Today was ok. I went to see a friend last night and somewhere along the way she asked me what music I listened to. So I started sharing some of the music I "like" and have been listening to lately. She seemed offput by my music tastes to the point of saying my music was "weird". Afterwards I felt really uncomfortable to the point of wanting to leave but I sort of suppressed that and gave in to her pleads to stay. Today we were together as I ended up staying and I sort of helped her get a car mostly because I've known her for so long. I didn't feel all that good about 'helping' her but I did anyway and overall the day wasn't too bad. But I didn't feel "good" about "the change" I experienced while spending time with her. It was almost as if she couldn't accept or handle this "new me" that she was faced with since it has been over a year since we last saw each other. And in a way I experienced this doubt that she wasn't able to accept me as who I am and who I've become and who I am becoming. Almost as if she feared the 'realm of mystery' surrounding 'the new me' instead of having the old mental picture of me reinforced in her mind. In a way this felt uneasy and almost felt like 'I couldn't be me' because 'she wouldn't know who I was' or 'know how to handle it'. I guess this is the nature of 'reconnecting' to 'people of the past' who have the 'image of me - in the past' still within their minds as 'who I am'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'people from my past' will instantaneously accept and embrace any change that I have undergone throughout the months and the years.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'people from my past' 'know me more' or 'know the real me' because they've 'known me longer'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'J hates the new me and despises me in general because I wasn't there for over the last few years'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I am incapable of loving or being loved".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I am incapable of physically effective and supportive relationships and agreements".
I commit myself to let the past be the past and move on with my life.
I commit myself to not let people from the past reinvigorate an old idea of myself and sabotage my new self expression.
I commit myself to start a new life and be done with the past failures and hurts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'people from my past' will instantaneously accept and embrace any change that I have undergone throughout the months and the years.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'people from my past' 'know me more' or 'know the real me' because they've 'known me longer'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'J hates the new me and despises me in general because I wasn't there for over the last few years'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I am incapable of loving or being loved".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I am incapable of physically effective and supportive relationships and agreements".
I commit myself to let the past be the past and move on with my life.
I commit myself to not let people from the past reinvigorate an old idea of myself and sabotage my new self expression.
I commit myself to start a new life and be done with the past failures and hurts.
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