Over the years i have come to equate sex and sexual expression as far as attaining what one desires in sex to an extension of money because in my earlier adult years whenever i was out of school and working i saw that virtually no woman actually had any interest in me besides the superficial attractions which i learned i could manipulate to see who came and went based on particular things about my appearance that i could easily change. This turned me off so to speak because after all said and done i knew that this persons interest in me was basically shallow and only based preprogrammed inputs in their minds that they have attached a particular definition to in their minds eye as 'attractive'. I had attached alot of the same shallow connections and relationships to images and attractiveness in my minds eye as well so in actuality i cant really judge too much. But what i found in my early years was that struggling to fit into societys mold i started to attach a specific relationship to towards females and sex with females. The primary component within that relationship was the idea or notion that sex and the ability to obtain it was essentially an extension of money whereas within this i attached multiple dimensions and layers upon that basic foundation. This i found to be very harmful to my relationship to the very idea of the female wherein i though that since i didnt have money then i was nearly disregarded by most females if not abused in the process even though inside myself i knew what i could offer to them, but it wouldnt be money..at first. This i mostly found to be a futile adventure where actually a small amount of oportunities presented themselves maybe 6-7 over a period of 7-8 years wherein all opportunities required absolution of this paradigm or else it was doomed from the start. And practically none of them manifested in anything substantial whatsoever and some of them actually stood to be very abusive and a basic dishonoring of myself that i have had to deal with over the years. But the one simple basic point i wanted was acceptance of my lack of money regardless of everything else which in my minds eye would prove that she 'loves me' or 'cares about me'. In my mind i separated all women into those categories and any woman that even vaguely hinted at being predisposed to demanding money first then the mans treatment second i would disregard. I felt it to be an abomination for females to sacrifice their honor and duty to uphold men who were deemed as the bearers of that which is good, to not only consider absolving this for the sake of one with more money but to actually realign their goals conpletely to money almost entirely! I found it be utterly reprehensible disgusting and shallow considering i knew who i was and i knew what every woman along the way not only passed up but many actually spit on (metaphorically speaking) as they did so in pursuit of the man that had the dough rather than the man who had the yeast and the flour at their shop.
I forgive myself that ihave accepted and allowed myself to equate women my relationships with them and my ability to obtain sex with them based almoat solely on money effectively reducing most women as whores in my minds eye.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed to hate disrespect and denigrate the value of the female in my minds eye through accepting and allowing myself to submit to this idea that a womans interest in men is only based upon money .
I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself as to the value and role that money plays in sustaining a relationship in the same respect of how money plays a role in almost everything i am practically able to participate in in reality irregardless of the existence of the female.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge denigrate and ultimately resent the female expression through submitting to this mind construct relationship of money=sex=women and no money=no sex=no women and thus through submitting to this mind relationship i virtually subconsciously only set out to vilify my point of view without awareness of what i was doing which essentially confirmed for many years that i was right not realizing that through my submission to this system i was self fulfilling this as a prophecy in my reality that show to prove me right whenever and wherever possible to keep me trapped in my limitation of ego and living as if life is justification for ego and not unconditional and best for all.
SF to be continued
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