Today whenever I went to the church to pick up bread I was on my way home and as I was driving away I had a thought to go and check out the workforce and gov't assistance services they provide at the food bank from which I had just left. Within this I noticed that it wasn't a 'bad' thing to do nor a 'waste of time' but however considering that fact I realized that I had a certain pre-disposition towards doing it - and that pre-disposition was to slough it off, make excuses for not going eg. "waste of time" - "i can do the same thing at home" "I just left - too late"- and within this sort of disposition that came up automatically after a very innocent thought about going to do something that was not going to be harmful or bad in any way - I realized that this entire paradigm was a form of resistance, lazyness, and excuse. The primary emotion involved was actually fear - and in one quantum leap of a moment the idea came up, a reaction to that idea came up, and that reaction being filled with the emotion of fear - I immediately saw all of this arising in a singular instance - where this pre-programmed disposition as to 'how I would proceed in response to this thought' - manifested in an actual physical tenseness that proceeded with a form of 'jerking' reaction that was sort of this automated program as to 'how I would behave and move in a particular moment similar to this' - within that the 'jerk' reaction almost overtaking my physical body completely, if I allowed it and followed it out of fear- where as the 'jerk' reaction would be to immediately follow this 'automation' within the starting point of fear, lazyness, and procrastination - and the charge of that emotional body holding a 'fervency' that in all practicality was 'unwarranted'. Within this quantum moment of all this arising in a singular instance within a span of about 3-4 seconds - I flagged this immediately as 'automation' and 'preprogrammed' - and within that 'pre-programming' most importantly a form of resistance - which signaled it was something that I actually NEEDED to do rather than how in the moment my pre-programming was labeling it as 'highly optional' veiled with fear as justification for following the 'knee jerk' reaction - based in lazyness, procrastination, and fear.
What was so interesting about this whole paradigm in that moment was how seemingly 'strong' this program was as far as how poignant this possession was considering the nature of the whole context -ie. a seemingly trivial decision - turned into a complete possession of 'no no no don't do that' followed by 'excuse, justification, fear etc'. Within this the full nature and context of the 'relevance' of this particular instance of a pattern was not exactly 'obvious' on the surface considering the 'low impact' of such a decision - yet within the nature of how strong my reaction was to it in leaning a certain way even though the decision was seemingly 'low impact' - the relevance revealed itself within the intensity of such reaction - thus quantifying it as actually the BIGGEST point ever.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into and accept the essence of procrastination by way of lazyness to direct me instead of me taking charge of me and my life and directing me within taking self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed lazyness and procrastination to become a part of me through excuses/justification.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the excuses and justification that because others are procrastinating through making excuses for why they have procrastinated that it is acceptable for me to do as well, not realizing that I have to face the consequence of this personally and that because another is allowing it doesn't shield me from that consequence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of not making enough money to be to pay my rent, my credit card bills, my insurance, and my car payment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear and resistance of making money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny and/or block out of my mind any and all possibilities for making extra income through multiple means instead of relying solely on one avenue or frame of mind with regards to making money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist making money through the means that I am aware of and had success with in the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my life collapsing through stupid or careless spending on things that do not matter at all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the seemingly trivial moments of a pattern of behaving and acting that is based in excuse, justification, fear, and a fervent conviction as if 'my free choice is greater' in such moments than the practicality of what life dictates is needed irregardless of the seemingly 'trivial' nature such decisions and moments hold as seen through the lens of the mind not realizing that the points the mind trivializes and accompanies with fervent convictions for a certain way backed by emotional possession are actually the mountainous points within my mind and actually the furthest away from the most trivial.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slough off the seemingly 'small' moments of pre-programmed reactions manifesting in relation to a particular onset or motion arising within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trivialize reactions and emotional possessions of energy within my mind based on a perceptual surface judgment of the nature of said reactions and the context of how said reactions arose and thus the nature of who I am or another is within participating within such reactions as if some points within the mind are less than others - thus
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the points within my own mind as if I am higher or greater than the mind thus in a position to judge which are which in severity or relevance thus not realizing that to stand equal to the mind implies there is no lesser or greater in the total equation thus to judge the points within the mind in a hierarchial fashion would be to separate myself from it defeating the whole point in equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
What was so interesting about this whole paradigm in that moment was how seemingly 'strong' this program was as far as how poignant this possession was considering the nature of the whole context -ie. a seemingly trivial decision - turned into a complete possession of 'no no no don't do that' followed by 'excuse, justification, fear etc'. Within this the full nature and context of the 'relevance' of this particular instance of a pattern was not exactly 'obvious' on the surface considering the 'low impact' of such a decision - yet within the nature of how strong my reaction was to it in leaning a certain way even though the decision was seemingly 'low impact' - the relevance revealed itself within the intensity of such reaction - thus quantifying it as actually the BIGGEST point ever.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into and accept the essence of procrastination by way of lazyness to direct me instead of me taking charge of me and my life and directing me within taking self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed lazyness and procrastination to become a part of me through excuses/justification.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the excuses and justification that because others are procrastinating through making excuses for why they have procrastinated that it is acceptable for me to do as well, not realizing that I have to face the consequence of this personally and that because another is allowing it doesn't shield me from that consequence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of not making enough money to be to pay my rent, my credit card bills, my insurance, and my car payment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear and resistance of making money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny and/or block out of my mind any and all possibilities for making extra income through multiple means instead of relying solely on one avenue or frame of mind with regards to making money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist making money through the means that I am aware of and had success with in the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my life collapsing through stupid or careless spending on things that do not matter at all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the seemingly trivial moments of a pattern of behaving and acting that is based in excuse, justification, fear, and a fervent conviction as if 'my free choice is greater' in such moments than the practicality of what life dictates is needed irregardless of the seemingly 'trivial' nature such decisions and moments hold as seen through the lens of the mind not realizing that the points the mind trivializes and accompanies with fervent convictions for a certain way backed by emotional possession are actually the mountainous points within my mind and actually the furthest away from the most trivial.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slough off the seemingly 'small' moments of pre-programmed reactions manifesting in relation to a particular onset or motion arising within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trivialize reactions and emotional possessions of energy within my mind based on a perceptual surface judgment of the nature of said reactions and the context of how said reactions arose and thus the nature of who I am or another is within participating within such reactions as if some points within the mind are less than others - thus
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the points within my own mind as if I am higher or greater than the mind thus in a position to judge which are which in severity or relevance thus not realizing that to stand equal to the mind implies there is no lesser or greater in the total equation thus to judge the points within the mind in a hierarchial fashion would be to separate myself from it defeating the whole point in equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
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