Day 124

This evening I’m writing because I’m kind of bored and looking for things to do and I found some time to sit down and do it so here I am writing. Today was ok. I have been drinking a lot of soda this week and have been conversely worried about weight gain as I have noticed that consumption of soft drinks especially one’s filled with HFCS can lead to weight gain and I have noticed that I have gained about 5-6 pounds of fat around my waist which is where I usually notice it first off.

So this evening I’ve experienced a sort of boredom and the desire to go out and do drugs and maybe have sex or get a blowjob from some girl. But I know that that street is not the best one and its expensive which I really don’t have the extra money for right now. Boredom sucks. But I’m trying to occupy my time constructively and do what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be occupied and consumed by the experience of boredom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be concocted into an experience of desire for drugs and sex and “living the fast life”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of repercussions for my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must use drugs in order to acquire sex in some form or fashion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that using drugs is going to help me change myself as a person into a version of me that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that using drugs is going to help me achieve enlightenment or a ‘newfound expression’ that is exemplary of my true expression as life in equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the ‘rush’ or ‘energy high’ from using drugs is exemplary of my true expression in equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must have a ‘rush’ in order to experience something ‘different’ and something ‘outside of my normal realm’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought “I hate my life- I just want to die”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought “Fuck everyone and everything”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘fuck it all. I’m done’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of getting caught using drugs by the police or by the people in my life such as neighbors, coworkers, girlfriends, and family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my own sexual tendencies and desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my desires and sexual tendencies will get me into “hot water” so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of sexuality in all its forms and formations in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that my sexuality is not in accordance with who I am as my true expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life sucks dick’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is too hard’.