Monday, January 30, 2017

Day 149

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what is best for all and the desteni group.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the desteni group as 'bad' and 'not what is best for me or all'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for participating within desteni and using the tools and the information.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'desteni does not care about me'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'I do not care about desteni'.

So today I'm like super in my mind and its almost like every thought I have so easily manipulates me and every emotional reaction that happens in my mind and/or every thought that goes through my mind seems so 'powerful' and feels like it has 'possession' of me. I'm getting really tired of this world and the systems in this world. I want something different. I want something more. I'm tired of the world.

I commit myself to try and do something that would be best for all.
I commit myself to try and live in a way that is not being dishonest with myself.
I commit myself to try and stop my possession.
I commit myself to stop my demons.
I commit myself to stop my bullshit. 

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Day 148 Lamp

I noticed I started feeling a little panicky and anxious just a moment ago. There’s something very calming about the arrangement of my desk and the lamp that is on it that is helping me remain calm and stable. It was one of those moments where one thing leads to the next, you react, and then react to the next thing and the next thing – and things are not going your way – and you’re feeling anxious anyway so you feel like you ‘need’ ‘this’ and ‘that’ and ‘this’ and ‘that’ are not as you expected or planned so then you get all panicky. And really the entire evening I have been fairly calm and I would pass the desk with the lamp and it would calm me. And really throughout the entire evening this has been the only point of calm within myself – the soothing tone of the lamp on the desk. Being fairly stable already but then the lamp keeps coming back to calm. And also the plants arranged near the lamp as well. Its like just sitting here in this arrangement on the computer typing this is is exactly where I need to be and most calming and stabilizing thing for me in this moment. 

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Day 147 - Which Drugs are Which

So the illegality of street drugs illicits the assertion and also plainly stated/claimed that they have no medical value. Of course when you talk about medical value you're talking about the mind and body which deals with issues such as pain, discomfort, disease and then as well mental aspects of the human condition including stress, anxiety, depression, phobias, paranoia, and PTSD.

Now this illicit or explicit claim that the street drugs have no medical value is simply false. The reason behind this abuse is paranoia regarding the abuse of drugs as well as vested interests in its illegality obviously primarily regarding  profit and control.

If I were to analyze the big drugs sold on the streets it's easy to come up with a pharmacological use and basis for the existence of these drugs.

Cocaine - a triple reuptake inhibitor involving serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. This in all practical sentiment would be considered an antidepressant considering many antidepressants have the same pharmacological action in the brain but I would argue not near as effective.

Methamphetamine - actually chemically and pharmacologicaly identical to the drug "adderall" prescribed to people apparently lacking focus with a deficit in attention span. Also I would argue that this in all practical estimates is an antipsychotic due to its action of blocking dopamine in the brain - the overload of which is the primary cause of conditions such as schizophrenia.

Then you have heroin - heroin being an opiate with obvious use as a painkiller. Opiates can have other beneficial effects when it comes to mental well being as far as being able to relax and also releasing pleasure chemicals in a balanced way for enhanced well being for a moment.

Then you have molly, lsd, and ecstasy(sometimes being a combo of drugs with molly). These drugs can be good for PTSD and getting past mental traumas and past fixations involving traumatic or life changing events that one has trouble letting go of.

There is however one drug on the streets that I see as having very limited capabilities as far as being beneficiary and that is crack. Due to its addictive nature along with its potential for blasting too many chemicals in the brain at once at essentially an imbalance - such as flooding the brain with dopamine - with no pharmacological balancing properties - this can be dangerous for on setting paranoia and or even developing conditions such as schitzophrenia.

Marijuana. I would argue that Marijuana is more of a detriment than a benefit. But many have seen the benefits of it. I would argue that it is not as safe to use as many would claim. Definitely a drug that can enhance mental problems rather than help or cure them.

You'll never hear this type of point of view or information because the ones that know have a vested self interest in not letting anybody know because their entire career is based on upholding common nomenclatures surrounding drugs which gives him/her the title of superior drug dealer. And also they must abide by the laws and their not going to tell you that doing something against the law is a good idea. I mean like it's a catch 22 and their like literally fucked. And they keep fucking their patients left and right. They would actually serve better as literal prostitutes in most cases.

Final note: all drugs usually have a pharmacological basis and use. The point of the post is not to advertise benefits of drugs but to show the corruption behind our laws as there in fact are benefits from the selected use of drugs. Obviously drug addiction and drug abuse is an issue of self will and self control. Many of the dangers of drugs are overstated and veiled with a perception of hysteria regarding these two factors. However the existence of these two factors does not warrant assertions that 'these drugs have no medical value'. It is important we make a distinction between the abuse of drugs and whether or not these drugs objectively have any medical value. Millions of pain medications are abused or used without prescription every day but these cases do not warrant their eradication as drugs of no value. The point is the same goes for many of the illegal drugs. Substances like alcohol are widely available and prevalent within society but yet is abused extensively and has shown to be a perpetrator or contributing factor to many cases of abuse and crimes but yet it is still legal due to its popularity. The point is that just because something is illegal does not mean it should be and vice versa. The point of this post is to approach social problems and issues within self honesty in realizing the actual dynamics and problems within current accepted norms of society - and realizing that the actual accepted norms of society are not always truthful nor benevolent in their aims - and that the objective mind can examine topics such as this and find that other agendas besides the good of the people are at play in the for instance illegalization of drugs that retain medical value.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Day 145 - Relaxation

Today I've been super relaxed and go with the flow of things which I like and prefer rather than being on edge and stressed all the time. 

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Day 144 - Influences

So today I'm sort of trying to muster up a blog because I know that when I write I'm much better off. But sometimes its not 'easy' like whenever I have company and there's a constant distraction in the form of that company but yet I need to get it done and write. But the past two days have been much more clear and precise and not so drowned out with fear and paranoia since I remembered to blog again. 

Day 143 - Sleep and Tiredness

This morning I woke up and got a shower and all that stuff. But as soon as I sat down on my couch with the intention of doing some writing I immediately went into this immense tiredness where it felt almost impossible to sit there and write self-forgiveness without falling asleep. This kind of experience is bizarre to me because I'm not used to it and haven't really had this experience of being so immensely tired especially after a full nights sleep for a long time. Within the last year the only times where I've had this immense tiredness and dozing off/falling asleep was whenever I was getting up really early and doing physical labor all day wherein within that I was dozing off and falling asleep in the mornings on the way to work - as if it was something about the drive that hypnotized me and put me in a state of falling asleep easily - and the same went for the drive home. One of the things that may have contributed to it this morning may have been that I didn't have my window blinds open so it was still dim inside and maybe I needed the light to keep me awake. But nonetheless I find it sort of bizarre that I could have a full nights sleep and then be struck with this sleepiness and tiredness upon sitting down on the couch. I guess it may have something to do with how I have programmed my body and sleeping patterns as of recently. I'll try to come back to this blog and do some SF on these points. 

Day 142 - Confusion and Uncertainty

It seems like nothing I do is working or getting me where I want to be. I pretty much just want to have a normal existence. I want to go to work, come home, fuck my wife, and go to bed. And thats pretty much it. I'm so tired of being stressed out. I'm so tired of dealing with the games of relationships and dating. 

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Day 141 - Uncertainty and Mind Experiences

So today I went to the outlet mall just to kill time and I had the itch to buy something and look at shoes/clothes. I was going to Marshalls but then I decided to check out the new outlet mall. So everything was fairly stable throughout the day until after I ate lunch I literally was like immediately whopped with this immense tiredness like suddenly bizarrely and it made no sense. And the other weird thing is that me now coming to this blog and writing this blog I realize its been three days - and within that I had sort of made it a goal to start blogging everyday. And within this experience it was almost like a 'time loop' where literally it feels like 'where was I within those three days? - to not do what has been the most supportive thing to me which is blogging?". So whenever I got home I still sort of had this whopping tiredness so I ended up sleeping a good portion of the afternoon away and whenever I woke up I had this feeling of doom like 'something's not right'. So then I started doing a bunch of self-forgiveness and eventually was gravitated to write this blog because it felt like 'what I had to do for myself'.

I've been so uncertain within the context of the intimate relationships that I have formed. The main relationship that I was in and have been in the past year showed signs of abuse and neglect which led me to start questioning the entire starting point for the relationship and whether or not it was ever going to work. Unfortunately before ending that one properly I invited another woman into my life which has created a whole other host of issues regarding the ego, jealousy, and spitefulness which has made my everyday life much more complicated - and less easy to discern 'ok this is what is best' and 'yes you need to do this in this moment'. I think that so much confusion was created in the relationship because I did not have the foresight to see that I was not going to be satisfied with the arrangement - and the 'agreement' that I tried to make with this person was not ever actually honored because we never even moved in with each other - and we honestly didn't even spend that many nights together maybe 3 in a year - and I think that is because she did not understand the context or the arrangement or even the concept of 'an agreement' - and I think thats because she could only think of things in terms of 'dating, relationship, marriage'. Which I did not like because that put all the power in her hands. And if I was going to fulfill the desire of getting married - she could get all cold feet or uncertain - or use her uncertainty or some excuse as another form of justifciation for why it shouldn't happen which was in essence pretty much the only way it could have formed and functioned properly according to the paradigm that she understood.



Saturday, January 14, 2017

Day 140 SF

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowedthe fear of creating intimacy and connection with people and/or in an intimate relationship.

I forgive myself that i have accepte dand allowed the fear of being in an intimate and committed relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of putting myself in situations that I may be uncomfortable in,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of doing something I have resistance to doing,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of doing what is best for all.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the fear of my own demise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of taking self-responsibility for my life and my mind paradigm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of creating /forming relationships in this world in the image and likeness of what is best for all and what is self-honest.

I commit myself to stop my fear and paranoia.
I commit myself to get to self-honesty.
I commit myself to redesign myself as the authority of/as myself that takes responsibility for self and does what is best for all as self. 

Friday, January 13, 2017

Day 139 - Con Artists

So I've had several dealings with con artists and it makes you feel so shitty whenever they do it and makes you so angry because they win out on money that you probably shouldn't be spending anyways but they getcha. It just feels so shitty to just throw money down the toilet like that. 

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Day 138 - Today and Effects of Blogging

So today was actually a pretty decent day. I've sort of made it a point within my mind that I need to start blogging daily as the best medicine. I don't know what it is but it seems like the days after I blog I'm always better off than when I don't. Now another point within this 'blogging daily' is that I do notice and see the benefits but whenever I make it into this nazi regimen I get turned off by the idea - and/or it doesn't help as much and/or I eventually stop blogging for awhile because I feel exhausted from 'needing to blog no matter what'.

So today I noticed that I wasn't in so much fear and darkness...I mean that has been pretty much my norm ever since I was about 17. Of course it hasn't all been fear and darkness since then and mostly my self-study, writing, self-forgiveness, and self-movement have been the points that I have lifted me out of the inner darkness to a certain extent.

But really I have noticed a change in myself just in day and what I did differently was write two blogs. I always notice a change in myself after blogging. And the times where I don't blog I usually will write in my notebook and/or I'll make up excuses for why I shouldn't blog that day - like 'its too late' - 'I shouldn't post this kind of stuff on the internet' 'this is too personal', etc. And of course some of that does have some validation but I guess the point being 'is this beneficial' and 'am I hiding from the world by just writing in my notebook and not just getting on blog first and writing there'.  

Day 135 "The Raging Pussy"

So when I was a child my dad used to tell me about sex, women, and all those sorts of things. He would frequently refer to women within the phrase "the raging pussy" and he would describe the "raging pussy" as an ailment or condition all women must go through and deal with on a monthly basis. Now in my experience as a young man and my own due-diligence and research as to what makes a woman tick I have started to see a little bit about what he was actually talking about. He referred to it as a time once a month around menstruation that women go through. Now within my own experience and research as to 'what are the times that women are most fertile - and when do women suddenly, unexpectedly give me attention' I found that women were much more 'frisky' if you will around the time of month where the moon is more full. So I basically deduced from knowledge and information that if the 'moon' represented 'feminine energy' and along with the folklore of 'wolves being more active on a full moon' then the full moon was somehow significant with regards to women and this 'feminine energy'. Now what is the grand purpose of all organisms is to 'orgasm'. And generally its 'common sense' that 'sex' is 'a big deal' to people. So taking into account that the moon represents 'feminine energy' and 'sex is whats on people's minds' and physiologically women go through a period 'once a month' where they 'menstruate' and are perhaps 'more fertile' in the period leading up to the menstruation then the moon has 'something to do with female sexual activity and/or breeding/copulating'. So common sense would deduce that if the full moon has any significance with regards to female reproduction then it would denote a common sensical deduction that the full moon signifies heightened sexual activity and/or reproduction.

So I took that information and I started observing. But mostly I wanted to figure out 'why are women looking at me now and one month ago or two weeks ago I couldn't get one to be interested in me to save my life'. So I took my theory about the full moon, heightened sexual activity, promiscuity, and/or reproduction/menstruation to the test by observing and correlating women behavior with the onset or the eve of full moons. I found that I was basically pretty spot on. Women behave differently and much more favorably to random men and/or 'attractive men' (such as me) during the period in and around the full moon. And what do all heterosexual women have in common - they don't have an interest in 'making friends' with men - I mean thats why getting 'friend zoned' - is perceived as a negative thing in all relationships between men and women because it denotes that 'one is not interested in fucking the other' - and since men are usually much more despotic and desperate when it comes to sexuality - the 'friend zone' is usually passed on to the man. So the reasoning behind mentioning the point about 'friends' is that if a woman suddenly is giving you attention - there is no other agenda behind that attention but to copulate - if its for 'friends' then it yields some sort of agenda of 'maybe down the line we will be fucking' or 'maybe down the line we will have a relationship and be fucking' and/or 'maybe if we are friends first then our relationship of fucking will be more successful and/or lead to marriage'.

Of course marriage and children being the ultimate goal with what the woman sees or perceives to be 'a fit partner in life'. Obviously within that genes play a significant role but also even more importantly is  the man's ability to make money - and/or 'how much money he already has'. That's simply because of our agreement as human beings of 'we use money to do everything' and 'the more money you have - the more abilities you have to do things - and the more security you have - yielding 'surplus money' meaning 'surplus security' which translates for a woman into 'low stress' - and 'kids are well taken care of' .

Now as a man I have to admit that for a good long time and somewhat still but significantly less now than just two years ago - I resented women for this whole dynamic not realizing that women are simply operating within the current 'paradigm' - not necessarily trying to change 'the paradigm' because simply 'theres no time to do that' - 'we must fornicate, copulate, marry, and secure our children's future' . 'There's no time to change the paradigm'. 'Changing the paradigm' would 'changing our nature' and within 'changing our nature' then 'who would we be?'. And within 'changing the paradigm' we would be 'rebelling against our own self-interest' which could mean resorting to despotic things and acts of desperation just to have some sort of self worth - essentially 'going against our own happiness and well being simply because we don't like who we are and/or the entire paradigm in which we exist'. So essentially 'theres no time for that' and 'we would be stupid to go against our own programming' because if you were to do so 'then you would be cast out - meaningless, worthless, and basically a 'whore' to passing men'. So within this and from the man's perspective there is the complete understanding that all women are essentially 'prostitutes' if and when they choose a man on anything to do with having money or the abilities to make more money and/or connections with people that could lead to a higher income. That is self-explanatory. But yet the 'problem' being the 'agreements' between people that one must accumulate money in order to live and exist in this world. That being the 'agreement' with the most significance and impact and not necessarily 'woman's choice of man based on money' because according to the worldwide agreement between people 'money is the most important thing in the world as far as to do with anything to do with functioning and living in this world system'.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to 'hate' women and resent women for choosing men based on how much money they have.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate and resent women for only considering men and a 'future' with a man based on his abilities to make money and/or how much money he already has.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how females perceive me as a potential mate according to how much money I already have.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define women according to and as prostitutes as I know that if I had alot of money - the amount of women that would be attracted to me would plentiful and I would basically 'choose' who I would marry according to my own standards of what I wanted in a female.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that if I do not marry the woman thats been in my life the longest then I will not be deemed worthy or acceptable to women ever again.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the thought 'women are basically naturally just prostitutes as the status and level of money is the most significant bearing on a woman's choice of a man'. 

Day 137 - The Key of Self-Honesty and Self-Forgiveness

The key to life is self-honesty and self-forgiveness. The key to my well being is self-honesty.
It is very simple.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my nature of who I am and have become as and within the mind consciousness system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my own nature and fear of my own judgment of my own nature.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the key of self-honesty and self-forgiveness as life here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of living in fear and self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my own nature as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the judgment of myself for what I have accepted and allowed within my world, reality, relationships, and within self.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Day 136 The Authority Of My Life

I've got to be the authority in my life. No one else can do it for me. I have to take that responsibility - the responsibility of becoming my own authority in my life. Its up to me. I have to take responsibility for myself.

I commit myself to be and live the utmost authority over me.
I commit myself to be and become the utmost authority in my life.
I commit myself to change myself through becoming the utmost authority in my life. 

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Day 134

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my own preprogrammed design as paranoid and paranoia.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of paranoia.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the mind consciousness system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my own mind consciousness system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my own mind.

I commit myself to getting to know and understand/comprehend the mechanics of how the mind works.