Day 126

Today I’m experiencing myself differently than I have been for quite awhile now. With essentially more stability and therefore more comfort and awareness. Last night after doing dishes at work I noticed a change in how I experienced myself/felt where I was afterwards more stable with more awareness. 

I went back to sleep and slept for a couple more hours. I could feel this sort of ‘fogginess’ within my mind but really I think what it was was a more substantial ‘hold’ or ‘basis’ for the mind to influence me such as the tendency to move in thought was substantiated, the tendency to voice certain things whenever I am feeling ‘irritated’ was substantiated. And essentially to move with and as the mind was substantiated after sleeping the extra couple of hours.

So today I can see that I’m very emotional in a self-victimizing sort of way. Feeling like shit and feeling pissed off and feeling sorry for myself. Fuck.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I hate life. I hate people. I hate the world. Fuck life. Fuck the world. Leave me Alone”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a victim to the world not realizing that everything that I experience is due to my own participation in creating instead of taking directive principle in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a victim to my own experience instead of realizing that I have created my experience up until this point within my own participation within certain fears, thoughts, emotions, and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not responsible for what goes on within my own mind and the thoughts, emotions, feelings, and words that exist within and as me as my relationship to myself and others in my world/reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I am a douchebage’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I am an idiot’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I am stupid’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I am incoherent’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘my life sucks balls’.