This morning I woke up and I had this like swollenness to my
face and eyes and the thought that came to mind was “I feel like I just got hit
by a mac truck”. This thought goes back to whenever my mom and/or my dad would say
that to describe a state or else a physical look somebody might have after they
look like they’ve ‘been through hell’. Its such a heaviness in the face and head area
whenever this happens. And usually there are bags under my eyes and such to go
along with it.
Today was super stressful. Just in general I felt like I was
in my mind most of the day until I got back to edgewater and met up with my
girlfriend and spent some time with her going around looking at places to live.
That was relaxing and a relief just to be in her presence although I do feel
like there are some abusive tendencies within her within her concept
/ideas/beliefs about men and relationships in general. I do see, realise, and
understand that as a mind consciousness system she and other women will
superimpose their ideas, concepts, beliefs, and or associative memories with
past relationships and their programming of how a relationship unfolds as
learned through parents, media, friends, and past relationship partners.
I played a video game earlier and the experience I had after
I played was like almost like I had been watching porn. There was nothing
fulfilling or beneficial about it to where after I stopped playing I could say ‘oh
that was fun. I’m glad I played that game’. It was more like a ‘devouring’ of
self into ‘images’ instead of something beneficial and supportive towards
getting back down to reality or expanding or expressing myself in a way that
made me feel more stable, calm, or
expressive.
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