Day 132

Self honesty

Self honesty as I see it is doing what is best for all in all relationships formed.

Self honesty when it's a particular experience towards something or someone but lingering or suddenly arising a hint of doubt but then ignoring that self honesty because your feeling or experience was different before and you want to go on that experience as a means of doing what is best is not self honesty because the doubt arose and you should have listened to that and made an immediate action that was best in that moment. Ignoring that little piece can have huge consequences. Self honesty is remaining constant and stable with regards to one's relationship to oneself in always doing what is best for all. Also it is not necessarily trusting all the experiences or viewpoints that the mind can give you. Those things by themselves are not substantial proof of an outcome that is best for all. But they can show you what you are allowing within so that you can direct it and become a better version of yourself. Self honesty is also synonymous with self trust because in order to do what is best for all you have to trust yourself including your doubts.

Day 131

I keep feeling like I just need to write, write, and write some more. But I don't know how to be self-honest in my writing. Sometimes I am and my feedback is self-evident in the effects. Other times I seem to ramble on about things that are not necessarily important in that moment - like now there was a pause and I felt it to be rambling.

Other times whenever I focus on my experience of myself - I do better with regards to getting the good feedback that I am being self-honest.
In my self forgiveness I feel like I've gotten to a point where I do self-forgiveness fairly self-honestly. At this stage it will at least pertain to something in my life that I'm dealing, going through, or experiencing that needs direction. I usually write and say out loud. Whenever I'm driving I say out loud.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of consequences for drug use.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing my will, power, and myself within drug use or because of drug use.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my self-potential. 

Day 130

So today Im kind of feeling/experiencing this sort of drought. I say drought because it feels like I am missing something from myself. And also feeling a bit 'hungover' from the kissing and stuff me and C were doing last night.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need cocaine and other drugs to be happy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that drugs are the key to self-realization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of missing out on life's pleasures such as sex, money, and drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of not having the ability, the will, or the capacity to change myself into a version of me that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself with my coworkers at Dominos.

I forgive myself that I have acceptred and allowed myself to suppress myself and my expression with my coworkers at Dominos and Giles.

Day 129

Today was interesting. I sort of experienced myself very differently than usual whever I was in the Orlando airport. It was like being blasted into another universe whenever I walked into the are before security with the superhigh ceilings and sun shining through the windows on the triangular ceilings. So that was different. 

Day 127

So today was ok. I’m trying to get along with my journeyman. And there was a moment today whenever I started to get real emotional after lunch and specifically the point I thought about  that was in congruence with my emotional state was conversely linked or somehow indicative of my intake of high fructose corn syrup. But instead of losing my shit I took some deep breaths. Slowed down. And said ‘I am the sweetness of life as life in me’. So that helped and then I got to doing what I needed to do in my job. I need to take more initiative at work and doing what needs to be done instead of waiting for instructions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get comfortable with and expect my journeyman to tell me what to do and how to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect my journeyman to tell me how to do everything and tell me what steps I need to take in every situation. 

Day 126

Today I’m experiencing myself differently than I have been for quite awhile now. With essentially more stability and therefore more comfort and awareness. Last night after doing dishes at work I noticed a change in how I experienced myself/felt where I was afterwards more stable with more awareness. 

I went back to sleep and slept for a couple more hours. I could feel this sort of ‘fogginess’ within my mind but really I think what it was was a more substantial ‘hold’ or ‘basis’ for the mind to influence me such as the tendency to move in thought was substantiated, the tendency to voice certain things whenever I am feeling ‘irritated’ was substantiated. And essentially to move with and as the mind was substantiated after sleeping the extra couple of hours.

So today I can see that I’m very emotional in a self-victimizing sort of way. Feeling like shit and feeling pissed off and feeling sorry for myself. Fuck.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I hate life. I hate people. I hate the world. Fuck life. Fuck the world. Leave me Alone”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a victim to the world not realizing that everything that I experience is due to my own participation in creating instead of taking directive principle in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a victim to my own experience instead of realizing that I have created my experience up until this point within my own participation within certain fears, thoughts, emotions, and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not responsible for what goes on within my own mind and the thoughts, emotions, feelings, and words that exist within and as me as my relationship to myself and others in my world/reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I am a douchebage’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I am an idiot’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I am stupid’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I am incoherent’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘my life sucks balls’. 

Day 125

This morning I got up and brushed my teeth first thing then made some coffee. And now I’m trying to figure out what I’m going to do the rest of the day. I need to do laundry. And I was going to do some research to see what would be the best pizza places to get a delivery job at.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of going to apply for a different pizza delivery job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to acquire all the information necessary before taking action or making a decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of taking action and putting myself out there before acquiring all ‘necessary information’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of doing the wrong thing and making the wrong decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of not knowing what I should do or what is best in a given moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of going out of my comfort zone to meet new people and establish new relationships/connections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of doing what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of doing what is necessary for me to have the best possible life and experience of myself in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of doing what is necessary for me to support myself financially in this world and have the best possible life. 

Day 124

This evening I’m writing because I’m kind of bored and looking for things to do and I found some time to sit down and do it so here I am writing. Today was ok. I have been drinking a lot of soda this week and have been conversely worried about weight gain as I have noticed that consumption of soft drinks especially one’s filled with HFCS can lead to weight gain and I have noticed that I have gained about 5-6 pounds of fat around my waist which is where I usually notice it first off.

So this evening I’ve experienced a sort of boredom and the desire to go out and do drugs and maybe have sex or get a blowjob from some girl. But I know that that street is not the best one and its expensive which I really don’t have the extra money for right now. Boredom sucks. But I’m trying to occupy my time constructively and do what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be occupied and consumed by the experience of boredom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be concocted into an experience of desire for drugs and sex and “living the fast life”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of repercussions for my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must use drugs in order to acquire sex in some form or fashion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that using drugs is going to help me change myself as a person into a version of me that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that using drugs is going to help me achieve enlightenment or a ‘newfound expression’ that is exemplary of my true expression as life in equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the ‘rush’ or ‘energy high’ from using drugs is exemplary of my true expression in equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must have a ‘rush’ in order to experience something ‘different’ and something ‘outside of my normal realm’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought “I hate my life- I just want to die”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought “Fuck everyone and everything”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘fuck it all. I’m done’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of getting caught using drugs by the police or by the people in my life such as neighbors, coworkers, girlfriends, and family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my own sexual tendencies and desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my desires and sexual tendencies will get me into “hot water” so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of sexuality in all its forms and formations in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that my sexuality is not in accordance with who I am as my true expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life sucks dick’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is too hard’. 

Day 123

I have this inkling to write this evening. Not exactly sure why but I do. And not exactly sure how I am supposed to write but I’m just writing for the benefits of writing so to speak. My reason for writing is because it helps me focus and sort things out within myself. So I do that because it supports me. And its like a different world whenever I write. I don’t know. My writing has very little direction to it. 

Day 122 Drugs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that drugs are worthwhile or something good as like a lifestyle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can realize my utmost potential through drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need drugs and a 'rush' to be happy and content within myself and within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need something outside of myself and my relationships with others to be happy and content in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need others to be happy and content.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that getting high on drugs is cool or laid back or a nice thing to do once in awhile.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that drugs are the key to happiness.

I commit myself to stop using drugs as a means to seek a 'rush' or 'high' outside of myself while not considering that this has consequences and that drugs should only be used as an emergency support or pickup when I am too weak to stand on my own two feet.

I commit myself to stop using drugs as a form of entertainment and 'something to do' and within that always seeking a rush or high that is apparently divine or holy.

I commit myself to stop using drugs as a means to escape facing myself and how my relationships are not in the form of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that drugs are a worthy endeavor to undertake to help realize myself.

I commit myself to stop my apparent addiction to cocaine and anything that may give me this 'rush'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need cocaine in order to develop myself in self honesty not realizing that this is actual self deception and self abuse that yields no long term or even short term benefit outside of experiencing a fleeting and temporary 'rush'.

I commit myself to align my relationships to what is best for all so that I may not be tempted to give into the desires of the mind in experiencing temporary 'rushes'.

I commit myself to care about myself, my body, and my well being and to realize that the temporary highs induced by cocaine or other drugs are not real not actually a part of me and only the mind as consciousness.

I commit myself to realign myself and my goals to what is best for all and realize that using drugs for temporary 'rushes' or ' highs' that are not actually needed as support in a low point but only to achieve 'more' happiness in a fleeting moment is not worth the time, energy, money, and consequences.

Day 121 - Shame

I feel boundless shame for what I have done to the desteni group. I feel like I have not given it my all 100% to bring about what is best for all life. And for this I am shameful. Yes there is / are many obstacles in my way in the form of money, location, family, friends, etc. But the boundless shame is more powerful than those obstacles. I yearn for the connection to the desteni group. I yearn for being an integral part of their community. I yearn to go to the farm, start an agreement with a suitable woman, and grow into a forest of life exploring myself in intimacy truly getting to know myself as my true expression - a super gentle, kind, caring, supportive being that yearns for self - intimacy - yearns for exploring the body - really delving into this intimacy. I can feel it. Its there. I know my true expression lies with a woman who is receptive and also yearns for this too and can feel my true nature. This woman wants to explore her true nature, beingness, and expression too and can feel that I am the perfect compliment - the perfect person to find her self-intimacy and self-love. 

Day 120

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate myself".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate my life"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought " I hate everything".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate women".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate life".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate people".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate people and this world is doomed".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I suck at reality".

I feel like my writing is not self-honest.

I care about myself.
I want what is best for myself.
I care about life.
I want what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the fear of doing what is best for all life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of becoming what is best for all life. 

I commit myself to write a blog daily sharing my self forgiveness and self commitments to see how it will benefit me and change me.

Day 119 Words Create

I care about my life.
I care about who I am.
I care about who I become and am becoming.
I care about life.
I care about all life.
I care about me.
I care about what I create and whether or not it is what is best and I care about what is best.
I care about what is best for all of me.
I care about life in general.

I commit myself to stop all drugs that do not serve the best of all of me.

Day 119

Im experiencing nervousness and anxiety to a certain extent. I experienced myself very interestingly on the way home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of self-honesty as life in awareness.

Day 118

Ok I feel pretty unstable rightnow. I was pretty much on cloud 9 and then I texted a woman which woke her up and she was perturbed by it but denied being perturbed. In the mean time I've been blazing through my stuff one hit after the other feeling pretty unstableas a result or byproduct. But as I write this and make sense of my experience as I stabilize my mind then another hit sounds nice and pleasurable. My breathing has been unstable and inconsistent too like all of the sudden I'll take a gargantuan breath. It is very interesting the effect writing has on self and self-experience and the mind in general. Its like a supreme form of introspection. And I just keep coming back to it because I experience the effects and the results from it all the time. Its like a form of giving to yourself the time and space to just let you out and let go and just express yourself. Thats what I really like about writing because its just me expressing me. It slows everything down. Makes everything clearer. Lets me be honest with myself for once.  

Day 117

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing my life as it is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of missing out on life as it is.

Day 116

Halloween night. Was outside a convenience just sitting there eating and drinking my diet soda and observing people going in and out and observing the people in cars next to me. Some chick kept staring at me like she was interested in me and I finally gave her and this dude she was sitting next to the shrug like what are you staring at kind of shrug. Then I would keep peeping over and she would still be staring at me. Then I looked over to my left and some chick who was Waving was like "are those chips good?" Through the window and I gave her the thumbs up and she gave me the middle finger. I wasn't really sure about the context of that whole interaction/situation like what was appropriate or nota within those conflict ą