Day 182

SF on Suppressions regarding event with older woman standing outside of gas station. Had immense attraction and then suppressed it with regards to showing the attraction, expressing the attraction in some way – most obvious way since she was older was to be straightforward about attraction and/or even desire to have sex at some point. And then that was it – and I think that it was so obvious in the entirety of that whole moment where the women actually reacted to me or said something with regards to how I suppressed the whole thing.  Afterwards whenever I came out of the store and got back in the car – I started to feel/experience this feeling of being really self-conscious. After that feeling I started to reminisce of the event with the suppression with the older woman. Within this looking back at it – there was this feeling of absolute regret, disgust, and torment. Like I was just terrorizing myself by following that suppression. And after starting to experience the self-consciousness – and then reminiscing the suppression with the older woman – the suppression with the older woman became very significant and big within my mind – whereas before, during, and after the event with the suppression – it was ‘no big deal’ – ‘just a little suppression’ – and ‘its cute that I look like I’m shy’ – ‘they think I’m cuter because I was acting shy whenever I shouldn’t be at all’ – ‘I’m improving their image of men by not acting like such a dog in their presence – instead acting quiet, shy, and reserved – ‘acting shy indicates that I am not abusive and that I’m basically a good man’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have anything to gain as far as how women see me by being shy, acting shy, or being reserved, subtle, and quiet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must suppress my interactions and attractions to females in my immediate environment in a way because if I do not then they will likely may feel harassed, uncomfortable, and or react emotionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stifle and suppress my interactions with women – whereas within my suppression I am unable to express the point clearly with regards to the relevance regarding where I stand within that moment as far as my attraction to the female.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stifle and suppress my attraction to a female and the outflows/expressions as a result of this attraction regarding what I would say or do if I did not let fear get in the way –and suppression win.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my stiflement and suppression of my attraction to females and/or my expression of attraction towards any particular females in my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my suppression I am dealing with within my mind .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is ‘ok, not harmful, or not abusive’ by acting shy or letting shyness play any role within my pursuit and attraction of a woman.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my suppression of my expression with females that would be in the image and likeness of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the suppression of any existing idea or emotion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the idea and belief that by acting shy ‘I am going to get a girl’s attention because she likes the deception I am using because it is the same as what she uses’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the