Day 175

(this is a continuation of my journal of which portion I chose to use for my forgiveness and commitments)

Later in the night I was at Peanuts bar and it was karaoke night. I was just hanging out mostly just talking to people. I found a song I felt like singing and since I've never had the courage to get up and sing karaoke before, I decided I was going to give it a try and push through the resistance and fear. Right before hand before going up I could feel a sort of nervous tension building about getting up there in front of everybody. Whenever I got up there I stated that it was my first time and that I was shy and nervous - I didn't do too bad other than I missed a couple of verses because they sort of jumped out at me w/ no voice over so I was not 'on tempo' and 'picking up the verses on time'. After I was done there was a sense of relief like 'ok cool I actually did it' but as far as my actual experience I wasn't too thrilled about now was I really happy with my performance. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear singing or performing in front of a group of people or audience of people. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people judging or being annoyed or dissatisfied with me while performing in front of them as an audience. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of an audience rejecting me or booing me because they sense my nervousness and fear. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear and nervousness surrounding going up in front of a group or audience of people and performing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of expressing myself through song or dance or body movements in front of a group or audience of people. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of performing well in front of an audience. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the sense of self-judgment pertaining to 'performance' and 'how good or bad it was'. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of performing 'bad' in front of an audience of people. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of fear of judgment and therefore fear that if I were to move and express myself freely that someone would judge me, cast me out, and chastize me - and/or fear of putting myself in the situation of 'expecting' some sort of self-expression through dance or song and then 'not performing' or 'not delivering' out of fear of what people will think which then actually makes the performance 'not as good' because 'fear stopped me' - within that the fear being like a catch 22 - and giving in to the fear - creating the outcome of which the fear was based - through actually participating in the fear. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of 'fucking up' while performing in front of an audience of people. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of humiliating myself while performing a show or song in front of an audience of people. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being embarassed or showing embarassment in front of a group or audience of people while performing a show or song. 

I commit myself to accept myself - practice accepting myself - and to within that not judge myself or be overly critical of myself. 

I commit myself to care about my starting point for performing a show or song. 

I commit myself to care about me - who I am within performing a show or song in front of people. 

I commit myself to care about how I am when performing a show or song in front of people. 

I commit myself to care about being honest with myself within performing a show or song in front of an audience of people. 

I commit myself to care about me within what I am doing. 

I commit myself to be honest and true with myself about why I am doing what I am doing and when it comes to various forms of expression in front of or on display to an audience of people.