Day 182

SF on Suppressions regarding event with older woman standing outside of gas station. Had immense attraction and then suppressed it with regards to showing the attraction, expressing the attraction in some way – most obvious way since she was older was to be straightforward about attraction and/or even desire to have sex at some point. And then that was it – and I think that it was so obvious in the entirety of that whole moment where the women actually reacted to me or said something with regards to how I suppressed the whole thing.  Afterwards whenever I came out of the store and got back in the car – I started to feel/experience this feeling of being really self-conscious. After that feeling I started to reminisce of the event with the suppression with the older woman. Within this looking back at it – there was this feeling of absolute regret, disgust, and torment. Like I was just terrorizing myself by following that suppression. And after starting to experience the self-consciousness – and then reminiscing the suppression with the older woman – the suppression with the older woman became very significant and big within my mind – whereas before, during, and after the event with the suppression – it was ‘no big deal’ – ‘just a little suppression’ – and ‘its cute that I look like I’m shy’ – ‘they think I’m cuter because I was acting shy whenever I shouldn’t be at all’ – ‘I’m improving their image of men by not acting like such a dog in their presence – instead acting quiet, shy, and reserved – ‘acting shy indicates that I am not abusive and that I’m basically a good man’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have anything to gain as far as how women see me by being shy, acting shy, or being reserved, subtle, and quiet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must suppress my interactions and attractions to females in my immediate environment in a way because if I do not then they will likely may feel harassed, uncomfortable, and or react emotionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stifle and suppress my interactions with women – whereas within my suppression I am unable to express the point clearly with regards to the relevance regarding where I stand within that moment as far as my attraction to the female.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stifle and suppress my attraction to a female and the outflows/expressions as a result of this attraction regarding what I would say or do if I did not let fear get in the way –and suppression win.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my stiflement and suppression of my attraction to females and/or my expression of attraction towards any particular females in my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my suppression I am dealing with within my mind .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is ‘ok, not harmful, or not abusive’ by acting shy or letting shyness play any role within my pursuit and attraction of a woman.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my suppression of my expression with females that would be in the image and likeness of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the suppression of any existing idea or emotion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the idea and belief that by acting shy ‘I am going to get a girl’s attention because she likes the deception I am using because it is the same as what she uses’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the 

Day 181

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself enough to see what is best for all within my immediate relationships.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand who I am within my relationships - who I want to be - and what is the best course of action to take to be and become who I want to be instead of just who I've been in the past.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see myself within and as each relationship as the best possible potential that could exist for the others in my immediate environment and for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the 'love' paradigm that seems to arise within and as physical intimate relationships with others. 

Day 180

Last night I smoked weed with my girlfriend and I had this moment where my thoughts were just rolling and would not stop. And it was so disheartening and terrible because it was like my mind was this terror reigning down upon me and my body. Completely isolated from my physical awareness - just like this separate entity altogether. Which actually really sucked altogether as well. Because I did not really gain anything from it or any satisfaction it was just like hell and torment reigning down upon me from my mind. Also last night I had this huge sense of self-judgment to the point of having the thought "I am a bad person" - and that also came as the result of having thoughts about the person I was with but yet could not express because it was just useless and evil in nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I am a bad person".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a bad person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for what I do, think, and say to others to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I am no good without some sort of drug".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I am an evil person that has thoughts of evil whenever I am around another person".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of how my mind operates totally separate from me and my physical awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I am too good for Lisa".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I am too good for my own good".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I am no good at life and relationships".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "my life sucks".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "my life is a dismal existence".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "life is too hard".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "my life is no good and just filled with terror, worry, anxiety, and fear".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "my life is too hard".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "my life sucks".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my own mind and the justifications I make for not taking responsibility for my life, who I am, and what I have allowed myself to be and become as the parts of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I am a no good piece of ass and shit".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "my life sucks and my ego is just keeping on getting in my way".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate my life and who I am".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of self-intimacy and intimacy with another female.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my own self-intimacy. 

Day 179 - Where to Begin

So lately I've been listening to the interview called "The Detail and Specificity of the Desteni Process" like over and over again. Why? Because I think that because Bernard is speaking to someone of a similar 'design' as me then it is specific to me in terms of it being directly relevant to me. Basically that since the person is a similar 'design' with similar 'tendencies' then it is of the utmost relevance to me as well because it would be like me having my own personal interview with Bernard. Now what the interview covers is many points but one of the main being the importance and relevance of self-honesty within walking the Desteni process. Discussing that this is a 'process' and has a 'structure' and 'specificity' that is relevant to the person that is attempting to change themselves and birth themselves as life for real. And within the context of participating within the group of change and applying the tools of change - that it is not enough to just be applying the tools or presenting yourself as a part of the group in order for real change to happen - because their is a 'process' and that 'process' is 'specific' - with a 'timeline' - and that the process must be 'walked' 'specifically' or else you are going to 'fuck with yourself' by way of creating an idea about something, someone, and/or self based on 'intellect' instead of real understanding and living through application.

Pre-context:
It really is my ultimate goal to bring about a change within myself and without in the world that is best for all - because I know what higher 'purpose' or 'objective' could there be in existence? The problem being primarily the "Revenge of the Ego" which has stifled me extensively - through my allowance of fears pre-existent within - tendencies/world views/and emotional/behavioral/existential dispositions shaped and formed through events - acceptances and allowances of self existing within ego - that has fucked me extensively as well - thus being extensively screwed by my own participation within ego - approaching and finding Desteni which is essentially the point of 'you must eradicate your ego' - very relevant to me because I've been extensively fucked by my own ego already! Hence the acknowledgement of the relevance of the desteni message from early on - but yet never really grasping - 'how this actually works - and how this actually operates - as far as taking apart the ego - and freeing one's self for real' - because obviously although when I found Desteni and saw the relevance, the necessity, and brilliance behind the message - the group - and the content - having been through extensive trauma and self abuse by and through separation of myself into the ego - I was still extensively 'naive' with regards to 'how this process works' and 'how this ego is the thing that has fucked me extensively and will fuck me again if I do not stop it and eradicate it forevermore'. Because whenever I first found Desteni I had the mentality and the disposition that 'what had happened to me' as far as the events that took place to fuck me royally and isolate myself into my own ego completely - was not all of my doing - that 'something was going on' and 'I wanted to figure out 'why' this happened to me' - as I felt to be a victim to the events that led me to eventually isolating myself within ego - and fucking with myself extensively as far my overall outlook, disposition, viewpoint, and attitude towards the world and towards myself - going from an exhilarating life with tons of friends and a 'can't break me disposition and attitude' - to no friends no girlfriend no extracurriculars - only a few poor sapps for friends that existed only to comfort the excruciating pain I went through being the new kid at school at the time most 'significant' with regards to 'creating a life, planning a future, having sex, expressing one's self in new ways via access to 'more freedoms' and 'more responsibilities' as a result of getting older. The two friends only existing as 'props' that supplied me with 'my drug' which was 'weed' and the 'image' of 'having friends' - because my fear and insecurity was so extensive due to my entire self definition regarding my old life being stripped away from me in one blow - to the point where 'I would never establish a self definition that could be stripped away and devastate me as such' - and within this position within my own ego I chose not to create a new life in the image of what I would have liked to live and express, within the starting point of 'it isn't relevant to me because it can be taken away again and again' - 'first I must figure out what I did wrong and what is really going in this reality' - so I delved further and further into the ego - enveloping it - enhancing it - assisting it - to create an image of myself that I was a 'higher being', an 'enlightened being' - all in attempts to find some 'peace' within my devastation - and justifying my unwillingness to give up my ego and start a new life - letting go of the past - but as well within this whole process of delving into my ego there was an aspect of an inquisitive nature - because essentially my devastation seemed 'unfair' - 'unwarranted' - 'totally unjust'. So my journey began of figuring out what was going on in existence for 'unjustice' to 'meet me' 'devastate me' and almost completely annihilate me. Because within the 'knowing' of 'who I am' I knew that such a thing was unjust - that someone like me - a good person - a kind hearted person - a compassionate person - should not have to go through such devastation. So within my entire self-definition being stripped away from me - which was a point of ego - that ego being dissolved - yet still resembling very closely to the life that I would like to live and express as self-honesty yet void of rules, guidelines, and principles - and not only resembling closely but getting better all the time - gaining more traction in terms of self-confidence and confidence within the point of finally feeling like I'm expressing myself with the people I want to express myself with in ways that I want to express, ways that gives me great pleasure and joy as it was representing me annihilating my bashful and fearful self - that has tormented me most of my life in terms of my relationships to others - one of the great points being how the traction I was gaining in terms of my expression with others would eventually and/or already was translating or spilling over into newfound relationships/expressions with females - with effective expression with females being my ultimate point of desire since I was a little boy. And that momentum being taken away was like almost getting to the top of Mount Everest and then falling off not long before you reach the top. So naturally I had great resentment towards life in general for taking away 'my life' - and also great resentment towards the people that assisted with 'stealing my well being, my life, my livelihood, my friends, and ultimately my newfound expressions with others' - the people that facilitated/carried through the physical separation of me from my hometown, my friends, and ultimately the life built over the course of 4 years. That four years representing the most consistent and stable foundation for creating my life in one place over time that I had experienced throughout the rest of my childhood - and that that building of a life leading up to and going into the most critical time in terms of setting the stage for 'who I am' within my 'future relationships' - being destroyed completely where I isolated myself within the ego. 

So the relevance of the backstory leading up to finding desteni and essentially the point that I wanted to make is that I am still trying to grasp at this stage 'how to walk the process in specificity so that I do not fuck with myself'. That being getting down to self-honesty within my application where it shows that I've got a grasp of where I am and where I am going if I continue to apply myself the way I am effectively. 

Day 178

Today was ok. I went to see a friend last night and somewhere along the way she asked me what music I listened to. So I started sharing some of the music I "like" and have been listening to lately. She seemed offput by my music tastes to the point of saying my music was "weird". Afterwards I felt really uncomfortable to the point of wanting to leave but I sort of suppressed that and gave in to her pleads to stay. Today we were together as I ended up staying and I sort of helped her get a car mostly because I've known her for so long. I didn't feel all that good about 'helping' her but I did anyway and overall the day wasn't too bad. But I didn't feel "good" about "the change" I experienced while spending time with her. It was almost as if she couldn't accept or handle this "new me" that she was faced with since it has been over a year since we last saw each other. And in a way I experienced this doubt that she wasn't able to accept me as who I am and who I've become and who I am becoming. Almost as if she feared the 'realm of mystery' surrounding 'the new me' instead of having the old mental picture of me reinforced in her mind. In a way this felt uneasy and almost felt like 'I couldn't be me' because 'she wouldn't know who I was' or 'know how to handle it'. I guess this is the nature of 'reconnecting' to 'people of the past' who have the 'image of me - in the past' still within their minds as 'who I am'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'people from my past' will instantaneously accept and embrace any change that I have undergone throughout the months and the years.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'people from my past' 'know me more' or 'know the real me' because they've 'known me longer'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'J hates the new me and despises me in general because I wasn't there for over the last few years'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I am incapable of loving or being loved".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I am incapable of physically effective and supportive relationships and agreements".
I commit myself to let the past be the past and move on with my life.

I commit myself to not let people from the past reinvigorate an old idea of myself and sabotage my new self expression.

I commit myself to start a new life and be done with the past failures and hurts. 

Day 177

I'm trying to figure out where I'm going to live in a month and how I'm going to pay for it along with my car payment. So its got me worried and the worry mainly coming from money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of not having enough money to move into a new place and for my car payment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the worry of not having enough money for my bills.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the worry of not making enough money to make my bills on time.

I commit myself to take responsibility for my financial future and security.
I commit myself to take responsibility for making enough money to pay my bills and rent.

Day 176

This evening I had this experience after I got off work - where one instance of 'uncertainty' sort of spiraled me into many different points of uncertainty. So the initial point was 'should I spend $5 and let the automatic car wash wash my car or should I spend $3 and do it myself. I decided to do the $5 automatic wash and afterwards I was just barraged with uncertainty on many different points. Several of the points were related to 'should I go to the bar' ' should I just drive uber and make some money' 'should I text L and get some D's' 'should I go so J in Deland'. And then after several of those points were going through my head I finally got stuck on one where I was battling going to the bar in New Smyrna. I was already a couple of miles in the other direction and was about to turn at a point to go back - didn't then turned at the next point - and immediately after turning at that point I immediately felt uncertain about going back because I had already gone so far. So then I just decided to go back home and maybe go out downtown in Daytona. I did some self-forgiveness on some of these points mainly about uncertainty, decisiveness, and assertiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and breath uncertainty within everything that I do and participate in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be uncertain about every little thing that I do in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be uncertain about my actions concerning going out and drinking vs. my actions involving going home and doing d's vs. going home and just writing vs. going home and just driving for uber.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed of form of decisiveness, assertiveness, and certainty to form as a part of me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live and breath decisiveness, assertiveness, and certainty.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be confident within myself about what I need to do, what I should do, and what is best for all within assisting and supporting myself within this stage or phase within my process.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself enough to know when I am being self-honest and when I am not - and acting within and as emotional energy - and/or a picture presenation of myself rather than on the self-honesty of knowing who I am.


I commit myself to live and breathe certainty, decisiveness, and assertiveness as an expression of me as who I am here.

I commit myself to develop the self-trust to know and be certain about what is best and doing what is best.

I commit myself to trust myself to know and do what is best for all life.