Day 85

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘my life is doomed and I am eternally fucked’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the feeling of self-righteousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of doing what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of going to work. 

Day 84

So today I had the same 'jump' experience whenever my roommate came into my presence again. I didn't have it whenever he first came into the house when I was eating but then whenever I was outside sitting on the couch he came outside and this 'jump' like 'jumpy with fear' thing happened again. Whenever I was talking to him there was like this feeling in my solarplexus not like a constriction like where I couldn't breathe but like it was 'mustering' energy or 'festering'. And within this is sort of a 'constriction' within the breathing but not full on like I've experienced at other points. This experience was more like breaths would come and go like all of the sudden I would breath in deep and breathe out because its not coming natural to breathe in 4 counts and let out 4 counts. Its like my breath is 'sitting' in my chest/solarplexus and coming out every now and then.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my roommate in anger whenever he is giving me a lecture about something.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anger when and as I see that my roommate is showing me that there is a problem with the living quarters.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my roommates' subversive tactics for showing me there is a problem with the living quarters.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my roommates reaction to something that's been done or hasn't been done in the living quarters.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be 'startled' or 'jumpy' whenever I sense that my roommmate has a problem with something to do with me or what I have or haven't done in the living quarters. 

Day 83

This morning I woke up and I went outside to smoke a cigarette. The first thought I had come up was an imagination/projection of being at work. Then I thought about my new rv that I’m renting and the people that I’m renting from and the memories from last night having dinner with them in the main house next to the rv.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly project myself into the future with my work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly access memories of being at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I am a no good piece of shit’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘my life is useless’. 

Day 82

So today I had a particular energetic reaction to a particular person in my environment specifically at my work so in my work context/environment. The reaction was sort of an offshoot of a reaction I had to the same person yesterday near the end of the day. So the nature of the reaction today was sort of similar to yesterday. The context of the nature of the reaction yesterday was as follows: We were nearing the end of the day a bunch of us coworkers including the boss just chatting because it was the end of the day and there was no more cars to do at that point. Somebody made a comment about what the boss was wearing as to 'where did you get that'. He replied "I don't know. I have a wife. I don't buy my own clothes". And then another person proceeded to envelop or try to produce some kind of an aspect of equality saying that he also doesn't buy his own clothes and never has. I replied 'so you're mom buys them all' - as I'm sure that considering his age he couldn't have had a girlfriend to buy him all of those clothes for his teenage years. And then another person reacted and said 'you're 20 years old Chris' - within the tonality of 'wow you should understand what he's saying - and you clearly don't get it - since you just asked him if his mom buys them all - like you're plenty old to get what he's saying - and you should too understand the aspect of letting a woman or your woman buy your clothes for you'. So within the question that I asked I was actually just asking a legitimate question 'well if you have never bought any of your clothes then who bought them?'. And he replied that his mom probably bought him some clothes when he was 13. So I guess its conceivable that through 13-21 he's had girlfriends however many there were buy his own clothes for him. And actually its really not and thats why I asked the question to point out his dishonesty. And I guess the reaction I had towards the other who responded to my inquiries as if 'I'm such an immature adult to not get this aspect of women buying clothes for me'. The nature of the reaction was 'anger' because I felt like he was belittling me and voicing out a preconceived notion or idea about who I am that he has conjured up in his head over time - and within the context of that preconceived notion - regarding me as something less than who I am - an idea - that 'this is an immature adult'. And essentially defending this guy's dishonesty because he's conjured up a preconceived notion about him that is 'he's cool. worthy. must worship him' kind of thing.

So today the same guy produced another reaction in me of 'anger' whenever he said something to me about something to do with doing something at work in a way that 'he knows better than me' kind of thing.

So these reactions were followed by deep 'disdain' for this person. With thoughts like 'hes an asshole' 'fuck him' and all kinds of that stuff.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at people in my environment for their disdain and disrespect for others in their environment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to produce disdain within myself where I would go so far as to 'want' or 'desire' for a particular person to 'fail at life' or 'life collapses' or 'goes through hell'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for others to fall.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for others to go through hell and back.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to produce anger towards someone or something for something they have conjured up in their minds about me that is not true nor an honor of who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shitty whenever somebody tries to belittle me in front of a group of people because they are trying to appeal to all of the past gossip and comments made in the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into reaction whenever I see that people are displaying aspects of past regressions that have not come into formation in real time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'that person is an idiot'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'fuck him. I hope he dies or goes through hell to learn from what he did'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'fuck everybody. fuck this world. everybody fucking sucks'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'I hate people because they are so dishonest'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'life is bullshit'.

Day 81

Last night me and C had sex. Then afterwards I passed out and didn’t do any of my writing for the day. It makes me think that maybe she isn’t the right person for me whenever I miss my writing because we’re together. I’m not always so sure about the relationship. I actually doubt the relationship a lot of the time

Day 80

In my mind I feel completely stifled and rejected by society.
Today has been rough. Especially this evening. Me and my girlfriend went to dinner and right now my roommate is not letting her come over at all so I haven't had sex with her in like almost two weeks so its getting ridiculous and I'm really sexually frustrated right now so I'm like losing my shit because at the same time I'm not getting sex to stabilize my mind and I'm also dealing with the acceptance and allowance of feelings which are making things in my mind worse especially the sexual frustration. Then I have worries about the future. I feel completely stifled in my mind and body this evening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing my girlfriend because we are not having sex enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of missing my chance in life to become the best version of me possible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing on life and not having the chance and opportunity to experience myself in a way that is good.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of not having the things that I desire or need in this life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being subject to the whims and desires of the system instead of what is best for all of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of going to the depths of hell in order to realize that I must change and stop myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of stopping the mind and living self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being the change I want to see in the world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of living change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am completely rejected and stifled by society.

Day 79

Tonight I’m feeling really shitty. When I was at Flagler Tavern I was in bathroom and a song came on that usually gives me these feelings of energy and this time it did it. I tried to avoid it but it just happened automatically like I couldn’t do anything to stop it. The association was built in layers with various thoughts and activation of these feelings to create the automatic response to the song with these feelings again. Again all feelings that arise due to music is nostalgia based. So its like ‘oh I relate to that song’ and ‘oh that song strikes a chord within me’ and ‘the song is meaningful’. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the activation of feelings while listening to music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the concept of nostalgia to build up associations of energy towards certain songs and tonalities within music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the idea of nostalgic songs activating certain feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse the feelings associated with certain tonalities and meanings of songs to give me a thrill rush. 

Day 78

Today whenever I went to Port Orange to the electrical union meeting it was like there was this 'possession' in my head like I could feel the energy 'hold' on the left part of my brain/head. This energy almost completely went away whenever I picked up my mother from the airport and just began talking/expressing myself with her/to her. We talked about my relationship with C and all the things that have happened and she recommended that I break up with her. I pretty much agreed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that if I break up with C that she will do something crazy and tell a lie to the cops and try to ruin my life. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that if I try to tell C that I don't want to be in the relationship anymore that she will not concede and therefore do everything possible to keep me in the relationship including threats and blackmail. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the use of fear to generate thoughts and backchats as to why I should stay in my relationship with a person that has mental disorders. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the use of fear to keep me complacent and limited within my expression towards myself, others, and in particular my intimate relationships with women.

Day 77

This morning I woke up and I had this like swollenness to my face and eyes and the thought that came to mind was “I feel like I just got hit by a mac truck”. This thought goes back to whenever my mom and/or my dad would say that to describe a state or else a physical look somebody might have after they look like they’ve ‘been through hell’.  Its such a heaviness in the face and head area whenever this happens. And usually there are bags under my eyes and such to go along with it.

Today was super stressful. Just in general I felt like I was in my mind most of the day until I got back to edgewater and met up with my girlfriend and spent some time with her going around looking at places to live. That was relaxing and a relief just to be in her presence although I do feel like there are some abusive tendencies within her within her concept /ideas/beliefs about men and relationships in general. I do see, realise, and understand that as a mind consciousness system she and other women will superimpose their ideas, concepts, beliefs, and or associative memories with past relationships and their programming of how a relationship unfolds as learned through parents, media, friends, and past relationship partners. 

I played a video game earlier and the experience I had after I played was like almost like I had been watching porn. There was nothing fulfilling or beneficial about it to where after I stopped playing I could say ‘oh that was fun. I’m glad I played that game’. It was more like a ‘devouring’ of self into ‘images’ instead of something beneficial and supportive towards getting back down to reality or expanding or expressing myself in a way that made me feel  more stable, calm, or expressive. 

Day 76

I lost a lot of my writings for the past week or so because I forgot to save the word document on my computer. Today I went to breakfast with C and that was fun. Then I wanted to go do something today with someone but that didn’t end up happening as I sort of went through a mini tantrum while speaking with my mother on the phone where all of the sudden my breath started becoming short while talking to her to the point where I started to become agitated just speaking to her. Not sure if me speaking to her and the nature of the conversation was what was getting me agitated or if it was something else in some other relationship that was taking place or occurring that was causing that experience. The nature of the conversation was sort of limited in the sense that she first off was wondering if I had gotten a text message about a house she found on Zillow for rent and as I was looking at it and telling her I thought it looked cool she kept telling me about how I should contact her. For some reason through and towards the end of the conversation I was just agitated and experiencing myself as stifled in my breath and experiencing myself as less than I know I am. I’m not sure if that was due to the nature of the conversation and her telling me how to contact her as if I was unable to do such a thing or figure out such a thing or if it was like I said, something going awry in another relationship of mine.

I did all that writing earlier and instead of going outside for a cigarette I decided to fall back asleep so I’ve pretty much been sleeping most of the day including earlier today. Its kind of disheartening sometimes like you know that feeling whenever you’ve been sleeping too much in the morning or when you sleep during the day and you feel like you’ve been missing out on something. That’s the kind of disheartening feeling I get sometimes whenever I do this. But overall other than that my day has been pretty decent. After I did all that writing I felt much more calm and stable within myself like I had gotten all that stuff out and my experience was much more fluid. 

Day 75

Today was pretty cool for the most part. I did sort of have a reaction to something towards someone and my mind was sort of going haywire of ‘bad’ or ‘negative’ shit towards that person for about an hour or so. Then I took a break and it started to wear off or the thoughts sort of subsided a little bit. Then after that I was doing fairly well just going through my motions in breath. Focusing on breathing and trying not to go into mind states of emotion. 

Day 74

This evening me and my roommate watched a movie and during the movie my girlfriend wanted me to call her – saying passively ‘watch your movie. I guess I’m going to bed’ – sort of trying to make me feel guilty for watching the movie and not pausing it to call her or stop watching the movie to call her. I don’t really like that kind of emotional manipulation. I mean I understand that she is upset that she can’t see me right now but to use emotional manipulation like that is not cool. 

Day 73

Today I woke up at 7:30. Whenever my alarm went off at 6:30 I just went back to sleep whenever I probably should have pushed through that desire to sleep more and just got up at 6:30. Sometimes waking up early or earlier than I need to takes no effort and is a natural thing but most of the time its accompanied by the desire to sleep more which is hard to get through in order to actually wake up. Whenever that happens its like if I want to actually get up then I have to basically say to myself in that moment ‘screw that’ towards the desire to sleep more. Which is tough because my body has been programmed to wake up at a certain time the past week or so so it wants to sleep during the time that I’m trying to wake up and then just wake up at the same time its been waking up. So in order to reprogram that I may go through some resistances to actually getting up at that earlier time. 

Day 72

Today I woke up at 7:30. Whenever my alarm went off at 6:30 I just went back to sleep whenever I probably should have pushed through that desire to sleep more and just got up at 6:30. Sometimes waking up early or earlier than I need to takes no effort and is a natural thing but most of the time its accompanied by the desire to sleep more which is hard to get through in order to actually wake up. Whenever that happens its like if I want to actually get up then I have to basically say to myself in that moment ‘screw that’ towards the desire to sleep more. Which is tough because my body has been programmed to wake up at a certain time the past week or so so it wants to sleep during the time that I’m trying to wake up and then just wake up at the same time its been waking up. So in order to reprogram that I may go through some resistances to actually getting up at that earlier time. 

Day 71 Waking Up in Gauntlet Part 2

This morning I woke up and I had that same feeling of ‘waking up in a gauntlet’. The ‘gauntlet’ representing the mind and all its troubles. This experience is also very similar to waking up being hungover. Its like waking up in the ‘gauntlet of the mind’. Usually waking up in this experience coincides with waking up later than is practical for example this morning my alarm went off at 6:30 and I could have gotten up and I saw within myself that I was actually ready to get up then and there but I brushed it off to the side within the desire of wanting more sleep. Coincidentally whenever I woke up the 2nd time this time actually seeing that I needed to get up and that if I slept more I would be in a rush to get to work and not have any time to myself - I experienced the 'hungover' 'drunkenness' 'waking up in a gauntlet of the mind'. 

Day 70

I’m really having a tough time in my life at this point. Don’t know what to do exactly. I’m really tired of the whole system. I need to write more than I have been but its like I’m lazy when it comes to writing. Getting really tired of the bullshit between me, my girlfriend, and my roommate. Tired of living here. 

Day 69 - Waking Up in a Gauntlet

Today I wake up around 7 later than I want to be getting up and I felt like this ‘waking up in a gauntlet’ of a mind type feeling. Usually whenever I wake up later its like the drain on my whole mind and body where you can also see it in my face where you would be like ‘you look like you’ve been through hell’ sort of look on my face. Whenever I wake up earlier there is less of this feeling in my head/mind where I feel bogged down of sorts and more of a clarity and clearsightedness with no bogged down-ness and no heaviness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'I need to wake up at 6 a.m. every day to avoid 'being in a gauntlet' whenever I wake up'. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'sleeping more makes me more mind possessed and therefore less effective and functional throughout the next day'. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of oversleeping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that if I oversleep or when I oversleep that I will be less effective and functional throughout the next day. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the mind control and mind possession of oversleeping or sleeping throughout the day. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that I require 7-8 hours of sleep in order to be functional and effective throughout the next day. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the thought and belief that I require more sleep or alot of sleep in order to be 'well rested' and therefore 'more functional and effective' throughout the next day. 

Day 68

Today after work I went to the Papa Johns to apply for a job there. I got this eerie feeling regarding one of the women who works there as a delivery driver. For some reason I was compelled to look in her direction whenever she came into my presence. It was if I was sensing something about her just being in her presence and I knew that she represents something in my environment that maybe I have denied or ignored. My initial impression or reaction towards this woman was that of her being ‘nasty’, ‘spiteful’, ‘psychopathic’, ‘depressed’, and ‘sociopathic’. There was this sort of conjecture that my presence was somehow a threat to her presence there and ‘she knew it’. ‘She would go to great ends to see that I disappear there’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge women based on ideas of human nature and human spitefulness instead of seeing that they too exist within the system of the mind which all human beings exist within and display characteristics similar to each other in varying degrees.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the judgment of the woman at Papa John’s to the point where I feel that she ‘poses a threat’ to my happiness and well being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of female spitefulness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of building a life with a female that will satisfy my desire for a healthy relationship to the physical body and therefore to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of doing what is best for all within the context of physical relationships of sex and agreements. 

Day 67

Today was pretty interesting. I had a different experience at work than usual where the only difference was that I got up earlier and did some writing. I had less fear than I usually experience towards the people in my environment which was nice. It rained a lot today. I feel like since I moved here that my ‘idle’ time is more like ‘damn what the heck do I do?’ type of thing. Maybe its also because I haven’t been working a second job which I have gotten used to work taking up all of my time except for my days off and the nights that I didn’t work my second job. 

Day 66

Today I’m experiencing some anxiety and stress surrounding my sexual expressions. I feel like I’m not being fulfilled completely with my partner and still have desires to look at porn and jack off to it. Trying to figure out what I should be doing with myself today. Maybe clean my car out. Clean the leather seats and condition them. But I feel like I need to have an orgasm to get anything going today. 

Day 65

Today I woke up and the first thought I had go through my head was something to do with ‘being gay’ or something like that. I don’t even remember the exact thought. Then the second thought was going to get a cigarette.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'I am gay'. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the idea of 'being gay' within my consciousness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the idea that 'i am gay' within and as my consciousness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the idea that 'being gay' or 'being bi' is 'cool'. 

Day 64

So today I am writing on my phone because I just moved into a new place and I don't know the key to the WiFi here.

I've had an interesting day but some parts of it were quite emotional. The primary word that comes up today within as far as describing the nature of the emotions I experienced is impatience. I felt impatient towards the process of moving today and the speed at which I got everything done that needed to get done.

It was like I wanted everything to be done much faster than it was and sort of sitting back and realizing that not everybody or even maybe not even reality moves as fast as I do. So it was kind of like a realization that not everything moves as fast as I want it to especially when some of the things I do are based around commitments of help from others, especially others that do not know or realize the speed, efficiency, and thoroughness of which I do things.

So it was also a frustration I was experiencing within and as the impatience because I wanted to see things move much faster than they were. Impatience mainly describes the quality of the experience and frustration was more the nature of the experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience and tumult of Impatience and frustration.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of Impatience and frustration to lead me to give into the experience and experience it as a part of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the experience of frustration.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of fear to arise whenever I am faced with a task that needs to be completed by a certain deadline, and thus allow negative emotions to overcome and overwhelm me   whenever I am not reaching the goal of completing the task as quickly as I would like.