Today has been a big pain in my ass. I went surfing which
was fun but my chest hurts because my sternum protrudes and hits the board so
it bruises. So that part wasn’t fun. Then I went to dunkin donuts with my “girlfriend”.
And I wanted to have sex with her but she didn’t because I’m having an outbreak
of herpes on my penis. Then I got home and tried to sleep some which didn’t
work out too well. And whenever I couldn’t sleep anymore I was in this moment
of being ‘stuck’ like I didn’t know what to do next. So I got a shower, shaved
my head, and started studying. The studying is quite an arduous task because I’m
trying to get it done all in one swoop instead of committing myself to study a
little bit each day. And also as far what I should write down and what not to
write down in order to move the studying along at a reasonable pace is another
challenge posed within my studying. I also listened to a portion of a sermon of
my brother’s pastor talking about the broader topic of “difficult people” and
the sub-topic of “manipulative people”. This reminded me of my girlfriend.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear
of being manipulated by people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear
that if I am being manipulated then I will accept and choose a lesser version
of myself because I will conform to their manipulation instead of what is best
for all life as who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear
of manipulation and the outflows/consequences of its acceptance and allowance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear
that manipulation will hurt me in the short term and the long term.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear
that if I am accepting and allowing myself to be manipulated then I will be
condemned to a lesser version of myself.
I commit myself to study each day for 1 hour for that will
allow me to better retain the information within my course.
I commit myself to care about myself and my life.
I commit myself to care about who I am, what I am, where I
am, and how I am.
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