Day 115

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "this world is doomed by self dishonesty".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "this world is doomed by the self dishonesty of Men and women together".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "this world is totally doomed and fucked to hell for all eternity".

Day 114

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being out on the streets with no money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of going through hell before I can become self honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing people in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of going to prison.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being without certain people in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate life for what it has done to me in all facets of my self image and self creation".

Day 113

Defining, Redefining, and Living Words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the process and experiment and practice of defining,redefining, and living words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of defining a word within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of redefining a word within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of living a word as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of living words.

Day 112

I feel terrible today. Don't really know why. I wish I could I just fucking get my shit together and be happy.

Day 110

I feel terrible. Wish my life was the way I want it. Just stable, clear, concise, and not always living in such darkness.

Day 109

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of breaking up with my girlfriend.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that if I break up with my girlfriend then I will not have anybody and therefore I will have lost something and therefore feel less than I did whenever I had her.

What is best for all within my relationship with Crystal? I think that it may be best that we don't see each other anymore given my well being throughout the relationship?

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand what is best for all between me and my relationships.
I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and undestand what is best for all between me and Crystal. 

Day 108

Today has been kind of productive.

Life:
Define: The essence of being.

Redefine: Life is Awareness.

Living: I commit myself to live the word Life within the context of awareness and being aware.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of commitment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "youre one of the most vile people I've ever met".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate my life - I want to die".

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the fear of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the fear of being an example of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand what is best for all within my sexual relationships as in who to be with and who not. 

Day 107

I feel so awful. Its hard to believe I could feel this awful.

I care about myself.
I love myself.
I care about my life.
I care about who I am.
I care about where I am.
I care about how I am.
I care about where I am going.
I care about all life equally.
I care about life.
I care about equality and oneness.

I want to do what is best for all and live what is best for all as myself through and through so that I can bring about a change in the world that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of what is best for all as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of doing and saying what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of life as what is best for all. 

Day 106

Today has been kind of rough at times and kind of stable and smooth at times. Especially earlier in the day it was a whirlwind of emotions because I was eating at a restaurant outside and a song came on that I knew would give me that feeling experience as reaction to certain words/concepts/ and tonalities within music. Turns out it did and afterwards I felt so terrible. Then after that whole debacle I kind of recovered with the help of some coffee and Gatorade. I went home and took a nap in my hot RV and whenever I got up I felt much better. I felt well rested and things were brighter perceptually and I wasn’t in so much darkness. But later on in the night I had this experience after drinking some coca cola where I felt really helpless, empty, insecure, and pathetic. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a loser.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the parts of me that I don't like and don't understand.

Day 105

Today I have experienced a lot of emotional shit. Probably because I didn't do any writing this morning like I usually do. Writing really does help stabilize my mind and allows me to go through my day smoother, especially whenever I write in the mornings before work. I also can do my job more efficiently and effectively whenever I write in the mornings because I'm more stable. Whenever I don't write I'm a lot less stable and trying to make up for the loss of stability through breathing doesn't always work. In my mind its like a storm of emotions that leads to more emotions which leads to less stability and then completing tasks and getting to a point of being on point with my job and the tasks that it entails is much more difficult.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the mind and the storm of emotion that comes with it. 

Day 104

I'm so tired of this relationship bullshit. C is on my ass 9 degrees all the time ever since I slept with another woman. And she's bitching about me wanting to write and do my self-forgiveness instead of dropping everything and going to stay with her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of doing what is best for all in all of my relationships.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of leaving behind the past and starting anew.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of letting go of the past and starting again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of letting go of the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of letting go of past failures and mistakes in relationships and in life. 

Day 103

Back home. No power. No electricity. Feel like shit and feel like a fool for thinking that S would be a good agreement partner or a potential agreement partner. I mean we have amazing sex but shes going to see another guy tonight so I mean thats like not what I had in mind for an agreement but shes been doing that style of relationship with the father of her son for going on two years now. I feel stupid. Very stupid.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of catching HIV/AIDS.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of catching another incurable STD.

Right now I feel real shitty and kind of calm at the same time. The energy in my head is the darkness that I experience/exhibit. Then there is the physical which is the fruit, the lamb, the comfort, the almighty, the soothingness. I can clearly see/discern that the physical is what is here and the mind as the energy in the head is not. Completely indiscernable in reality. The energy in the head dissipates when the mind stops and the physical is left to rest without constantly being bombarded by the mind as energy. The mind is complete separation from the physical as what is here. The mind as energy is indiscernable in reality. All one can see are the visible outflows/situations/abuse of the physical as the mind tries to understand reality - when in fact the mind is not in reality in anyway whatsoever. It is just a reflection of reality. So the mind as the system is busy conjuring images so that the real physical is bombarded with the reflection and thus the body becomes completely possessed by the images/the mind. Thus leaving the being occupying the body incapacitated by the bombardment of images thus as well or 'as' completely possessed. This is the nature of the mind as energy as it relates to reality which is the physical. 

Day 102

Today was ok. Did a lot of physical work at my job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing my girlfriend over silly stuff.

I’m fucking pissed off. Its crazy how one little thing or in one moment or instant I can get so pissed off. And feel so shitty.

I feel like shit. Again.

Fear:

Define: the experience of energy or separation that inhibits one from doing what is best for all

Redefine: the necessary evil to see who is life and who is not.

Day 101

I’m experiencing a lot of instability inside myself right now to the point of almost experiencing a panic attack. Like something is severely wrong. So what do I do? What is the point that requires attention? All that happened was that went inside and went into the bedroom and suddenly I was in this like panic state – very fearful of going to work in the morning and all that might entail.

Maybe I need to set for myself a job objective for working for Giles:

My objective at Giles:

To work hard, to work efficiently and effectively, to get work done on time or in a timely manner, to create long-lasting relationships with my employer and/or coworkers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my coworkers and my journeymen. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that my coworkers look down upon me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I am not good enough to be an electrician. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I will give up and quit my job at Giles. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I won't have the resolve to stick it out with Giles and the apprenticeship program of the NJATC. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of reporting abuse where I see it is necessary to report.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the past and it recreating itself in the present and/or future. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of recreating myself in terms of the words anxious, anxiety, and panic. 

Anxious: 

Defining: the experience of instability and great fear within oneself where one is at constant dis-ease with one's self and with one's environment to the extent of feeling completely alone, isolated, and distant from those around you. 

Redefining: Moving within awareness of one's inner turmoil to better face the issues/problems at hand to recreate self into a better version 

Day 100

Tonight has been very soothing and calming. It rained most of the night. At some point my experience changed from being really pissed off having all sorts of nasty thoughts to being peaceful and serene and it seemed like maybe it was after a couple of good tips and during/while it rained. I could feel this like urge and drive for expression - to have fun with others. I delivered one pizza where there were some people around my age drinking, partying, and smoking stuff. One was a cute girl with long brown hair - definitely the type of girl I would want to know and become friends with. There was an element of feeling like I'm missing that connection with people and especially the female part of it.