Day 180

Last night I smoked weed with my girlfriend and I had this moment where my thoughts were just rolling and would not stop. And it was so disheartening and terrible because it was like my mind was this terror reigning down upon me and my body. Completely isolated from my physical awareness - just like this separate entity altogether. Which actually really sucked altogether as well. Because I did not really gain anything from it or any satisfaction it was just like hell and torment reigning down upon me from my mind. Also last night I had this huge sense of self-judgment to the point of having the thought "I am a bad person" - and that also came as the result of having thoughts about the person I was with but yet could not express because it was just useless and evil in nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I am a bad person".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a bad person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for what I do, think, and say to others to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I am no good without some sort of drug".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I am an evil person that has thoughts of evil whenever I am around another person".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of how my mind operates totally separate from me and my physical awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I am too good for Lisa".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I am too good for my own good".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I am no good at life and relationships".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "my life sucks".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "my life is a dismal existence".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "life is too hard".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "my life is no good and just filled with terror, worry, anxiety, and fear".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "my life is too hard".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "my life sucks".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my own mind and the justifications I make for not taking responsibility for my life, who I am, and what I have allowed myself to be and become as the parts of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I am a no good piece of ass and shit".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "my life sucks and my ego is just keeping on getting in my way".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate my life and who I am".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of self-intimacy and intimacy with another female.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my own self-intimacy.