Day 29

A lot of times I have this experience where my mind gets drudgy and I suddenly go into inner darkness where previously I was experiencing myself serene and peaceful and things were bright. Then I go into inner darkness where everything is not so bright and beautiful. So this is all polarity experiences of the mind and not real. A lot of times this darkness feels like a weight upon me – like a weight in my mind – not in my physical body – but within my mind – its heavy – that’s why I used the word ‘drudgy’ because it becomes heavy like a sludge. Before it was more calm, uplifting, serene, and peaceful – like how things are supposed to be. So something happens within my consciousness – its like I go from being peaceful serene to darkness, heaviness, and within that a particular set of misery. And within that experience I find myself ‘having to do things that support’. So for instance I might be writing to support myself. Or reading. Whenever I am calm and stable usually sitting outside smoking is what I will be doing. But within that and doing that while within the heaviness/darkness it just stays the same and nothing changes.

I don’t know what to do. My experience is shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought “this world sucks and will never change”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this world is bullshit’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this world is just pain and suffering’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this world is ego and no life awareness’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this world is just completely programmed so that I will never realize my potential and live the life that I want and deserve to live because everything is programmed to make sure that I never reach my full potential and live the life that I could and should be living’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this world is just full of bullshit’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this world is just full of shit’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I hate life’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I hate reality’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘my life is so dim and shitty’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is so dim and shitty’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is clumsy’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life sucks ass’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is evil’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I am just evil’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is too hard’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is unjust’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is all about money and nobody cares’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is pure hell and tyranny’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is just evil’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘Life just sucks’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life fucking sucks’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life exists as no awareness and no self honesty’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life exists as too much paranoia’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life exists as extensive abuse’.