Day 12

I have this like deep apathy for life. Why is that? Its like I don't care about going out and stuff. I'm not sure why that is. Maybe its my inept fear/anger thats inside of me suppressing all that I could live for. If I look at it in self honesty its just a deep fear. Fear of change fear of the unknown. Fear of the known. Its kind of like last night. I was just about to go out to the bar. But fear got the better of me. I sort of sat there contemplating whether I should go out or not and then just sort of moved away from it. And my experience within just about to drive off to go out was like 'this is right'. But then I moved away from it and didn't go out and drank coke as a form of coping.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of going out in public drinking or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of going out in public to meet new friends or to meet women.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of going out in public to socialize and be connected to people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being connected to people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the judgment of people for being a part of the system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the judgment of myself for looking for sex in a bar.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the judgment of people who drink alcohol.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the judgment of people who drink alcohol out at bars.