Day 19

So today I was coming home in my car after my mother bought herself another car. And when she missed the turn to go home I started crying and it felt really good. Then we went out and ate some food and had some drinks and I didn’t feel so well after the drinks. But hey its how it goes with alcohol sometimes. Sometimes it just makes me feel worse than I did before like it compounds things in my mind that make me more susceptible to emotional changes. And it can make me more susceptible to mind stuff anyway like thoughts and emotions. But writing always helps clear things up within me like it has this magic power or something that whenever I am feeling down or lost or hopeless I can just go write out stuff that I’m going through or needlessly incessant about and it helps clarify things and calms me down a lot. 

Fuck alcohol and especially drinking alcohol with my family. It makes me feel absolutely like shit. I fuckin hate it. I just went through a whirlwind of bullshit in my mind and its still going! Great! Fucking fantastic! I can’t stand it when I’m going through this shit! I fucking hate it! I feel like shit! Great! We just had to fucking go out and drink some fucking drinks! ‘Just to celebrate’. What a crock of shit! Till here no further! Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame alcohol for all of my problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for all of my problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for using alcohol at inopportune times that exceeds my ability and my capacity to use proper judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the use of alcohol just to escape and not have to face anything or go through with anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the use of alcohol just to ease the tension or embarrassment that I experience when I am out with my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that my mother will never realize herself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I will never realize myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I will always be trapped by my relationship with my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I will always be trapped by family especially my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I will always be trapped by my own consciousness and fears.