Today I washed the car and went to get some BBQ. At the BBQ place there was this experience like I was out of place or something because I was by myself. Then there was this moment where I was watching a video online of two women singing on a train and it gave me these feelings that I dread so much because I always feel worse afterwards.
Last night I went on a date with a woman. I had a good time. It was important for me to be physical in the date because thats the sort of relationship we have had over the phone and through text. A sort of affectionate lovey dovey relationship. We didn't have sex. But we did hold hands and hug and other stuff. She didn't want to have sex on the first date. Of course I was disappointed because everything we were doing was pointing to sex eventually but I'm not completely bummed that we didn't because there is promise that we will one day. Or is that delusional to think that? I'm not sure. I don't know how the whole dating thing works because that was the first date I've been on. All the other girls I have been with it was sort of known that we were going to have sex the first night we ever saw each other. The only other date I've been on was with Trish and we met at a bar and we didn't go home together but I think she did tell me to come over that night. So I guess I don't know how the whole dating thing works.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always expect sex on the first date with a woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bummed out if I do not receive sex on the first date with a woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of having sex on the first date with a woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that if I don't have sex on the first date that I will never have sex with that woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that if I don't touch a woman and feel her in some way then it won't go anywhere.
Last night I stopped by the cornerstore to pick up a frappucino. As I was pulling in my neighbor and her boyfriend were pulling in as well. I got one look at her and she was beautiful. I didn't introduce myself because for some reason I didn't find it appropriate. I mean I should have or should have already introduced myself to my neighbors right across the street but I haven't. I try not to let that whole mind concept weigh me down anymore because for a long time there was just fear when it came to seeing them because we hadn't met and all that. That was primarily caused by my other neighbor instilling fear in my mom about those neighbors and then my mom instilling fear within me about those neighbors. So I never met them. Otherwise I heard the female Mother over there say that I was crazy. So then again I think I have also been holding that against them. Anyways she's been in my head this morning for no reason other than she is my neighbor which is important and she's beautiful. So whats going on in my mind is all these thoughts and scenarios about her and me. Then also about how her family is keeping her from me on purpose. Anyways she's got a boyfriend so I'm just gonna let it go at that. What I don't want is for this to be another time when a girl gets into my head and I can't get her out! Not until I've done alot of forgiveness and gone through alot of regret and then alot of time has passed! Thats what I don't want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire another man's girlfriend.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want another man's girlfriend.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want another man's girlfriend to leave him for me.
Last night I went on a date with a woman. I had a good time. It was important for me to be physical in the date because thats the sort of relationship we have had over the phone and through text. A sort of affectionate lovey dovey relationship. We didn't have sex. But we did hold hands and hug and other stuff. She didn't want to have sex on the first date. Of course I was disappointed because everything we were doing was pointing to sex eventually but I'm not completely bummed that we didn't because there is promise that we will one day. Or is that delusional to think that? I'm not sure. I don't know how the whole dating thing works because that was the first date I've been on. All the other girls I have been with it was sort of known that we were going to have sex the first night we ever saw each other. The only other date I've been on was with Trish and we met at a bar and we didn't go home together but I think she did tell me to come over that night. So I guess I don't know how the whole dating thing works.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always expect sex on the first date with a woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bummed out if I do not receive sex on the first date with a woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of having sex on the first date with a woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that if I don't have sex on the first date that I will never have sex with that woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that if I don't touch a woman and feel her in some way then it won't go anywhere.
Last night I stopped by the cornerstore to pick up a frappucino. As I was pulling in my neighbor and her boyfriend were pulling in as well. I got one look at her and she was beautiful. I didn't introduce myself because for some reason I didn't find it appropriate. I mean I should have or should have already introduced myself to my neighbors right across the street but I haven't. I try not to let that whole mind concept weigh me down anymore because for a long time there was just fear when it came to seeing them because we hadn't met and all that. That was primarily caused by my other neighbor instilling fear in my mom about those neighbors and then my mom instilling fear within me about those neighbors. So I never met them. Otherwise I heard the female Mother over there say that I was crazy. So then again I think I have also been holding that against them. Anyways she's been in my head this morning for no reason other than she is my neighbor which is important and she's beautiful. So whats going on in my mind is all these thoughts and scenarios about her and me. Then also about how her family is keeping her from me on purpose. Anyways she's got a boyfriend so I'm just gonna let it go at that. What I don't want is for this to be another time when a girl gets into my head and I can't get her out! Not until I've done alot of forgiveness and gone through alot of regret and then alot of time has passed! Thats what I don't want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire another man's girlfriend.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want another man's girlfriend.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want another man's girlfriend to leave him for me.
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