Day 34 - Suppressions

There was a moment at the store when I was buying some red bulls and a lighter. I was checking out and two people walked in who I did not look at it but they asked where the bathroom was and the clerk laughed and the guy behind me laughed and I assumed they were laughing because they knew or assumed that they were going into the bathroom to have sex. I was going to say ‘what? Are they going in there to fuck?” but I suppressed the thought didn’t say it and then afterwards when I was leaving and said bye they laughed again as if they were laughing at my suppression.  I didn’t realize until afterwards that it was a suppression because I knew by the way I experienced myself after the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my natural sexual inkling and desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the way I see, hear, and talk about sexual nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my natural desire for females.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my natural desire to fuck females.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my natural desire to want females with me and around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my natural desire to seek out females.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my natural desire to have sex with females.

Day 33 - Fear of Making Money Within the System

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being without a job and no more source of income.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of not having a source of income in any way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of ebing out on the streets with no money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of not being able to amke money within the system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of not having any ideas or means for making money within the system.
I commit myself to show myself the numerous ways to make money within the system.
I commit myself to show that I can make money within the system wherever I go.

Day 31 - Redefining Misery

I feel absolutely miserable and I don’t know what to do about it. Its totally fucked. Ive experienced this same thing over and over again and its usually happened after I’ve done or said something online that may not have been appropriate or for example tonight I was chatting with a girlfriend I met online and I was telling her that she shouldn’t just quit her job. And then I was talking to a girl on OkCupid and that really sent me into a whirlwind I think. It just makes me want to crawl in a dark hole and not come out and not ever express myself online at all because then it just sends me into this whirlwind of emotional experiences that I would describe as complete hell, misery, and inner tyranny. 

Defining Misery: Complete hell and darkness inside of myself. 

Redefing Misery:

To experience the drama of not doing what is best for all so that I may align myself to what is best for all. Words to live instead: Peaceful, serene, calm, supportive, useful, practical. 

Day 30 Defining, Redefining, and Living Words

Defining, Redefining, and Living Words

A word that has been on my mind lately is the word FuckBoy. So this word is very prevalent in American culture these days and it has a lot of connotations that denote a disrespect for somebody. When the word fuckboy comes up in my mind I think it’s a guy that likes to fuck. I haven’t put very much emphasis on the cultural trend of how people have been defining this word rather I have sort of in my mind organized the existence of this word and also have examined what the practical implications of the judgment of this word as the living representation of another human being. Such as I realize that in the mind what we judge we sort of become in a way. So all the people degrading this word and judging this word and judging people as representations of this word in the most degrading connotation will actually become this word in their living manifestations as the same degrading connotation they have placed upon it and used it to judge another in their world/reality. So for me a ‘fuckboy’ really denotes nothing of any real significance other than somebody who wants/likes to fuck. Whether or not they decide to stay with the person they have sex with is really where the degrading connotation has come from I think. As in it’s a guy who just wants to have sex and then leave and never wants to hold a relationship down. So I guess you would say that I have already sorted gone through the process of defining and redefining this word within my mind but not in writing. Wherein I saw the simple definition of this word as I was curious about its implications and its existence being highly prevalent within young people’s culture today and especially rap/hip hop culture. So initially I did have some reactions to it because I felt it to be degrading. Then I looked at the word within the context of how I look at words, how I see words, and how I define words within the context of my existence and how I view reality and saw nothing wrong with ‘a fuckboy’. Because when I looked at the word ‘fuckboy’ all I see is a man or maybe a young man that likes to fuck. And whats wrong with that? I think where we get in trouble with words is the judgment of words and/or the judgment of people that we have placed a specific word or connotation of a word to represent that person within our minds because essentially we become the living embodiment of what we judge and/or what we judge other people as. 

Defining Fuckboy within myself: A guy that has no respect for women and vice versa. A man that can't keep down a relationship. A man that is 'only good for a fuck' in a woman's eyes.

Redefining 'Fuckboy' within myself: A man that has a cock and has sexual needs just like everybody else. 

Day 29

A lot of times I have this experience where my mind gets drudgy and I suddenly go into inner darkness where previously I was experiencing myself serene and peaceful and things were bright. Then I go into inner darkness where everything is not so bright and beautiful. So this is all polarity experiences of the mind and not real. A lot of times this darkness feels like a weight upon me – like a weight in my mind – not in my physical body – but within my mind – its heavy – that’s why I used the word ‘drudgy’ because it becomes heavy like a sludge. Before it was more calm, uplifting, serene, and peaceful – like how things are supposed to be. So something happens within my consciousness – its like I go from being peaceful serene to darkness, heaviness, and within that a particular set of misery. And within that experience I find myself ‘having to do things that support’. So for instance I might be writing to support myself. Or reading. Whenever I am calm and stable usually sitting outside smoking is what I will be doing. But within that and doing that while within the heaviness/darkness it just stays the same and nothing changes.

I don’t know what to do. My experience is shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought “this world sucks and will never change”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this world is bullshit’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this world is just pain and suffering’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this world is ego and no life awareness’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this world is just completely programmed so that I will never realize my potential and live the life that I want and deserve to live because everything is programmed to make sure that I never reach my full potential and live the life that I could and should be living’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this world is just full of bullshit’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this world is just full of shit’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I hate life’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I hate reality’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘my life is so dim and shitty’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is so dim and shitty’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is clumsy’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life sucks ass’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is evil’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I am just evil’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is too hard’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is unjust’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is all about money and nobody cares’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is pure hell and tyranny’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is just evil’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘Life just sucks’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life fucking sucks’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life exists as no awareness and no self honesty’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life exists as too much paranoia’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life exists as extensive abuse’. 

Day 28

Tonight there was a moment whenever I was sitting next to a girl and I was about to say ‘so whats your name?” and then start a conversation with her but I chickened out. I looked over and one of my coworkers gave me this sly look like ‘oh yeah go for it’ and then I sort of blushed and shook my head. Then I didn’t say anything to her. Afterwards I was like feeling like I had just tortured myself for not saying what was on my mind in that second. And I kept going over it in my mind. I felt like I had just absolutely tortured myself by not saying anything to her. Fucking fucked up. I felt so ashamed afterwards. I felt like I had just tortured myself and it was like pure tyranny. Why didn’t I say anything? Because when I looked at her body I didn’t get a point where I was like ‘she’s really attractive’. Not that she wasn’t attractive in some ways but she just wasn’t ‘picture perfect’ or anything like that. But it was a small moment and clearly I chose what was not best as evidenced by my experience afterwards

Day 27

What am I going to do with my life. It seems that money is the only thing that limits me and I don’t even trust that if I had a lot of money to not limit me that I would even enjoy living in this reality knowing that it is all fantasy. What should I do?

Problems:

1.       My family and the acceptance of their abuse has limited me extensively.

2.       Money and lack thereof has kept me from reaching out into new dimensions of myself.

3.       Women seem uninterested in me.

I feel terrible. I’m so tired of this reality and all the bullshit in it. I hate the money system. I hate that the world is so fucked. I hate that we are in this bullshit and nobody fucken knows how it works and how people react to how it works because they are the problem and they don’t want to see that. I hate that there are people that are not actually the sex their body is representing which poses a huge issue when it comes to healthy men and women’s relationships. I hate that there is such a design. I hate that that design I have personally been extensively affected by. 

Day 26

Today I went to the beach. I noticed that within myself I have a lot of fear of talking to women, approaching women, etc. because I fear that they will reject me in some way whether it be my personality, my body, my past, or even the fact that they could sense my fear in their presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of approaching attractive women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of starting a conversation with an attractive woman.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of getting along with an attractive woman.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that a woman with tattoos is no good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of having sex with women I meet or see in my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of starting a relationship/agreement with someone I see or meet in my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of going out of my way to meet a woman in my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that every woman I meet is not good enough for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being naked in front of women or a woman.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of women rejecting me because of my penis size or because it is not circumsized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of women rejecting me because I don’t have a big penis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that women will ridicule my penis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that women will not enjoy my penis or that my penis will not satisfy them fully.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that women will reject me because of my fat on my stomach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that women are or will be cruel to me with regards to my personality, my penis, my fat, and my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that women will laugh at my penis if they were to see it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful towards women because of all of these fears. 

Day 25

Tonight I am super bored. Don’t know what to do with myself. Sometimes I feel like the world has no chance because of the laws that exist to protect the elite and their profits. And then I remember what Bernard said about how after 2014 the chances become much smaller and tonight I realized that that was because that is the completion of the 7 years which the body goes through the process of entirely renewing itself based on what happened during those 7 years all the cells get replaced – the 7 years after the portal opened. Tonight what I realized was that was why he said after 2014 because that’s 7 years after the opening of the portal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of what would happen to me if I embarked on a journey to do what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of doing what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that my family will not accept me or will reject me outright if I choose to do what is best for all breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I will be ostracized and thrown out of 

Day 25 - Best For All Life In Breath Awareness

So today I had the experience where everything was moving very slowly in a way. It was like not a physical slowness where time slows down. But more of a mind possession where everything seemed 'weird' as I described it to myself several times throughout the night. It was kind of like the song "people are strange' by The Doors. Where every movement one makes is in vain and not what is best for all life. As I began to slow myself down through breath it became more 'real'. There was more awareness - feeling the car, the trees, the darkness the filled the car as a result of it being dark outside. All of those things were the awareness coming through. Void of any of the 'weirdness'. The awareness was the darkness that enfolded my presence in the car.

Day 24

Today I am going to apply to the New Smyrna Chevy dealership for a salesman job. I’m going to sell myself as someone who is going to sell more cars than they ever dreamed. Then I’m going to go to Ford Mullinax and apply for a sales job as well selling myself as someone who is going to sell more cars than they ever dreamed.

Right now I’m experiencing a lot of fear and dishonesty with regards to going and applying for these two jobs. I know I can do the jobs. But the fear that I’m not good enough and all that stuff is arising within me. I’m experiencing a lot of anxiety with regards to just going there and applying for a sales job. Within this a lot of projections came up of being denied and all sorts of emotional things. But I just don’t know until I give it a shot. Then In my mind I’m coming up with all the reasons I can’t work there and what not so that I will give up and not even try. Then that is coupled with fear to provide the necessary energy so that I will not try and just give up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I’m not good enough to sell cars and that the dealerships will not hire me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I don’t have the skills and the personality to be a car salesman.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I will never escape my fate as a poor person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I will never be able to provide myself with an income that is justifiably efficient and sufficient.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I will not be able to do the sales jobs at the car dealerships.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

I’m so petrified to go there and apply for the sales job its ridiculous. Mostly because I’m embarrassed of what I’m wearing.

After changing my clothes I wasn’t so fearful so I went ahead and applied for sales jobs at Ford Mullinax and the Chevy dealership. I went to sleep at the Quick Lane service place and after I got through with all that that entailed I was much more relaxed and not so fearful filled with darkness and incessant thoughts. 

Day 23

Today I went to church with my brothers family and my mom. I felt this disconnect whenever we there like we were sitting in the back away from the congregation and it just didn’t feel right to me like we were separated from the congregation for an unnecessary reason. We did have their little two year old son with us and that was the spot designated for mothers with infants so I guess there was some legitimacy to it but it still didn’t feel right. I wanted to be up closer with all the others. 

Day 22

Today was crazy. I got really pissed off at work and sort of blew a gasket and said how I really feel.  So I sort of blew up on my one of my managers. So yeah it was kind of crazy but anger just overcame me and I had to say something because of all the hypocrisy I was witnessing. It was quite an emotional outburst but it was forceful and I did get my way. Usually I just would have sucked up all that anger and let it ride but I didn’t this time I said what was on my mind. It felt good to a point. But afterwards I was kind of embarrassed just a little bit just because I got so angry.