So right now in this moment in my life I am sort of in this very interesting situation that has manifested as a result of following various dimensions of fear coupled with resistance - and that is that over the years I have sort of proven to myself and especially in the past 2 years - that I can have an impact on people - and that my application of writing, self-forgiveness, and even my rituals such as shaving my head - practicing that diligence, consistency, and within the rituals acting as reminders and symbols of my dedication to my life, my practice, my purpose, and my awareness that I can live and be so much more - and that its been the consistency of practice - and discipline to direct myself to the best - and application within the starting point of taking self-responsibility for myself, my world, my experience, my creation, and even the people in my life that are showing me parts of myself that needs correction
Yet lately there seems to be a disconnect - and that has come primarily through the participation in a relationship - where within its dominion I have allowed myself to compromise my application - out of fear of what the other will do say or think - as I have allowed myself to subject myself to emotional abuse through various means in order to maintain the connection - and that connection initially starting as an unconditional sharing, giving, and receiving relationship - the strengths being the ability to communicate with one another without judgment, fear, or worry and the ability to maintain physicality in the face of issues and dilemmas mostly emotionally charged ones. There are a myriad of dimensions to this relationship - but unhappiness on both sides - and lots of emotionally charged conflict - these conflicts stemming from a myriad of points that should be discussed and seen if they can be resolved - some of these points if not most of them - stem from a level of compromise on both's parts in order to be together in the attempt to explore new territory and new ground with another - especially in the case where initially you both feel like you have a good connection and foundation primarily through physicality - and through that both are expressing one another's gratitude for one another. I'm trying to figure out and map out what is going on with this and what is the best thing moving forward for both of us. And while contemplating this wondering if the thoughts and feelings I am having that are moving toward disconnect - or hinting at a big issue - are actually valid or just pre-programmed versions or ways of 'getting out' 'escaping' or 'giving up on us'. All the while the moments of abuse are very real and very traumatic in the moment. This emotional abuse stemming from one's unhappiness within the agreement. AHA initially this was an agreement and that agreement was to 'be with each other, support each other, and grow together into a forest of life" - but yet along the way it started to become abusive where one is attempting to gain power over another - and essentially tell the other what to do - and not so much in a directive way but more in a belittling way which is abuse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent my partner for all the times she has reacted to me and lashed out at me in anger, contempt, and utter frustration.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand the need to establish a clear starting point for our relationship that is based in self-honesty - rather than reasons of systems of the mind or for reasons that suit systems of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself accountable to another in inferiority or superiority as if that person is my master.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for how I feel, how I experience myself, and how my life is going with others as well.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner and her fear as the reason my relationships other than her are the way they are - and within that only the relationships primarily based in fear or out of fear - are the ones that are being upheld.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the fate of another becomes my fate if they wait to forgive themselves - within that submitting to the ideas of the system - which disregard self-forgiveness - dis-regard self-change - and promote self-interest as the only respectable way of living.
Yet lately there seems to be a disconnect - and that has come primarily through the participation in a relationship - where within its dominion I have allowed myself to compromise my application - out of fear of what the other will do say or think - as I have allowed myself to subject myself to emotional abuse through various means in order to maintain the connection - and that connection initially starting as an unconditional sharing, giving, and receiving relationship - the strengths being the ability to communicate with one another without judgment, fear, or worry and the ability to maintain physicality in the face of issues and dilemmas mostly emotionally charged ones. There are a myriad of dimensions to this relationship - but unhappiness on both sides - and lots of emotionally charged conflict - these conflicts stemming from a myriad of points that should be discussed and seen if they can be resolved - some of these points if not most of them - stem from a level of compromise on both's parts in order to be together in the attempt to explore new territory and new ground with another - especially in the case where initially you both feel like you have a good connection and foundation primarily through physicality - and through that both are expressing one another's gratitude for one another. I'm trying to figure out and map out what is going on with this and what is the best thing moving forward for both of us. And while contemplating this wondering if the thoughts and feelings I am having that are moving toward disconnect - or hinting at a big issue - are actually valid or just pre-programmed versions or ways of 'getting out' 'escaping' or 'giving up on us'. All the while the moments of abuse are very real and very traumatic in the moment. This emotional abuse stemming from one's unhappiness within the agreement. AHA initially this was an agreement and that agreement was to 'be with each other, support each other, and grow together into a forest of life" - but yet along the way it started to become abusive where one is attempting to gain power over another - and essentially tell the other what to do - and not so much in a directive way but more in a belittling way which is abuse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent my partner for all the times she has reacted to me and lashed out at me in anger, contempt, and utter frustration.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand the need to establish a clear starting point for our relationship that is based in self-honesty - rather than reasons of systems of the mind or for reasons that suit systems of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself accountable to another in inferiority or superiority as if that person is my master.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for how I feel, how I experience myself, and how my life is going with others as well.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner and her fear as the reason my relationships other than her are the way they are - and within that only the relationships primarily based in fear or out of fear - are the ones that are being upheld.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the fate of another becomes my fate if they wait to forgive themselves - within that submitting to the ideas of the system - which disregard self-forgiveness - dis-regard self-change - and promote self-interest as the only respectable way of living.
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