Day 160 - Dream Examination and Exploration

I ate at "Duffy's" buffet. There was a woman there that I wanted to get her number or me give her mine. I felt pretty relaxed after leaving there and felt like going to the beach but it wasn't very sunny so I didn't go plus I didn't know where I was going to park my car. Then when I came home I took a nap. I kept dreaming about being in Houston at my dad's old house in Sugarland that I spent alot of time at and lived for several years. In the dream I was going back and forth between I think playing a video game and going outside to play basketball. And also going outside to see Danielle which was a beautiful girl I had a "crush" who lived across the street and I spent alot of time with but I didn't know how to conduct myself with her as far as "making things sexual" which I think is what we both wanted. And during the periods of time that I was staying at my dad's and we had the chance to visit each other, I was releasing all of my sexual energy into pornography and masturbating to pornography. I just didn't or couldn't "conceive" that we could or actually would "be together" and I was afraid that we would "get in trouble" if we were to have sex and that her parents would "not approve of it". And so I "suppressed" all ideas that we would actually end up having sex. Because there was so much fear surrounding it as "what are the consequences" because there was so many factors that were in play - mostly fear that her parents would find out and "not approve". So why did I fear this "outcome" so extensively that we never actually made our relationship physical? Maybe it goes back to when I was 5 or 6 and me and my cousin were "fooling around" and doing sexual things - always in secret because we feared that our parents would "not approve". So within these situations it was like "we must hide it" or "it must be in secret" if we are to "have sex or do anything sexual". So within that were was a sense of shame about what we were doing and that "it wasn't right" - with regards to it being my cousin and with regards to us being children. With regards to Danielle I just didn't know how to conduct myself with her - too much fear was present about our parents "reacting" or "getting angry" or "not approving". So there was just too much fear for there to anything to ahppen as far as sex between me and Danielle. Ultimately she would have been the perfect woman for me moving forward in my life. And I would have been smart to move in with my father earlier on. I could have had a life with Danielle, including all the money and education I would need as a result of living with my father. And then I wouldn't be in the situation of having very little money, a limited education, and struggling to have an effective relationship with a woman as my relationship to my father and the amount of money I have and/or the career I have would be and/or are the biggest factors in determining that as a possibility. So if I had moved in with my dad at an early age or at least whenever or after I visited him and had a sense of "missing" him I would have maybe reaped all of those benefits - the woman, the education, the money, and so on and so forth. And I may have even taken over his insurance business so it would have been even more money. And I could have therefore had a good job making alot of money, a house, a family, and a nice car as well. Thats if I had chosen to live with my father either earlier on in my early childhood or whenever I visited him when i was around 10 years old and had the experience of missing him and longing to be around him at that age. So if I had done that I would be in a much different situation and a much better situation. One with much less uncertainty about 'what is best' and more of a situation where I am living and directing 'what is best' as myself as a living expression of myself. So writing about this makes me wonder how maybe this dynamic of the fear that my parents or their parents will "not approve" may have been and/or still is a factor in how I am conducting and forming my relationships as of the present. Where this fear of forming relationships based on others "approval" may have or be limiting me in conducting and forming the best relationships possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the nature and "how we do things" or "how it forms" when it comes to my intimate relationships.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my relationships not being "approved" by others.