do any of my writing for the day. It makes me think that maybe she isn’t the right person for me whenever I miss my writing because we’re together. I’m not always so sure about the relationship. I actually doubt the relationship a lot of the time

Day 80

In my mind I feel completely stifled and rejected by society.
Today has been rough. Especially this evening. Me and my girlfriend went to dinner and right now my roommate is not letting her come over at all so I haven't had sex with her in like almost two weeks so its getting ridiculous and I'm really sexually frustrated right now so I'm like losing my shit because at the same time I'm not getting sex to stabilize my mind and I'm also dealing with the acceptance and allowance of feelings which are making things in my mind worse especially the sexual frustration. Then I have worries about the future. I feel completely stifled in my mind and body this evening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing my girlfriend because we are not having sex enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of missing my chance in life to become the best version of me possible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing on life and not having the chance and opportunity to experience myself in a way that is good.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of not having the things that I desire or need in this life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being subject to the whims and desires of the system instead of what is best for all of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of going to the depths of hell in order to realize that I must change and stop myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of stopping the mind and living self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being the change I want to see in the world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of living change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am completely rejected and stifled by society.

Day 79

Tonight I’m feeling really shitty. When I was at Flagler Tavern I was in bathroom and a song came on that usually gives me these feelings of energy and this time it did it. I tried to avoid it but it just happened automatically like I couldn’t do anything to stop it. The association was built in layers with various thoughts and activation of these feelings to create the automatic response to the song with these feelings again. Again all feelings that arise due to music is nostalgia based. So its like ‘oh I relate to that song’ and ‘oh that song strikes a chord within me’ and ‘the song is meaningful’. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the activation of feelings while listening to music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the concept of nostalgia to build up associations of energy towards certain songs and tonalities within music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the idea of nostalgic songs activating certain feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse the feelings associated with certain tonalities and meanings of songs to give me a thrill rush.