Emptiness

Sometimes I'll get on my computer and I'll see something I like or think is funny and I start to like it or show some kind of appreciation for the content but then there is this hesitation about doing it like I theres a doubt as to whether I should be doing that in reference to for example liking a video that somebody shared that isn't my friend but is friends of a friends. And then whether or not to share that video or content on my page. And then the hesitation goes as far as being unsure how to describe the post to the exact word! Its kind of crazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of people's reactions or opinions about the content that I share online.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of people's assumptions of and the outcomes of what I share or participate within online.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that people will look down upon me or treat me differently in a negative way as a result of what I share, like, or post online.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that people will look at me differently or perceive me differently as a result of what I share, like, or post online.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that life will change negatively as a result of what I participate in online especially facebook.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that facebook will ruin my image.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of ruining my image on facebook.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that people will ruin my image on facebook.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that people will treat me differently after I post something of a particular nature online. 

Orlando World Outreach Center Easter at The Citrus Bowl

Today was an awesome day! I really had a good time at the Orlando World Outreach church event held at The Citrus Bowl in Orlando Florida for the homeless and needy. Fortunately alot of volunteers and people requiring food and services showed up as well! It was really fun and glad I had a chance to get to be a part of it! 

Weed is Gay!

I can't believe this is one of the most popular drugs/substances in the world. Its so mind possessive where you find yourself completely possessed by your mind going through compounds of your personality arising in real time! Its so dumb that people smoke this on a regular basis. I am completely anti-weed I wish this plant had never been created. 

SF

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of making friends and having a life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of going out on the weekends.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of having a life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of making a life for myself that I like and respect.

Give Me the Resolve

Give me the resolve to weather the things that I cannot change. Give me the resolve to get through the nature of the mind. Give me the resolve to weather the outstanding insignificance's of this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of people thinking I am gay.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of people believing I am gay.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of talking to people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of reading.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of people talking about me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of people ridiculing me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of people disliking me.

Give Me the Power

Give me the power to make a substantial difference in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of making a difference in the world for the betterment of all life on earth. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being a good person. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being used and abused by people. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of people hating me or disliking me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of people judging me or looking down upon me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of judgment towards me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of hatred towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of ridicule towards me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of fear-mongering. 

Give Me The Strength

God please give me the strength to carry on. Please give me the guidance needed to function in this world. Please give me the grace to function with compassion,and empathy for all life. Please give me the courage to embrace the unknown. Please give me the strength to be the best human being I can possibly be.

Red Bull Gives You Wings!

Its funny how the advertising/marketing of this product is so in line with the actual effects of this drink. I mean it really does set you on a path of being productive, focused, and in tune with your environment. It has helped me alot in the past few years in all sorts of situations especially when it comes to work and being a hard-worker. It helps me push past tiredness, mental fatigue, mental stagnation, and gives the energy to go and get things done.

Thanks, Red Bull
Sincerely Christopher Cook 

Tonight

Tonight was not a good night. I don't know what exactly happened to make it turn shitty but it did. So pissed off too. I don't really understand how that works. How you can go from feeling good to all of the sudden just feeling terrible. And its not like a manic thing. Its just like feeling normal to all of the sudden just bogged down and feeling like not giving a fuck. Earlier today in the morning I could feel that something was off and I didn't know what it was exactly but sure enough it came back. Maybe not writing a blog yesterday had something to do with it I'm not sure. Or maybe I'm not forgiving myself enough. 

Florida Primary Tomorrow

So Florida's primary is tomorrow and I'm registered as a Republican so i,will have to vote for a Republican in the primary. The primary (no pun intended) point I want to focus on when it comes to this whole dynamic of voting is how difficult it was to figure the basic info I needed to be able to vote in the primary. You would think that since politics rules the world and that politics is ruled by voting by the people that this process would be streamlined for the general public making it easy for them to vote just as it is easy to get online and pay your credit card bill....but it's not. It's actually designed to be a delirious process that one can be easily fed up with if one is not determined. For example the basic necessity of finding the physical location in which one needs to go to vote in the primary if one has not done early voting through the mail. It's like our voting process is still in the stone age as if we do not unlimited technological capabilities at our disposal. I mean if voting is important and the general public wants to have a voice and the general public wants to be included in the process of voting shouldn't it be streamlined to the point of pressing a button on a computer or a phone? I mean if their is an argument of its legitimacy or susceptibility to be hijacked or hacked through the Internet how is that we have systems of credit card payments and online banking that are safe and reliable? I mean just from the general standpoint that the average voter has a very short attention span as indicated by the 30 second slots of commercials, shouldn't the voting process be set up to reflect this dynamic. 

Sexuality

Most of my life from beginning at 6 years old I have been a masturbator. I have always masturbated. But I don't want to be a 'masturbator'. I want to have real sex with real women in real life. I think its ridiculous that a man of my caliber in every facet of being a male human being has had any trouble in my sexuality and sexual expression. Its really just a testament to how effective the mind is at stifling people. Because in all practicality I have everything it takes. 

Boredom

So tonight I'm super bored. Want to go have fun doing something but everybody is caught up with weed and alcohol. And I'm just not that into those substances and if I was going to a drug it would be something good like coke. But it's like an endless cycle.

Mainly what's on my mind is sex and I haven't met any girls since I've been here in florida and have only been laid once by a girlfriend who got all nasty with me so we don't see each other anymore. Plus I live with my mom and don't have my own car. So it's an issue trying to meet a girlfriend or even just a girl to have sex with. I cruise backpage thinking about paying but I don't really want to have to do that. I just don't really have the drive to go out and try to get laid.

Maybe things will change and I will actually have the balls to seek out a girlfriend and what not. Then there's the issue of me having herpes and not wanting to give it to anybody.

I personally think it's bizarre that I've ever had a problem with finding girls considering myself in totality. Q

Forgot to Blog

I notice blogging helps me in my process even though hardly anybody reads this. But I realize its not about them. Its about me and my life. If somebody reads it and likes and shares thats great but thats not my primary objective because essentially I'm not trying to make money from my blog. If I was trying to make money I would post things in a specific nitche regularly to gain traffic and attention. But I don't do that because thats not what this blog is about. Its about what is best for all. Its about self-honesty and self-expression through writing which I have proved over time helps me in my life whether it be for an emotional outlet or mental stability. It helps and I have proved that to myself. 

Back Pain 2

My back pain is a little bit better today but still hurts. Now I have some tingling and numbness in my left hand that came out of nowhere. Its kind of scary and I'm thinking its got to have something to do with my back as well.

I went to OffLease Only in Orlando which is a used car dealership and saw a bunch of cars. It was interesting to see the various differences in the cars including one of the big factors which was smell. Some of the cars had a dog, cigarette smoke, and body odor smell that wasn't too appealing. I'm trying to decide whether I should get a new car(used) or wait until my mom can buy a car and save up to buy her car outright so I won't have a car payment and can just pay insurance. Or I can buy my own car and be done with and pay the monthly payment + insurance. I think I'm just gonna buy my own car for once and be done with it. So now the next step is deciding what car to buy.

Today I had this experience where I all the sudden felt low and angry. And I wasn't sure exactly where it came from. I deduced it was from the fact that my mom had just invited me over to my brothers for dinner as if I had nothing better to do or that it was my duty to go over to his house for dinner. Either way I wasn't exactly given a choice in the matter. She didn't ask me if I wanted to go over there she automatically declared that we were going over there without asking me. So that was a wee bit perturbing. But I had a decent time so it was alright.

I feel so trapped alot of the time. I want to be on my own and be independent. But that scares me to not be saving any money and have to spend it all on bills rent, car, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of buying the wrong car.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my family keeping me trapped.

Im still trying to find a car. This process gets on my nerves. But I want to make a smart decision and get the best car for the best price. Its hard to know youre getting a fair deal out there. This whole process is such a stressful thing. I'm really getting eerie of it. I want to choose the best car for the best price that I can afford. But somehow this whole thing seems dishonest. I want to choose the best car in self-honesty. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Back Pain

I recently started having back pain that I used to have all the time about 7 years ago. Its back and now its like worse or just as bad as before. Which sucks because I do physical work that requires me to bend and stoop almost constantly and today it is really bad. Its got me worried because I don't know if I can keep up with this work with this pain all the time. I feel like I would have to start taking something for the pain to deal with it on a regular basis. I can't believe I have to deal with this sort of thing. I don't exactly know what I'm going to do about this pain.

Writing really helps me sort out things in my head. It somehow helps me sort through all the bullshit that is inside of me including all the fear. Tonight it really helped me because I felt so dead inside after working all day like I had nothing left to give and had no hope for the future. It sort of gets me back on track and focused on going in the direction that I want to go. And gets me back focused on the things that get me going and excited about life.


I'm really tired of my life and existence not having enough money to support myself - to be on my own and have my own life and do what I want. Tired of living with my mom. Tired of relying on family for anything. 

Money=Debt

`This article confounds and expands upon "The Central Bank" because essentially the Central Bank in this country is where all the money is coming from and being filtered into the government and the big banks. Most of the money in circulation is actually credit and theres like 250 trillion in credit money but not very much of actual real currency.

No money comes into our money supply without being supplied in the form of a loan with interest. That's why when America says they are paying 250 billion a year on their debt, thats what they are paying, interest towards the money they borrowed which they couldn't generate in tax revenue. But the key here is that the money that was not generated from tax revenue had to come from somewhere and thats where the central banks come in. So the central banks loan the government money at an interest rate.