Day 99

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of defining, redefining, and living words as my creative power inside and outside myself and this world/existence as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of living words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being honest with me about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of real time change through defining, redefining, and living words. 

Day 98

Last night I went to bed a lot earlier than I wanted to after I got off the phone with my “girlfriend”. Then I woke up at 3:30. Then went back to sleep and woke up an hour later. I can definitely feel the difference from sleeping from 10:30 to 4:30 and/or from the waking up and going back to sleep part as far as the mind is concerned and how much my mind is active vs. not going to bed later and not writing a blog before I went to bed. Needless to say I feel like shit in comparison.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the hypnotic possession in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of how the mind moves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of when the mind moves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of how the mind operates.

I commit myself to learn how the mind functions and operates. 

Day 97

 Today I woke up in semi-misery. Not misery but just like feeling dead and empty inside.

Today has been ok. Not near as bad at work like this past week. Think it has something to do with writing more, posting blogs, and writing in the morning before work.

Today has been fairly cool. I actually got to joke with C alot making sex jokes or euphemism sex jokes. My night sort of ‘lightened up’ a little bit during that period of back and forth texting and especially after some of the scheduled drivers went home. I feel like that was the ‘point’ where things started to change inside of myself. Corresponding with the text messaging, call from my mom, and a lot of the other drivers going home. Not sure exactly the exact point which held prominence with regards to the change in how I was experiencing myself. That’s something I always wonder about because I can predominantly experience myself a certain for several days and/or predominantly experience myself a certain way a whole day or for a couple of hours and then it can all of the sudden change where I am now experiencing myself in a new way that feels better – and in less inner darkness and turmoil. Maybe it had something to do with the banana I ate after I ate some pizza. Maybe it had something to do with how I was expressing myself with others at work or with customers. These are all things that I wonder if they all have an equal role or equal part in how my experience is being created. Because at other times it can make no sense whatsoever as to why or how I experience myself in a certain – usually a very negative experience – or the experience has a very negative connotation – usually ruled by fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this world is doomed’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this world is fucked up’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this world is dumb’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this world is entirely my fault’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this world is entirely ego based’. 

I commit myself to care about my life, my world, this reality, and all the life that exists upon/within it. 

Day 96

Today has been a big pain in my ass. I went surfing which was fun but my chest hurts because my sternum protrudes and hits the board so it bruises. So that part wasn’t fun. Then I went to dunkin donuts with my “girlfriend”. And I wanted to have sex with her but she didn’t because I’m having an outbreak of herpes on my penis. Then I got home and tried to sleep some which didn’t work out too well. And whenever I couldn’t sleep anymore I was in this moment of being ‘stuck’ like I didn’t know what to do next. So I got a shower, shaved my head, and started studying. The studying is quite an arduous task because I’m trying to get it done all in one swoop instead of committing myself to study a little bit each day. And also as far what I should write down and what not to write down in order to move the studying along at a reasonable pace is another challenge posed within my studying. I also listened to a portion of a sermon of my brother’s pastor talking about the broader topic of “difficult people” and the sub-topic of “manipulative people”. This reminded me of my girlfriend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being manipulated by people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that if I am being manipulated then I will accept and choose a lesser version of myself because I will conform to their manipulation instead of what is best for all life as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of manipulation and the outflows/consequences of its acceptance and allowance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that manipulation will hurt me in the short term and the long term.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that if I am accepting and allowing myself to be manipulated then I will be condemned to a lesser version of myself.

I commit myself to study each day for 1 hour for that will allow me to better retain the information within my course.

I commit myself to care about myself and my life.

I commit myself to care about who I am, what I am, where I am, and how I am. 

Day 95

Today I went to work at my electrician job and my pizza delivery job. The most profound things that stand out to me were a couple of things that occurred whenever I was at the pizzas delivery job. I was doing my deliveries and I was singing a sort of song that I had just made up. While singing the song I got these feelings that I have been writing about and have been experiencing for a long time since I was 10 years old as earlier as I can remember experiencing these feelings. Afterwards I felt absolutely terrible, miserable, devastated, the whole lot of emotions that I go through whenever I experience these feelings – always afterwards. So within that experience I was completely and utterly miserable. So I decided to just fold boxes to keep myself focused on something and occupied. Afterwards I went on a delivery and still in the midst of all those emotions I didn’t know exactly how to handle it so I started saying self forgiveness out loud. “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate life”. “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as miserable”. “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will never get through misery and suffering”. “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought “I am miserable and suffering”. “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of misery and suffering to overpower who I am as life”. Some of those statements I just added in but the first few I said out loud while in the car on a delivery. As I was arriving back to the store I noticed an immediate change in myself where I could continue on without being in such a perpetual state of being miserable and therefore suffering inside of myself. Later on I did more forgiveness. “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about life”. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing myself into a version of me that cares about life and respects life – a version of me that is best for all”.

I commit myself to be careful about my exposure to certain music and even singing music in familiar tones that would invoke or provoke these feelings within me that so clearly send me into undesirable emotional states.

I commit myself to practice self forgiveness out loud to see how I can benefit and change as a result.

I commit myself to be aware of the words and the vocabulary that defines and exhibits certain emotional imbalances so that I can see the essence or the words that I am dealing with regarding these experiences of emotional imbalances.

I commit myself to care about life in all forms equally.

I commit myself to care about myself, my life, my well being, and my utmost untapped potential. 

Day 94

Today I had a really good day on the job training to become a licensed electrician. I really enjoyed the work, it was hot, it was hard work, and very physically demanding which I enjoy. I actually learned a lot my first day and really jumped in there hands on to get the tasks I was assigned completed. I didn’t really have an emotional reactions or experiences at work because when you’re working with your hands and doing manual labor you really don’t have time for it – you have to be efficient in what you do and get in there and do it – the mind takes a backburner big time. Overall your physicality takes over and you just go with it doing each task as they are assigned or needed to be done. I did however have some ‘disturbing’ thoughts sometimes throughout the day and then especially after I left the jobsite. It was like this ‘paranoia’ or ‘homophobia’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in paranoia about others thinking or believing that I am gay.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that others think or perceive me as being gay.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of homosexuality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and participate within homophobia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within homophobia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the concept or idea that I am homosexual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that I am homosexual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire men.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have sex with men.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire penises.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire male genitalia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as bisexual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being bisexual is cool or appealing to the opposite sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being bisexual is a real form of sexuality or sexual expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be bisexual.

I commit myself to stop my desire for male to male sexuality.

I commit myself to stop my fear of male to male sexuality.

I commit myself to stop my thoughts of being with a male.  

Day 93

So today I had this period in the morning where I went into this experience where I was having thoughts/backchats incessantly about the people I work with, my current job, and then it branched out to the world in general.

So the nature of the thoughts was like really nasty stuff like ‘I hate this place’, ‘so glad I’m leaving this place’, ‘I hate all the people I work with – their all abusers’. All kinds of shit of the like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I hate all the people I work with because they are all abusers’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I hate my job, my coworkers, and my boss because they are all dishonest people with no self-will and self-integrity’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I hate all of life because it is all a lie and all bullshit with none of it real whatsoever’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is all just a fallacy’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is bullshit’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is a chaotic hell-hole with no self-honest people willing to change themselves and therefore the system as a whole’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is an egotistical mess with no self-integrity and no self-honesty’. 

Day 92

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of living dangerously.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being in an agreement with somebody.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being a good person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of living my self expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of living self-expression in self honesty.

I commit myself to live myself within self honesty.
I commit myself to live my self-expression within self-honesty.

Day 91

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate my life, I hate C, I hate everything".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate everything about C".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate everything about my relationship to/towards C".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate myself for allowing C into my life as a relationship".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate my life with C".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate my existence within and as relationship with C".
I commit myself to care about my relationship to/towards C in the context/form of what is best for all.
I commit myself to form my agreements/interactions with her according to what is best for all.

DAY 90

So today I had this experience where I was at home in my rv doing my studying and I was having trouble concentrating on the lesson material. I had planned to go to a couple places or call them to follow up on some job applications. Because I was having trouble concentrating I decided to go to the store to get a 5 Hour Energy thinking it was going to help me concentrate better. My experience on the way to the store was calm, cool, collected. I could feel my body almost in a way that I've never felt before and/or am not used to. I don't know if that's because of all the good sex I got the night before or if it was just indication that I was doing the right thing at the moment by getting out of the house and going to the store (maybe not necessarily for the reason that got me to get out and go the store however). So I went to the store sort of in a mental experience where I was semi-frustrated that I couldn't concentrate like I wanted to. But my physical body was telling me something different by way of how I was experiencing my body getting out of the house and going somewhere. So it was almost like in my mind I was experiencing a certain thing and expecting it to continue as if my mind experience embodied or accompanied my entire physical experience all the time - but like I said the physical was revealing something different than what I expected to experience - my body was feeling nourished by way of getting in the car and going somewhere. So in my mind it was almost like 'I can't let go of me!' as in my physical experience was changing but yet in my mind I wanted to 'hold on' to my mental experience of being frustrated and semi-pissed off because I wasn't moving through my lesson material like I wanted to or 'should be'. So in my mind I was 'going to the store to get a 5 hour energy' and my body was telling me 'I'm glad you just got in the car and went somewhere'. So interestingly enough my body was feeling nourished - but in my mind the actual mental experience of being pissed off and frustrated was actually sort of fading or diminishing like my total physical experience was overpowering my mind experience or pushing it to the backburner. But in my mind I was like 'oh no! must not let go of this frustration and anger and being pissed off!'. So I went to the store kind of semi holding onto my mind experience because after all 'thats what got me out of the house' was 'i need a five hour energy' so I was on the mission to fulfill this 'want' or so called 'need'. So I got the 5 hour energy and drank it afterwards like I usually do. And right after that was when the mind experience sort of 'took over' and I could feel the sort of 'rush' that was going through me like my neck and chest all of the sudden got tighter. And whenever I left I decided to go to another store to get more 5 Hour Energy for cheaper because I spent more than I wanted on the ones I just got. And whenever I saw the store it was like a quantum physical leap in my experience - all of the sudden I was completely 'pissed off' and my face was in complete 'mean mug' mode and so now my body encompassed this mind experience all in one leap whenever I saw the store I was going to. Almost as if the store itself and/or potentially my quantum physical relationship to that store activated this entire personality and it was in full head on mode from there on until I went home. I was in mean mug mode the entire time I was driving to the other places looking for the locations that I was seeking but didn't have my phone/gps to get there. The only point where it stopped for a moment was when I went into Papa John's to follow up on one of my job applications. So it was like that all the way until I finally got home and when I got home I took some breaths and chilled out and I was fine - the entire experience/bubble was like bursted all in one fell sweep of arriving home.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into mean mug mode and completely pissed off because I see a corner store/convenience store I've been to before. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my 'mean mug' and 'completely pissed off' personality or 'state' was in fact a real experience instead of seeing it as a mind experience. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of how people perceive me whenever I am 'pissed off' or 'looking for attention'. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek attention from others from states of being 'pissed off' so that within that I am like 'look at me! I am pissed off right now!'. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek attention from physical deliberations that are declarations of being 'pissed off'. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek attention from others and especially females for my states of 'being pissed off' and 'hating everything'. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anything emotional used to gain attention is anything resembling real self-expression. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a moment overcome with anger and hold onto that anger for several minutes even an entire half hour. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto anger experiences whenever I see that doing so is only causing me headaches in the future. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'I hate the world and everyone in it'. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'this world sucks ass'. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'i hate everything'.

Day 89

So today I have been contemplating how to 'direct' and 'deal with' this point of where I'm sharing things on facebook about people being brainwashed - and specifically the point of people sort of coming out of nowhere particularly one individual who commented on several of my posts saying what I was sharing was 'hogwash' and 'crap'. Basically this individual nullifying what I'm posting as illegitimate and that I must accept 'his way'. Within that basically confirming that he is in fact brainwashed. So within myself I basically wanted to say 'youre a fuckin asswipe' 'get off your soapbox idiot' 'what a fucking idiot' 'what a fucking moron' 'fuck you asswipe'. All kinds of things to sort of defend myself and nullify his point of view. Within this in my mind I was looking at how he exists as some sort of an existenial part or reflection of something within me that I need to direct and take responsibility for. So here I will do forgiveness on his part.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fury and anger to anybody that would question my point of view to the point of trying to degrade or nullify their point of view.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to those who confirm brainwashing actually exists.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to those who would like to nullify my point of view, question my intelligence as a human being, and try and convert me to their lesser form of brainwashing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to those who abuse me because they cannot handle the truth of themselves and this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to those who would like to abuse me because it is in their prerogative.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to those who would like to destroy my point of view and confirm their own brainwashing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse people in self interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others whenever they present something that would question my point of view and/or present something that would confirm my brainwashing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear as it pertains to any piece of information that would disclose that I am in fact brainwashed and cannot help myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of letting go of the fear of brainwashing so that I can see the reality of brainwashing, how it exists, and how it functions in the minds of people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of letting go of my brainwashing so that I can see what it means to me and what it represents.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of brainwashed people/abusers.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being brainwashed and what it means to be brainwashed and how the mechanics of brainwashing occur and exist for all life on earth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being the point which exists for other people to see the truth of who we are as people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of people who question this world and the brainwashing that exists.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the patterns that arise in the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the relationships that I have formed with people in my own mind instead of in reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I am brainwashed and pre-programmed.
I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed the fear of the nature of how brainwashing exists today and for what reasons.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of abusing people who abuse people that stand for what is best for all. 

Day 88

I feel terrible tonight. I’m trying to ground myself and stabilize myself because I’m going through so much emotional shit tonight.

I care about myself. I care about my life. I care about who I am. I care about who I am becoming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘my life is fucked and I am doomed eternally’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is all about love’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is hell’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life fucking sucks ass’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is bullshit covered with pretty colors’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is an evil bitch’. 

Day 87 - Fallacy of Love

Don't trust 'love'. Don't trust any feeling. All lies. 'Love' has to be the living proof that you are standing as an example of what is best for all or else it is fallacy. Of course if you support those that stands for this and you call it 'love' then so be it. But your support must reflect the same goal in at least acknowledging and getting to know the mechanics of how you are brainwashed. Watch the 'Century of the Self' to get to know how you are brainwashed and how you must seek 'love' and 'happiness' because the brainwashers implanted the feeling of lack and offered the solution in the form of 'love' and 'happiness' which they connected to products so that they could make money. Study desteni and enroll in DIP Lite. Yes we will brainwash you into a version of you that is best for all so that we can together stop the madness of the mind and consumerism so that all may live a dignified life. Not an easy road ahead. Be prepared.