So today I went to the outlet mall just to kill time and I had the itch to buy something and look at shoes/clothes. I was going to Marshalls but then I decided to check out the new outlet mall. So everything was fairly stable throughout the day until after I ate lunch I literally was like immediately whopped with this immense tiredness like suddenly bizarrely and it made no sense. And the other weird thing is that me now coming to this blog and writing this blog I realize its been three days - and within that I had sort of made it a goal to start blogging everyday. And within this experience it was almost like a 'time loop' where literally it feels like 'where was I within those three days? - to not do what has been the most supportive thing to me which is blogging?". So whenever I got home I still sort of had this whopping tiredness so I ended up sleeping a good portion of the afternoon away and whenever I woke up I had this feeling of doom like 'something's not right'. So then I started doing a bunch of self-forgiveness and eventually was gravitated to write this blog because it felt like 'what I had to do for myself'.
I've been so uncertain within the context of the intimate relationships that I have formed. The main relationship that I was in and have been in the past year showed signs of abuse and neglect which led me to start questioning the entire starting point for the relationship and whether or not it was ever going to work. Unfortunately before ending that one properly I invited another woman into my life which has created a whole other host of issues regarding the ego, jealousy, and spitefulness which has made my everyday life much more complicated - and less easy to discern 'ok this is what is best' and 'yes you need to do this in this moment'. I think that so much confusion was created in the relationship because I did not have the foresight to see that I was not going to be satisfied with the arrangement - and the 'agreement' that I tried to make with this person was not ever actually honored because we never even moved in with each other - and we honestly didn't even spend that many nights together maybe 3 in a year - and I think that is because she did not understand the context or the arrangement or even the concept of 'an agreement' - and I think thats because she could only think of things in terms of 'dating, relationship, marriage'. Which I did not like because that put all the power in her hands. And if I was going to fulfill the desire of getting married - she could get all cold feet or uncertain - or use her uncertainty or some excuse as another form of justifciation for why it shouldn't happen which was in essence pretty much the only way it could have formed and functioned properly according to the paradigm that she understood.
I've been so uncertain within the context of the intimate relationships that I have formed. The main relationship that I was in and have been in the past year showed signs of abuse and neglect which led me to start questioning the entire starting point for the relationship and whether or not it was ever going to work. Unfortunately before ending that one properly I invited another woman into my life which has created a whole other host of issues regarding the ego, jealousy, and spitefulness which has made my everyday life much more complicated - and less easy to discern 'ok this is what is best' and 'yes you need to do this in this moment'. I think that so much confusion was created in the relationship because I did not have the foresight to see that I was not going to be satisfied with the arrangement - and the 'agreement' that I tried to make with this person was not ever actually honored because we never even moved in with each other - and we honestly didn't even spend that many nights together maybe 3 in a year - and I think that is because she did not understand the context or the arrangement or even the concept of 'an agreement' - and I think thats because she could only think of things in terms of 'dating, relationship, marriage'. Which I did not like because that put all the power in her hands. And if I was going to fulfill the desire of getting married - she could get all cold feet or uncertain - or use her uncertainty or some excuse as another form of justifciation for why it shouldn't happen which was in essence pretty much the only way it could have formed and functioned properly according to the paradigm that she understood.
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