Day 63

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being a part of life and people's events and interactions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of misusing or abusing another's power and self for my own personal wants and desires.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of misusing or abusing one's empathy for the purpose of my own self centered goal or objectives.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the misuse and abuse of another's sympathy and empathy for my own self-conceded control over one's mind and body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that I must control outcomes and situations to fit my liking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that I must control people, outcomes, and situations in order to feel appreciated and humble.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I am just an abuser and lack empathy or compassion for others.

Day 62

I care about my life.
I care about myself.
I care about me.

I care about who I am becoming.
I care about the nature of reality.
I care about how the mind works.

I care about the mind and how it works.
I care about all life equally. 

Day 61

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed money to be 'the root of all evil' in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the idea of money being 'the root of all evil' in this world discern and dictate the relationship that I create to money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the 'root of all evil'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the possibility of the 'root of all evil' tearing down and destroying what life I have left on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that money as 'the root of all evil' will destroy and annihilate the human being made in self-interest.

Day 60

Today I got up later around 7:45. My alarm went off at 6:00 and I woke up to it but I didn't get up I still had the desire to sleep in till I absolutely had to get up and get going to go to work. I want to start getting up earlier in the morning around 6:00 to prove to myself that I have some self-discipline and self-mastery to avoid the mind possession that comes with sleeping too much.

I commit myself to start getting up at 6:00 in the morning and start my day with tasks that may need to be done that didn't get done the night before and leave myself time to write in the morning so that I can be more effective and more self-willed throughout the day. 

Day 59

I feel really shitty. I pretty much feel defeated within myself. I pretty much hate my life and my existence. I never thought being in a relationship with somebody could bring out the worst in me or the worst in that other person but apparently it has. I'm trying to focus on doing what is best for all at all times. I think thats been really my only guidance as of late.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the fear of being self honest.
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of letting go of people in my life that do not serve what is best for all in my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of stopping the mind and letting go of the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of releasing myself from the hold and possession of thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of letting go of the past and starting a new life. 

Day 58

Tonight I am extremely uncomfortable within myself. I feel like I'm going through hell within myself.

Tonight I'm experiencing fear of the future,uncertainty about the future, all the while dealing with mind games and drama with my agreement partner. I feel so lost without direction and certainty within myself. What do I do? Tonight I'm really starting to feel like I'm losing control over myself and my emotions. She denied me sex and any sexual contact tonight. So earlier I went to lay down and started looking at porn and I felt so shitty and limited during that time that I got up and slammed the wall. This is real shitty.
I don't know what to do. I feel like ending my life I'm so miserable. Why am I so miserable? Much more than ever it seems?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as miserable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of letting go of fearful abusive people in my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of letting go of fear and abuse from my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of letting go of all fear of failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of stopping the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of deleting people from my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of letting go of the past and starting again anew.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of belonging/being in a group.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of participating within a group format.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of doing what is best for a group as a whole.

Day 57

Today I had an interesting day. Not very many reactions or elongated periods of a particular experience within my mind and being. But I did have a couple particular instances/moments that stuck out to me. One was early in the morning one of my coworkers walked behind me while I was vacuuming a car and said 'chris. bro. do me a favor and pull up your pants'. Inside of myself I was kind of angry about him saying that and my experience proceeding that event was kind of like this anger but not really intense. The second interaction/event that happened that got some sort of a reaction out of me was when I asked a coworker if we were running our break schedule yet and he said yes and I guess told one of the managers and that manager told me that I had to take my breaks. And he said I could take a 15 minute so I walked away half pissed off and took my break. So those were the two instances that got some sort of a reaction out of me the whole day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry with my job, my managers, and myself whenever I am working and haven't gotten a break while everyone else has.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of taking a break while it is my turn out of fear that my boss will react and get angry that I'm taking a break whenever we are busy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that whenever I'm taking a break people are talking behind my back about my 'lack of concern' for the business and other coworkers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my boss getting angry with me for taking a break while we are packed with cars.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of other coworkers getting angry with me for taking a break while we are slammed with cars.

Day 56

So today I went through this whole experience of ‘I hate my life’ ‘I want to die’ ‘everything sucks’ ‘I hate this world’. All kinds of shit. Then I came out of it like magic. I didn’t do anything differently either. The only I did differently was I got some soda and powerade but by the time I got that I had gotten through the nasty part of it. The ‘catalyst’ if you want to call it that was another person at work was harassing me basically taunting me saying that I was ‘gay’ and that I ‘suck dick’ and all kinds of shit of that sort. This essentially sexual harassment was what proceded the whole experience of ‘I hate my life’ ‘I hate the world’ ‘I want to die’. So basically I should report this abuse shouldn’t I? Of course. 

Day 55

Today has really sucked ass. I slept a lot today. I didn’t do any writing the first ‘day’ so to speak and then I went back to sleep so I ended that ‘day’ without any writing. Then I went back to sleep again after sleeping about 3 hours around noon to 2:45. After I went back to sleep the second time after I woke up I could feel a certain energy possessing me extensively to change my whole experience of myself and I didn’t do any writing to stabilize myself until now. I have felt kind of shitty all day and one of the points I have noticed within myself is my desire for something salty. So I've been eating fried chicken on and off today and I notice a change in my consciousness/experience after I eat it or while I'm eating it. I don't know if thats the 'FRIed' part of chicken or what. 

So I am doing much better this evening after doing some basic writing. After I woke up from going to sleep the second time today it was like this whirlwind of shit inside of me but not presenting itself as anything physical or within my environment. It was just like this possession in my mind. And it wasn’t until I did some basic writing that I began to come out of its hold. 

I care about me. I care about myself. I care about my well being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the resistance to writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the resistance to just sitting down and taking some time out of my day to just write even if it is not directed towards ‘points to change’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I will fail in my life no matter where I go or what I participate within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I will fall hard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of letting go of my past and moving on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of writing to ‘change’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of doing what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of changing my relationship towards work and who I am within the workplace. 

Day 54

So today I was fired from my pizza delivery job because I brought a Little Caesar's pizza into the restaurant to eat. The owner/manager said that I "lost my mind" and told me to go home and that he was "done with me". Feels pretty stupid if you ask me.

So today I am writing to assist in stabilizing my mind and body in the exploration of myself as all as one as equal to assist myself in realizing my utmost potential to be able to stand as an example of what is best for all life. It is in this realization that in writing I can be and become an example of life that honors life and do not distort for the sake and the will of a lesser version of me. Within this journey I emerge as the will of life as all as one as equal to be and become the living word as the example of how life should be lived and how life should be honored as all as one as equal. In this journey me as my self expression emerge and show itself for all to see and for all to emulate in the context of the will to be and become an example of how to live and be what is best for all life. Till it is done and no more abuse occur in this existence. All will see and hear that which is best for all life. 

Day 53

Today was an interesting day I would say. I had severe reactions to someone in my reality at the moment. I also experienced a pretty intense deja vu where everything down to the T was exactly the same as how I've experienced it in my consciousness before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own consciousness and where my own consciousness is taking me in this world in this reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of where consciousness is taking me in this world in this reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that if I do not concede to consciousness in its many various dimensions and facets that I will not survive and therefore lose what I have come here to produce and affect.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that if I do not concede to consciousness in its many different forms and personalities that I will be bound by the affect of producing a life that is stranded, alone, without support from this world and this reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that my life will only bear the fruit of the beginning and not the way of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I will only produce a world that is not best for all in my current limited state.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that consciousness will take me on a ride. 

Day 52 - SF

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing my relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of spitefulness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of looking at myself in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of living self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being a part of a group that stands for what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the ego temptation of pornography.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the desire for pornography.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the desire to masturbate to pornography.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the desire to be with someone for sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the desire to be a person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the desire to be in a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the desire to form a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the desire to form a relationship with somebody for sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the desire to form a relationship to feel needed, wanted, and desired by somebody other than myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of getting hurt in a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of hurting someone in a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing Crystal. 

Day 51 - SF

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing my relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of spitefulness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of looking at myself in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of living self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being a part of a group that stands for what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the ego temptation of pornography.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the desire for pornography.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the desire to masturbate to pornography.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the desire to be with someone for sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the desire to be a person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the desire to be in a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the desire to form a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the desire to form a relationship with somebody for sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the desire to form a relationship to feel needed, wanted, and desired by somebody other than myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of getting hurt in a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of hurting someone in a relationship. 

Day 50

Today I got up and I listened to a soundcloud recording by Matti from desteni and it was really cool because just listening to the sound of his voice and the nature of what he was sharing and discussing was really grounding and supportive because it wasn’t emotionally charged – it was all from the starting point of ‘ok heres what I’m dealing with’ ‘so how do I go about changing it or sorting it out’ kind of thing. So that was cool to listen to. I wanna start doing my own investigations of various personalities and/or characters that I know I’m accessing in various moments. 

Day 49 - Agreements Continued..

Things have been better between me and Crystal. We are putting a lot of work in the agreement. I’m working on realigning our vocabulary with that which is best for all within the agreement. However she still feels compelled to use words like ‘love’ and ‘like’ and such to express her contentment or satisfaction within our agreement which I do not feel is necessary vocabulary within the context of what we are walking together. I also see that usage of this vocabulary was from the perspective of reassuring to herself that she is still interested in our agreement and going further with it from the perspective of spending more time together and maybe taking further steps such as living together. And at the very least that she cares about us in some way. 

Day 48 - Sleeping In and Sugar

So today I slept in alot. I woke up at the normal time then went back to sleep and slept for another 4 hours. When I woke up I could feel the mind possession starting a little bit. Things like my mind moving towards sugar. First thought was of getting a powerade. Then going to dunkin donuts to get some coffee and donuts. What is interesting is how these desires were not there at all the first time I woke up this morning only after sleeping another 4 hours. I can see how the mind moves for these things on my days off when I sleep more than usual. What is also interesting is that its more of an impulse than a decision. Its like what I do to feel normal. 

Day 47 - Agreements

So I started an agreement with a woman who lives in my town. We used the term "Agreement" when approaching our relationship and stated the goal "Be with each other. Support each other. And grow together into a forest of life". However there have been ups and downs. And I still have reservations about the relationship and whether it fulfills my desires. And I'm constantly reminded of the past friction and conflict we have had. We had sex early on instead of getting know each other and communicating beforehand. I don't think we stated or used the term 'agreement' before we had sex and we did not state the goal of our 'agreement' before we had sex. That came after. And after we had sex its been one big shit storm after another. We aren't officially 'together' because we don't live together and I still desire other women so much so that I think about leaving her because of it. We've already gone through several emotional episodes where one or the other has almost left.

tbc...

Day 46

Today has been extremely difficult. Sometimes its so difficult I don't know what to do with myself. Whether to destroy everything in my life so that I can start over or not. If I destroyed everything I'd have nothing and would end up probably on the streets or would end up going back to family support which would be just as good as dying. I saw that I haven't posted a blog in a whole week. That probably has a lot to do with how I have felt today. All of my time has been occupied by work and when its not work its occupied by spending time with my girlfriend. We say we are in an agreement but she doesn't live with me so I don't think it is actually. Its actually been quite a nightmare with her so far. I need to refocus my life on writing and blogging more. I need to write a blog everyday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am miserable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as miserable.

I'm so miserable its not even funny. I'm at a loss of what to do at this point. 

Day 45

There was this moment yesterday at work where I was simply just sitting down talking to one of the new employees and another employee came storming over trying to stop me from talking to her because he likes her and is afraid that I’m going to steal her from him. He said ‘you can’t just be sitting down talking bro’. Anyways it kind of pissed me off because yes I was talking but I was also doing work at the same time and there wasn’t really that much else I could have been doing without really only being in the way in the kitchen and there was only a few dishes to be done in the back. 

Day 44

Today was a pretty interesting day. I had this experience of myself that I've had before but haven't experienced in a while. It was like this 'gentleness' within myself where I was quite almost 'timid'.

So today I wake up and I feel like I got drunk last night. It seems like almost every morning lately it feels like that. And the only thing I’ve been doing differently or at the least the point where it changed and it started feeling like that was when I started “dating” Crystal.

There was a moment today whenever I was sitting outside listening to a sound recording by someone from Desteni and I dozed off to sleep. All of the sudden I was awoken by the sound of somebody screaming to the effect of ‘I’m tired. I’m done!’ sounding like the end of a relationship. Then she called 911 saying her mom was having a seizure and that she hit her head or got hit in the head. So I was outside for the duration of the police arriving and the ambulance coming. So that was interesting.  

Day 43

Today I woke up and there is this experience like I'm hungover. Almost every day since I started dating Crystal its felt like this in the morning time. I don't really know what to think about it. Whether that is a good sign or a bad sign? I don't really know what to make of the relationship as a whole because its been non-stop drama since the very beginning or since she made the move of saying we were in a relationship on facebook. Since then its been her battle and life mission to see that I'm not flirting with other women or talking with other women "because we are in a relationship" and "thats not what you do when you're in a relationship". To be honest with myself I gotta say that alot of the things that I'm being accused of are a bit hypocritical. Such as "we are in this together" but yet she's not ready to give up her life for me. "We're in a relationship" but yet she doesn't want to give up her life for me to be with me. She doesn't want to give up her life for me but yet she expects for me to give up my life for her by not talking to other women at all.