Day 213 - Laws and Money

It seems as though the main problems that constitute the accumulative degeneration and debilitation of all human relationships are that which are centrally focused around money - and all of the fears, emotions, and behaviors that result as to the context of which this dynamic has been formed. Namely the primary problem is that the nature of the relationship we have created towards/around money has been that it has been deemed as more important than life itself and therefore the relationships that exist as life in reality. Since money has been deemed as more important than life and the integrity of the relationships of all - the conditions of which are formed as result of this starting point with money - are primarily dependent upon this intitial starting point - that means, implies, and can be seen that the certain conditions one has surrounding money will dictate the integrity of their relationships, the quality of their relationships, and the dynamics of which the relationships will continue and form over time. Thus the integrity of everyone's immediate individual relationships is primarily dependent upon money first - then whatever the two individuals agree upon between each other. Obviously within this the individuals can agree on a relationship to money together - but obviously that relationship has no context or ability to form without some form of support as money to be existent in one of the individuals lives in the first place - thus money was required in some way for the relationship to exist in the first place. The problem with our collective relationships to money is that since money is the most important thing in the world 1st, we have conducted and formed all relationships and all laws based on this starting point 1st - instead of conducting and forming laws that change this relationship dynamic/paradigm as the starting point for which money exist and we exist within this relationship to that which would be best for all - which would change the dynamic of all relationships thereafter to that which would be best for all - or at least all of those involving money - and since money has been the starting point for human consciousness for quite some time and still is - the nature of this relationship is key to forming a contextual paradigm shift for which human relationships can form differently in a way that is best for all.

The current paradigm is that which all laws form after the existence of a particular starting point for our relationship to money as a whole - and that relationship is not what is best for all - it is actually based on 'dog eat dog' 'survival of the fittest' and essentially a 'competition' mentality, idea, or state of mind. The main point to understand as to why this mentality has become the predominant idea or state of which this whole world system of money and nature seems to operate - is that it is the result of the programming of which we have deemed 'almighty' and 'truth' - meaning that 'the way things are' is more of a result of how we have collectively decided it to be and allowed it to be over time - thus the outflow of 'how things are' being seen as 'the reality' is not actually the 'reality' but rather the 'idea' being 'imposed upon' reality. And this idea being imposed upon reality not existing within the framework of 'what is best for all' is creating problems because it actually has already been written in 'reality' and in 'consciousness' that 'equality' and 'what is best for all' will 'commence' - and that all other notions of reality and ideas that consciousness has held over time has been and will be considered 'folly' in the ultimate realization of the human race as equal creators in existence as per their individual and collective adherance to 'that which has been designed through the written word' that being 'equality' as 'what is best for all'. 

Day 212

Today has been fairly interesting. My partner is going through morphine withdrawals due to her pump going out without being refilled and the alarm system not alerting her that it was empty so she has been in a lot of pain and experiencing alot of nausea and sickness as a result.

So that's been pretty stressful to deal with at times. We've sort of been bumping heads the last few weeks due to that and other circumstances which have been catalysts for conflict and or masks for a different issue or so I assume some of the issues may be diverted to other points to avoid confronting the main issue or primary points that exist as points of friction or a sort of dissatisfaction regarding.

So within this framework I need to take responsibility for the acceptance of such designs as a part of my resonance - because that which I allow is that which I become equal to - thus the only way to stop and change that which I have allowed myself to accept as a part of my resonance - is to take responsibility for why it was accepted knowing it to be a lesser version of myself by means of presenting this point through the resonance design of one close to me day to day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that accepting limitation and lesser versions of oneself that do not serve my utmost potential is a part of walking the system in self responsibility - within the idea that one must go through the system and or accept certain aspects of the system in order to survive - not realizing that this only affirms a predesign that is actually based in limitation and thus acceptance of these ideas which compells one to accept lesser versions of themselves as a means to ensure a particular survival or acceptance within the system - so that one can be at the headst of the opportunity of creating manifesting and designing the world in the image and,likeness of what is best for all - within that framework not realizing that this acceptance of lesser is the same means by which the collective structural resonance of the human being has come to accept lesser versions of themselves accumulatively into a design that condones limitation as if this was necessary or truth in the first place - within that not realizing that the ultimate truth of who each one is does not condone limitation or a lesser version of oneself as a means to fit in with the structural design of the human that exists in limitation - when the entire goal and process of equality is to realign ones acceptance and allowance as that which becomes their structurally resonant design into a a complete version of what is best for all overcoming all limitations and rules of the system that do not serve ones grand purpose of structually amalgamating with that which is besf for all.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the fear of the reality or dynamics of acceptance and allowance because I know that things that I am allowing are not what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being trapped within the paradigm of the rules of acceptance and allowance within the context of close personal relationships because I am automatically committed to that which they accept and allow as that which they are accepting and allowing within themselves and others - and within that fear that real points such as financial situations and obligations would force me to submit to their point of view because at some point I allowed myself to depend on that person financially to meet my obligations - thus being trapped within their reality of acceptance and allowance as their resonance - thus being limited by their levels of common sense, their application towards change, and their awareness of how this all works.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and,allowed the fear that I will not be able to support myself in the event that I lose or give up on, and or am resonantly possessed to stop that relationship, or see that that which is best for all would entail ending it and would actually mean that I would have to suffer in some way because of losing the support I have received from that person of which in a way has become a trap of,dependence, and thus has automatically lowered me into a position of being inferior and thus subject to their resonance by means of dependence regardless if they're designing themselves into something better and more aware or not - thus leaving me with the likelihood of accepting further limitation or even abuse because my livelihood as money has been melded with theirs.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that which I accept and allow in another is also that which I accept and allow within myself.

I forgive myself thar I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that my potential and awareness is based on the potential and awareness of another whenever the relationship has become in any way a financial depedence on another in order to ensure survival.

Day 211

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of going back to school to pursue a specific career or to get a job to pursue a specific skill or trade.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear tha tI w ill be lost without L and the income of the cleaning business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that if I get another low paying job I will go right back to feeling trapped and confined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I will never get over my fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I will always be trapped within the specific paradigm and programming of relationship within the context of self-imposed limitation through fear of giving up that which one has defined themselves as.

Today was pretty stressful and there was this sort of lingering 'restlessness' within me like I felt like I should be doing something productive but just wasn't and didn't know what I should be doing, and didn't really have the drive and internal movement or motivation within me that usually drives me to get going and get things done. And it sort of felt like there was this 'block' or 'barrier' between me and accessing this sort of internal 'movement' or 'motivation' or 'fire'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fee or let the feeling of hindrance keep me from doing things to be productive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this 'ball' or 'barrier' within me to keep me from doing things that make me feel better by accomplishing small tasks that are productive in producing an overall productive or effective goal. 

Day 210 - NFL Kneeling to Anthem

So over the past few weeks and/or months one of the primary stories in the news and especially in the sports news parts of the journalism in the country has been the NFL players kneeling during the national anthem before the game begins in the stadium. Of which is usually untelevised as far as I can remember unless its a major game including playoffs in the NFL or the MLB or any championship game. According to my understanding these players kneeling in the recent NFL games which consisted of the first 7-8 games was the result of the quarterback of the 49'ers named Colin Kaepernick kneeling during one of the first few games of the season during the national anthem of which players, coaches, and fans usually stand and put their hand over their chest in "respect" for the flag - the flag being a symbol of our nation and the ideas that our country is based upon. At first whenever I heard the news stories of the players kneeling and then hearing the stories of how more and more players were kneeling during the national anthem - and then the stories of how the president was reacting to this kneeling - and how people in our nation were reacting - and how other players, coaches, and fans were reacting to the kneeling - it was apparent that the stories were more focused on telling the story of how 'players kneeled - and others were opposed - and others agreed'. Never really reporting on why the players were kneeling - or demanding an interview with a player that kneeled to get some clarity on why all of these players were kneeling - or why that particular one was kneeling. Within that it became apparent the media was more focused on everything that happened on the surface of the events - from players kneeling - to the president apparently calling them names - and coaches disagreeing - and owners not liking it etc etc. Not the true message or principle within the whole act of kneeling during the anthem. So it seemed that the whole debacle became a battle of the players kneeling vs. everybody that said or thought they were 'disrespecting the flag' instead of getting to the real core message that the players were trying to send - and even going so far as skewing, misrepresenting, or falsifying the reasons for which the players were kneeling in the first place - to fit some sort of 'stereotype' existent within the demographics of the players kneeling and/or 'level of awareness a football player likely has' - like football players kneeling during the national anthem could not mean anything important at all - and that they are all just stuck up brats.

According to my understanding of the reasons why Colin Kaepernick started kneeling during the national anthem was to raise awareness for the treatment of veterans whenever they got home from war - and the level the problems these veterans experience - including up to and including suicide - which according to other research I've done apparently 100,000 veterans have committed suicide since 2001 - and over 7,000 commit suicide every year, thats a pretty noble thing to do and a veteran thing to do. 

Day 209

Right now I'm alot of anxiousness. Its like this real uneasy tension inside of me that is sort of an instabiliy. Its very sort of discomforting to say the least. Not so pleasant I would say. But just the act of writing this down in this moment has been very stabilizing and comforting within itself. Its like the act of writing or within the act of writing it is like being able to see myself right in front of me and is so beneficial on many levels and dimension. Its like whenever I just sort of force myself to sit down and write without hesitation or judgment of the words that are coming out it is like a relief, a stabilization, and a sort of introspection all in one. It truly is amazing its power and affect it can have on me in a single moment. Its like slowing down time - or its like the act of it slows down everything to where my mind stops and I can just be without judgment and without fear. Which is really a great way to unwind, relax, and within that it is like a form of self-therapy that allows for introspection and insigh that I can't get from anywhere else.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mind and the emotional experience within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear anxiousness, anxiety, and uneasiness and the sort of poignancy it can have in a given moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and alowed the fear of becoming addicted to drugs and not having or taking my power back over the compulsion to stop it and transcend it - and if I do fall and give in to the compulsion - to then create an emotional experience of fear within fearing the consequences of giving in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that doing drugs or the experience within doing drugs is really me in self-honesty in self-expression and that the only ways  that I can attain these things is through the experience in the moment of using drugs and the 'high' or 'rush' that is associated with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I cannot or will not stop using drugs - or ever transcend the desire completely without the slightest semblance of lingering or remaining desire and within the foundation being the idea of having a choice to do or not to do - when not realizing that if I do look at it in self-honesty the tools of self-forgiveness and self-writing can and will allow me to transcend all things that are illusions that actually I don't need - and within that gaining more self-power and self-respect than if I had used them instead.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the fear that drugs or the experience within drugs are more than me or more powerful than who I am as self-will and self-determination of which I am the power within and behind these traits as a living example expression of the words which I choose to live and attach myself to within self-definitions.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the thought 'drugs are good and necessary in order to gain a glimpse of self-intimacy and self-honesty - and the use of drugs as far as its relevance or usefulness is more based on who you are within them - than the simple act of doing them within themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that I can or will or actually experinece something real within myself that I cannot obtain anywhere else than through using drugs or the minute or fleeting experience within a moment - not realizing that through self-forgiveness, self-honesty, and self-honest real world application of one's self-forgiveness I can reach much higher levels of self-expression and reaching much higher levels of my utmost potential than from ever using drugs in a moment to soothe a discomfort - not realizing that actually its far more beneficial and better to practice the tools - whether its on the point of drugs themselves or any other points that are self-honestly relevant - as the act within itself of applying the tools will ease that tension, that discomfort, and/or the emotional experiences that impulse or lead me to using drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that i have free choice when it comes to using drugs - within the justification that using drugs is not near as bad as other common things or forms of self-medication whether its alcohol, marijuana, or another form of substance with the goal of deriving some sort of experience to suppress or get away from a prominent emotional experience in a moment or built up over time and created over time.

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that applying the tools of self writing and self forgiveness in any moment is a much more effective to move or deal and/or transcend the emotional mindsets that lead to wanting to use drugs in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that drugs actually do not give me anything real or substantial - nor really benefit me in any real substantial way over time - only a fleeting moment of 'pleasure' or 'bliss' that leaves and leaves me with nothing but the memory or experience.