Day 95

Today I went to work at my electrician job and my pizza delivery job. The most profound things that stand out to me were a couple of things that occurred whenever I was at the pizzas delivery job. I was doing my deliveries and I was singing a sort of song that I had just made up. While singing the song I got these feelings that I have been writing about and have been experiencing for a long time since I was 10 years old as earlier as I can remember experiencing these feelings. Afterwards I felt absolutely terrible, miserable, devastated, the whole lot of emotions that I go through whenever I experience these feelings – always afterwards. So within that experience I was completely and utterly miserable. So I decided to just fold boxes to keep myself focused on something and occupied. Afterwards I went on a delivery and still in the midst of all those emotions I didn’t know exactly how to handle it so I started saying self forgiveness out loud. “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate life”. “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as miserable”. “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will never get through misery and suffering”. “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought “I am miserable and suffering”. “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of misery and suffering to overpower who I am as life”. Some of those statements I just added in but the first few I said out loud while in the car on a delivery. As I was arriving back to the store I noticed an immediate change in myself where I could continue on without being in such a perpetual state of being miserable and therefore suffering inside of myself. Later on I did more forgiveness. “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about life”. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing myself into a version of me that cares about life and respects life – a version of me that is best for all”.

I commit myself to be careful about my exposure to certain music and even singing music in familiar tones that would invoke or provoke these feelings within me that so clearly send me into undesirable emotional states.

I commit myself to practice self forgiveness out loud to see how I can benefit and change as a result.

I commit myself to be aware of the words and the vocabulary that defines and exhibits certain emotional imbalances so that I can see the essence or the words that I am dealing with regarding these experiences of emotional imbalances.

I commit myself to care about life in all forms equally.

I commit myself to care about myself, my life, my well being, and my utmost untapped potential.