DAY 90

So today I had this experience where I was at home in my rv doing my studying and I was having trouble concentrating on the lesson material. I had planned to go to a couple places or call them to follow up on some job applications. Because I was having trouble concentrating I decided to go to the store to get a 5 Hour Energy thinking it was going to help me concentrate better. My experience on the way to the store was calm, cool, collected. I could feel my body almost in a way that I've never felt before and/or am not used to. I don't know if that's because of all the good sex I got the night before or if it was just indication that I was doing the right thing at the moment by getting out of the house and going to the store (maybe not necessarily for the reason that got me to get out and go the store however). So I went to the store sort of in a mental experience where I was semi-frustrated that I couldn't concentrate like I wanted to. But my physical body was telling me something different by way of how I was experiencing my body getting out of the house and going somewhere. So it was almost like in my mind I was experiencing a certain thing and expecting it to continue as if my mind experience embodied or accompanied my entire physical experience all the time - but like I said the physical was revealing something different than what I expected to experience - my body was feeling nourished by way of getting in the car and going somewhere. So in my mind it was almost like 'I can't let go of me!' as in my physical experience was changing but yet in my mind I wanted to 'hold on' to my mental experience of being frustrated and semi-pissed off because I wasn't moving through my lesson material like I wanted to or 'should be'. So in my mind I was 'going to the store to get a 5 hour energy' and my body was telling me 'I'm glad you just got in the car and went somewhere'. So interestingly enough my body was feeling nourished - but in my mind the actual mental experience of being pissed off and frustrated was actually sort of fading or diminishing like my total physical experience was overpowering my mind experience or pushing it to the backburner. But in my mind I was like 'oh no! must not let go of this frustration and anger and being pissed off!'. So I went to the store kind of semi holding onto my mind experience because after all 'thats what got me out of the house' was 'i need a five hour energy' so I was on the mission to fulfill this 'want' or so called 'need'. So I got the 5 hour energy and drank it afterwards like I usually do. And right after that was when the mind experience sort of 'took over' and I could feel the sort of 'rush' that was going through me like my neck and chest all of the sudden got tighter. And whenever I left I decided to go to another store to get more 5 Hour Energy for cheaper because I spent more than I wanted on the ones I just got. And whenever I saw the store it was like a quantum physical leap in my experience - all of the sudden I was completely 'pissed off' and my face was in complete 'mean mug' mode and so now my body encompassed this mind experience all in one leap whenever I saw the store I was going to. Almost as if the store itself and/or potentially my quantum physical relationship to that store activated this entire personality and it was in full head on mode from there on until I went home. I was in mean mug mode the entire time I was driving to the other places looking for the locations that I was seeking but didn't have my phone/gps to get there. The only point where it stopped for a moment was when I went into Papa John's to follow up on one of my job applications. So it was like that all the way until I finally got home and when I got home I took some breaths and chilled out and I was fine - the entire experience/bubble was like bursted all in one fell sweep of arriving home.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into mean mug mode and completely pissed off because I see a corner store/convenience store I've been to before. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my 'mean mug' and 'completely pissed off' personality or 'state' was in fact a real experience instead of seeing it as a mind experience. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of how people perceive me whenever I am 'pissed off' or 'looking for attention'. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek attention from others from states of being 'pissed off' so that within that I am like 'look at me! I am pissed off right now!'. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek attention from physical deliberations that are declarations of being 'pissed off'. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek attention from others and especially females for my states of 'being pissed off' and 'hating everything'. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anything emotional used to gain attention is anything resembling real self-expression. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a moment overcome with anger and hold onto that anger for several minutes even an entire half hour. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto anger experiences whenever I see that doing so is only causing me headaches in the future. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'I hate the world and everyone in it'. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'this world sucks ass'. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'i hate everything'.