Day 82

So today I had a particular energetic reaction to a particular person in my environment specifically at my work so in my work context/environment. The reaction was sort of an offshoot of a reaction I had to the same person yesterday near the end of the day. So the nature of the reaction today was sort of similar to yesterday. The context of the nature of the reaction yesterday was as follows: We were nearing the end of the day a bunch of us coworkers including the boss just chatting because it was the end of the day and there was no more cars to do at that point. Somebody made a comment about what the boss was wearing as to 'where did you get that'. He replied "I don't know. I have a wife. I don't buy my own clothes". And then another person proceeded to envelop or try to produce some kind of an aspect of equality saying that he also doesn't buy his own clothes and never has. I replied 'so you're mom buys them all' - as I'm sure that considering his age he couldn't have had a girlfriend to buy him all of those clothes for his teenage years. And then another person reacted and said 'you're 20 years old Chris' - within the tonality of 'wow you should understand what he's saying - and you clearly don't get it - since you just asked him if his mom buys them all - like you're plenty old to get what he's saying - and you should too understand the aspect of letting a woman or your woman buy your clothes for you'. So within the question that I asked I was actually just asking a legitimate question 'well if you have never bought any of your clothes then who bought them?'. And he replied that his mom probably bought him some clothes when he was 13. So I guess its conceivable that through 13-21 he's had girlfriends however many there were buy his own clothes for him. And actually its really not and thats why I asked the question to point out his dishonesty. And I guess the reaction I had towards the other who responded to my inquiries as if 'I'm such an immature adult to not get this aspect of women buying clothes for me'. The nature of the reaction was 'anger' because I felt like he was belittling me and voicing out a preconceived notion or idea about who I am that he has conjured up in his head over time - and within the context of that preconceived notion - regarding me as something less than who I am - an idea - that 'this is an immature adult'. And essentially defending this guy's dishonesty because he's conjured up a preconceived notion about him that is 'he's cool. worthy. must worship him' kind of thing.

So today the same guy produced another reaction in me of 'anger' whenever he said something to me about something to do with doing something at work in a way that 'he knows better than me' kind of thing.

So these reactions were followed by deep 'disdain' for this person. With thoughts like 'hes an asshole' 'fuck him' and all kinds of that stuff.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at people in my environment for their disdain and disrespect for others in their environment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to produce disdain within myself where I would go so far as to 'want' or 'desire' for a particular person to 'fail at life' or 'life collapses' or 'goes through hell'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for others to fall.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for others to go through hell and back.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to produce anger towards someone or something for something they have conjured up in their minds about me that is not true nor an honor of who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shitty whenever somebody tries to belittle me in front of a group of people because they are trying to appeal to all of the past gossip and comments made in the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into reaction whenever I see that people are displaying aspects of past regressions that have not come into formation in real time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'that person is an idiot'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'fuck him. I hope he dies or goes through hell to learn from what he did'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'fuck everybody. fuck this world. everybody fucking sucks'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'I hate people because they are so dishonest'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'life is bullshit'.