Day 21

Today was ok. I had a moment where I was waiting on my brother and his family and my mom to get back to his house after picking up some Key Lime Pie and looking at a rental property where I was like feeling awkward and out of place. I told them I would wait for them to get back. But then I ended up just leaving because I felt that to be best. But then afterwards my experience was that of dreariness and darkness. This experience was like that of something enclosing upon me. Then when I got home I was just sort of sitting inside myself in this place of dreariness and darkness then my mom came home and got up and I went outside to change environments to help get past this experience. Which actually helped quite effectively and quickly. 

Day 20

Today I was doing pretty well. I was quite stable within myself for the most part of the morning. And then something changed after I bought a monster energy drink. I suddenly wasn’t as stable. Some of the things I see I did differently today was that I didn’t eat breakfast at all.

This morning I woke up and my mind was filled with all of these thoughts about me being gay. And none of that is true or real. That’s all shit that stems from me working at this place where a gay guy has been spreading the rumor around work saying that I am gay which is not true. Just because he is a woman in a man’s body doesn’t mean I am. I’m so miserable. I don’t know what to do about this. Its like I am being consumed by this energy/thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I am homosexual’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I am a gay man’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘Everyone at work is gay’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘Everyone is gay’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘People are assholes and deserve to die’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I hate my life and I want to die’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I hate everything and want to die’.

Goal: Find a good job with good people. 

Day 19

So today I was coming home in my car after my mother bought herself another car. And when she missed the turn to go home I started crying and it felt really good. Then we went out and ate some food and had some drinks and I didn’t feel so well after the drinks. But hey its how it goes with alcohol sometimes. Sometimes it just makes me feel worse than I did before like it compounds things in my mind that make me more susceptible to emotional changes. And it can make me more susceptible to mind stuff anyway like thoughts and emotions. But writing always helps clear things up within me like it has this magic power or something that whenever I am feeling down or lost or hopeless I can just go write out stuff that I’m going through or needlessly incessant about and it helps clarify things and calms me down a lot. 

Fuck alcohol and especially drinking alcohol with my family. It makes me feel absolutely like shit. I fuckin hate it. I just went through a whirlwind of bullshit in my mind and its still going! Great! Fucking fantastic! I can’t stand it when I’m going through this shit! I fucking hate it! I feel like shit! Great! We just had to fucking go out and drink some fucking drinks! ‘Just to celebrate’. What a crock of shit! Till here no further! Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame alcohol for all of my problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for all of my problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for using alcohol at inopportune times that exceeds my ability and my capacity to use proper judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the use of alcohol just to escape and not have to face anything or go through with anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the use of alcohol just to ease the tension or embarrassment that I experience when I am out with my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that my mother will never realize herself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I will never realize myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I will always be trapped by my relationship with my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I will always be trapped by family especially my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I will always be trapped by my own consciousness and fears. 

Day 18

My family is sort of having this war between ideas. One is Christian and proclaiming the word of the Bible and the other is into consciousness and proclaiming the ideas of 'love' and 'awareness'. So I really don't know where to stand within this whole debacle because either way it seems it will backfire in some way I'm not sure. Technically I tried to 'save them' a long time ago and nothing happened so I'm not exactly going to start delving into that whole thing again. I am really tired of that useless babble about love and shit that my oldest brother espouses. And at the same time how he mocks Christians for no reason other than he feels Christianity to be lies or what not. But I showed him the way a long time ago and he didn't do anything with it. So be it. 

Day 17

Yesterday I didn’t get a chance to write anything down. I was too worried about trying to get laid and what not. And nothing happened anyway but its ok I guess. I guess I could have asked Cassi if she wanted to hang out but the car is not running very well and the check engine light came on. I let it run for like 5 straight hours but it was still running weird by the time I turned it off. When I was at the beach earlier I met a group of guys and was talking to them. I was looking for the girls on the beach and saw one in the vicinity by herself and was thinking about going to talk to her but I didn’t because I saw her stomach and it was one of those flabby stomachs. But then I regretted not going over to talk to her because there was no other girls that I could have talked to other than two that were reading but I decided not to talk to them because it was two girlfriends together reading. She was the only girl I saw there by herself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear talking to women by the beach or on the beach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge women’s bodies as not good or not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge women for not coming to me and me having to make contact with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of putting myself out there in front of people, meeting people, and especially meeting women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of women reacting to me if I put myself out there and meet them and talk to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge women’s bodies as too good for me or not good enough. 

Day 16

Relationship with Money:

I see that my relationship to money is based on fear. Fear of not having enough money. Fear of running out of money. Fear of always being stuck within not having very much or having just enough to get by. Fear of being stuck within the money point where my whole life I just have enough to live but not be able to do all the things I want and live the life that I want with all the things that I could want to buy. That’s one of the main things when it comes to my relationship with money is that I want enough money where if I see something I want to buy I will be able to buy no thoughts no questions asked that’s it its done. And then within that there is this whole conglomerate of negativity attached to the reality that I don’t have that. So within this all I have the desire to be rich and be able to go anywhere I want and buy anything I want and live the life of my dreams with girls of plenty and power. Within this there is also the belief that I will never have that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that I will never have the life of my dreams with plenty of women surrounding me and lots of money and power and totally rich.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that if I were to have the life of my dreams with lots of money, women, and power that I wouldn’t know how to handle it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I will never be rich.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I won’t have what I want in this life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I will never have the intimacy with the opposite sex that I want and desire in this life. 

Day 15

So today was an ok day. I had this like drudged experience earlier in the day where it was like I was in this gauntlet of shit. I didn’t get out of it until I went across the street to the gas station to eat something and had a Frappuccino. For some reason the Frappuccinos have been helping lately.  Yeah it was like I was in this drudgery. Then later on at my other job I was feeling good and everything. Then whenever I was getting into my car to make a delivery I witnessed a father do the whole ‘don’t ever go outside by yourself again!’ thing clearly instilling fear into her about going outside by herself. Within me I wanted to yell ‘hey take it easy’ before his outburst but I didn’t do it out of fear that he may react to me or get pissed off at me. Because in that moment I had a feeling of what was coming and the consequences that may have on such a young child. But I didn’t do anything out of fear that he may react or that I would hear from my boss ‘don’t tell people how to raise their kids’. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of acting in a way that is best in a moment out of fear of the consequences of such a moment or movement or action. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of acting in a way that is best that would also give me a sense of self-respect and self-preservation. 

Day 14

Today I got really pissed off at work. And then I reported my coworker for sexual harassment because it had to be done.

Relationship With Money.

List all my problems. In order of intensity. Then be creative and innovative on finding solutions for those problems.

Network, Get Yourself Moving, Put Yourself Out There.

Problems: In order of Intensity

1.       Guy at work harasses me verbally in a sexual way.

Solution: Report him to the manager/owner (check)

Tell him it is unacceptable

2.       No car relying on my mothers car for transportation.

Solution: buy a used car

3.       No girlfriend

Solution: Go out and introduce myself, talk to women, get their numbers, see where things go

Find dates on dating sites

Get to know someone

4.       Living with Parent(Mother) – lots of conflict arises out of our relationship especially when one uses the other as their social outlet or partner in going out

Solution: Rent a trailer or apartment. Get out!

5.       Not much money to complete #2 and #4.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of networking and putting myself out there in terms of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of networking for new better higher paying jobs/careers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of placing my networking abilities and abilities to find ways to make a lot of money on the top of my priorities list.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the judgment of myself for not making a lot of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief and fear that I don’t have what it takes to make a lot of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief and fear that I don’t have the mental acumen or the confidence to go out there and network and put myself out there to make more money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the prospect or the potential of going out and making more money. 

Day 13

Today I washed the car and went to get some BBQ. At the BBQ place there was this experience like I was out of place or something because I was by myself. Then there was this moment where I was watching a video online of two women singing on a train and it gave me these feelings that I dread so much because I always feel worse afterwards.

Last night I went on a date with a woman. I had a good time. It was important for me to be physical in the date because thats the sort of relationship we have had over the phone and through text. A sort of affectionate lovey dovey relationship. We didn't have sex. But we did hold hands and hug and other stuff. She didn't want to have sex on the first date. Of course I was disappointed because everything we were doing was pointing to sex eventually but I'm not completely bummed that we didn't because there is promise that we will one day. Or is that delusional to think that? I'm not sure. I don't know how the whole dating thing works because that was the first date I've been on. All the other girls I have been with it was sort of known that we were going to have sex the first night we ever saw each other. The only other date I've been on was with Trish and we met at a bar and we didn't go home together but I think she did tell me to come over that night. So I guess I don't know how the whole dating thing works.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always expect sex on the first date with a woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bummed out if I do not receive sex on the first date with a woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of having sex on the first date with a woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that if I don't have sex on the first date that I will never have sex with that woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that if I don't touch a woman and feel her in some way then it won't go anywhere.

Last night I stopped by the cornerstore to pick up a frappucino. As I was pulling in my neighbor and her boyfriend were pulling in as well. I got one look at her and she was beautiful. I didn't introduce myself because for some reason I didn't find it appropriate. I mean I should have or should have already introduced myself to my neighbors right across the street but I haven't. I try not to let that whole mind concept weigh me down anymore because for a long time there was just fear when it came to seeing them because we hadn't met and all that. That was primarily caused by my other neighbor instilling fear in my mom about those neighbors and then my mom instilling fear within me about those neighbors. So I never met them. Otherwise I heard the female Mother over there say that I was crazy. So then again I think I have also been holding that against them. Anyways she's been in my head this morning for no reason other than she is my neighbor which is important and she's beautiful. So whats going on in my mind is all these thoughts and scenarios about her and me. Then also about how her family is keeping her from me on purpose. Anyways she's got a boyfriend so I'm just gonna let it go at that. What I don't want is for this to be another time when a girl gets into my head and I can't get her out! Not until I've done alot of forgiveness and gone through alot of regret and then alot of time has passed! Thats what I don't want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire another man's girlfriend.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want another man's girlfriend.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want another man's girlfriend to leave him for me.

Day 12

I have this like deep apathy for life. Why is that? Its like I don't care about going out and stuff. I'm not sure why that is. Maybe its my inept fear/anger thats inside of me suppressing all that I could live for. If I look at it in self honesty its just a deep fear. Fear of change fear of the unknown. Fear of the known. Its kind of like last night. I was just about to go out to the bar. But fear got the better of me. I sort of sat there contemplating whether I should go out or not and then just sort of moved away from it. And my experience within just about to drive off to go out was like 'this is right'. But then I moved away from it and didn't go out and drank coke as a form of coping.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of going out in public drinking or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of going out in public to meet new friends or to meet women.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of going out in public to socialize and be connected to people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being connected to people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the judgment of people for being a part of the system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the judgment of myself for looking for sex in a bar.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the judgment of people who drink alcohol.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the judgment of people who drink alcohol out at bars. 

Day 11

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'this world sucks ass'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of doing what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'this world is going to hell in a hand basket real quick'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of women and dating.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of women's fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of dating a woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being a woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of putting myself in a woman's shoes rhetorically speaking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of putting myself out there in front of women.

Day 10

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my own judgments against people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of how I think.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my own commitment to life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the Thought life is hard.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought life is difficult.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought this life is so hard.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that my life will,never change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought this life is so boring.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought this life is so cruel.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought this life is so inept.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought this life is too challenging.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought this life is not worth the struggle.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought this life is not worth the hassle.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought this life is too full of bullshit.

I commit myself to make the best of my life.

Day 9

Today has been stressful a little bit. I don't know what to write about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'this world is just cruel and evil'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'i hate this world'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'I hate life'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'I hate my mother'.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the thought 'i hate everything my mother represents'.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the thought 'I hate myself and all things in this reality'.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the thought ' this world sucks dick'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ' this world is just abusive'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ' this world can die and I wouldn't care'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'this world can suck my dick'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'this world sucks'.

I get this experience of fear everytime I think about going to work in the morning. Like having to face everybody scares me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going to work and fear the people I work with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of seeing the people at work that I have disdain for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the people at the carwash.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear starting a new life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of making a change in my life that will impact me and those around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going after women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of making a change with regards to my relationship to females and how I view them, how I treat them, and how  I pursue them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of making a change in my life that will impact my well being significantly in a good way as well as those around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that if I don’t pursue women they will not pursue me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I will die if I do not change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I will not change if I do not ask god for forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I will not change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I won’t be able to move past my relationships that are hindering me in this reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the excuse and justification that if I do not abuse life in some way I will be abused and thus be at the mercy of other’s torment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that if I do not abuse I will be abused extensively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that if I do not get a grip on how I am supposed to handle myself in this reality then I will be swept away and forgotten.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the excuse and justification that I am at the mercy of other’s subjections and opinions instead of my own life will and force within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the excuse and justification that I am at the mercy of other’s perceptions and torments based on their nature and what they have accepted and allowed within themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the excuse and justification that I cannot make a difference in this world/ reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the excuse and justification or belief that I don’t care about this reality or my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the excuse and justification that it is my parents fault that my life is the way it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I will never realize myself and get out of consciousness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘smoking is best for all’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘smoking is a way to escape’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘smoking is easy’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘smoking is abuse’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘smoking is good for me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘smoking makes me a better person because I don’t jack off as much when I smoke’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘smoking gives me pleasure’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘smoking is like giving up my life to evil’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘smoking is assisting and supporting to me to get out of consciousness’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘smoking is a way for me to relax and take my mind off things’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘smoking is useful’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘smoking is better than sex’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘smoking is making me a good person’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘smoking is making me more in tune with breath and reality’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘smoking is a way for me to suppress my sexual desires’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘smoking is so much better than being in my mind’. 

Day 8

Today I was at the beach with my mother and there was a beautiful girl that I wanted to talk to but I didn't have the guts. I was afraid that she would reject me or that her girlfriends would keep her from creating a connection with me and that she would judge me for being with my mom. And I was afraid to go talk to her in front of my mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of talking to women in public in front of my mom.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of talking to women in groups.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of talking to women in general.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of what women think of me or will think of me if they know I live with my mom.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that women will not want me if they know I do not have alot of money and do not have a college degree and do not make alot of money.

Day 7

Yesterday was interesting. There was a moment where it was like I was really in the moment where it felt like I was like in the groove with things like I was getting things done forcefully and astutely. And within that the normal distractions or things that would normally slow me down went by the wayside. It was more like every movement was being productive and I wasnt missing steps along the way. And this is the kind of movement with myself that I want to feel and experience all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of living in quantum time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of living outside or inside without fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of living without fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of living from moment to moment in quantum reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought my life is over.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of living from moment to moment without stopping, without worrying, and without hesitations.

Day 6

So last night I was feeling good with no darkness within me and after I smoked two cigarettes and looking on facebook I went back to darkness because I was looking at who liked my latest post and one of them was a gay guy from my high school. And then I concluded that he has been contributing to the idea or image to people that I may be gay just by the fact that we are friends and he is liking my posts. And that people from my work may have gotten that idea which has contributed to this idea or rumor that i may be gay at work. So then I tried to delete him but the Internet couldn't connect at that moment so then I went inside and got really tired so I went to sleep on the couch.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of people thinking or perceiving that I am gay or bisexual.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of letting people in my life that are gay and the consequences of that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of people thinking or perceiving that I am gay because of accepting gay people in my life and on facebook.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of people thinking I am gay and thus abusing me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted allowed the fear of people abusing me because they think I am gay.

Day 5

I'm extremely unhappy and I don't know what I should do about it. It feels like my world is collapsing around me. I don't know what to do? What the fuck. I'm so tired of bullshit. I feel like just leaving this town and never coming back. But I don't have the money really to do that. So what should I do?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought I don't know what to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought I hate the world and wish everybody would die.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought I hate myself and the entire universe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought I hate the world and wish ill upon all people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought I hate the world and wish my coworkers would die.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought this world is bullshit and I hope that everybody suffers immensely.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought this world can suck my dick.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought if I don't make it you won't either.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought this world is going to shit really fast.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought this world can suck my balls.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought this world is full of hate.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought this world is evil.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought this world sucks the life out of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought this world is terrible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought this world sucks.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought this world is shitty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought I hate this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought this world can go straight to hell.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought this world will never realize it's true potntial

Day 4 - Redefining Bitch

So I have seen how in my mind's eye I have come to define women as a sort within the word 'bitch'. And within this going back and forth between the idea that 'all women are bitches' and also 'only some women are bitches'. So an interesting thought behind this ordeal with 'all women are bitches' or 'only some women are bitches' I have never considered that I could redefine the word bitch in itself.

1. 
   
2. 1:  the female of the dog or some other carnivorous mammals
3. 2a :  a lewd or immoral womanb :  a malicious, spiteful, or overbearing woman —sometimes used as a generalized term of abuse
4. 3:  something that is extremely difficult, objectionable, or unpleasant
5. The dictionary definition. 

Within my mind the primary exposure or meaning that is invoked when I hear or am exposed to this word is within the context of definition 2b and to a lesser extent 2a. Within this there is also the linked assumption or idea that this definition is synonymous with all females which is actually high degrading and disrespectful. So is there a way I can redefine this word in my mind's eye to not be of the representation of something highly degrading and disrespectful to people? I can redefine the word 'bitch' as something extremely difficult, objectionable, and unpleasant. Within that not linking this word to an entire sex of people but linking it to certain situations or events that fit within this context. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define all females within the category of 'bitch' as a malicious, spiteful, or overbearing woman or a lewd woman. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'all women are bitches'. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the emotional attachment of the word 'bitch' to its "malicious, spiteful, lewd, or overbearing woman' definition or connotation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that my definition of the word 'bitch' and its connotation of a 'malicious, spiteful, lewd, or overbearing woman' has limited my capacity to have honest relationships with females as whole. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that all females are bitches within the context of 'a malicious, spiteful, lewd, or overbearing woman'. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that women are generally 'lewd, spiteful, malicious, and overbearing'. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that some women are generally 'lewd, spiteful, malicious, and overbearing'. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that women as a sex are wholeheartedly 'lewd, spiteful, malicious, and overbearing' as a general nature. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the belief that all women are within the context of my mind's eye's primary definition of 'bitch' are actually all evil. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the belief and assumption that all women are evil. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief and assumption that all women are evil and spiteful in nature and hence they are all 'bitches'. 

I commit myself to redefine the context and nature of this word's use to not be synonymous with all women but to be reserved for some situation or authority that abuses their power. 

I commit myself to redefine the nature of the word 'bitch' to include not only those who abuse their power but for the ones that deliberately impose harm on others out of spite.

Day 3 - Pornography

So one of my issues with my sex life is that since I'm not getting any sex I have to or compelled to look at pornography to achieve orgasm. Part of me feels like this is just a side effect of one not getting any and not having the money to support an effective relationship but part of me also thinks this is a catch 22 thing according to what i have been taught about pornography and sex. Which in that equation my lack of a sex life is due to my addiction to pornography. I would counter and say its more because of my lack of money but then again I have been taught that if you have an addiction to pornography will cause a lack of money. All I know is that in self-honesty when I don't have sex and don't have an effective release of some sort then it can cause serious problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that pornography is an effective replacement for real sex with a woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that pornography is equal to having sex with a real woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge pornography as being bad and within that judge myself as being bad within participating within the construct of pornography.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the construct of pornography.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the judgment of pornography and all of its users.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the judgment of the orgasms that I achieve while using pornography.

I commit myself to find a partner in life to have real sex with.
I commit myself to find a partner in life that will open up new doors for my being and my expression in this existence. 

Day 2 Sleep

So today I got up at 6:00 on the dot which hasn't happened in a while because I ususally sleep through my 6:00 alarm and never even hear it but this morning I either did hear or my body naturally got up at 6:00. This has been an ongoing issue because if I set an alarm for a certain time I usually want to get up at that time but my body hasn't wanted to get up at that time and many times I'll only get up to the very last alarm and then set a timer for how much remaining time I want to sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the feeling of tiredness to overwhelm me in the morning to where I just want to sleep in or continue sleeping past my alarms.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed tiredness in the mornings to control and possess me to sleep more than I need to and thus causing unwanted consequences throughout my day.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the feeling of tiredness to overwhelm me and control me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the feeling of tiredness to be greater than my will to get up in the morning at a certain time.

I commit myself to get up at the time that I set my alarms and if not to not judge myself for it.
I commit myself to have the will to get up at a certain time whenever I declare with an alarm that certain time.
I commit myself to make my will to get up in the morning and be an effective human being greater than my will to sleep longer. 

Blogging

I notice that the proceeding days after I blog there is an accumulation effect that happens where I feel like I have more of a purpose and that I'm living out that purpose. I guess thats the whole point of the 7 year journey to life is finding your purpose in life. So I commit myself to blog for 21 days straight to see how it can change my life and effect me on a personal basis in my day to day experience. I commit myself to write myself to life in finding the support that is necessary to be an effective human being in this world. I commit myself to finding the purpose that was given to me from birth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being in public around other people and talking and interacting with those people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the idea that I can't be in public and be surrounded by people and have a good time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that my personality does not jive with being in public around other people and talking and interacting with those people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the idea that my personality is not going to be ok in a public setting where there is drinking going on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that my life will deteriorate if I go to the bar and drink around others and talk and interact with others at the bar.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that bars will deteriorate my well being and cause me to go down a path that is destructive and will-less.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the idea that the universe will destroy my well being and personal happiness if I choose to go out and have fun with people in my environment.