Day 225

Been sleeping alot the past few days. Don't like this time of year very much. Ready to go back to work and running the business. Feeling pretty empty right now. Feeling lost, confused, lonely, apathetic, and worried too. Feels like I'm losing sight and direction of my purpose a bit. The only things that help are writing, forgiveness, and posting those.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ruled by emotional experiences and mental states instead of becoming the director of my life in what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the mind, the system, and the fear that my acceptance and allowance or another's acceptance and allowance or another's fate will become mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that my partner's fate will become mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the system orchestrating demon possessions and me into demon possession.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I will not be whole without a physical partner in my life.

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed the fear that Lisa will never be what I want her to be and will never give up her past as that which keeps her from really discovering her potential and future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the idea and belief that using drugs accomplishes anything substantial in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I am not good enough for life, for Lisa, or for any other woman.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that Lisa is holding me back and abusing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that life is terrible and I have no say in it or in my destiny or future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that I must put up with abuse because it is ok and that its better to put up with abuse because of the belief that I am not good enough and that if I don't I will have no one - and that no one else wants me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that it is ok to tolerate abuse even when the evidence in a moment is clear that it is unacceptable - and that the continuance of that abuse is unacceptable entirely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the idea and acceptance of co-dependence between two people as an ok thing, healthy, or acceptable especially when abuse is present and ongoing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the acceptance of abuse from my partner disregarding the fact that it is unacceptable completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the abuse of co-dependence not realizing that this is unacceptable nor what is best for two people in any relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and alowed the feelings and experiences of emptiness, loneliness, and isolation whenever I am alone which constantly impulses me to fill that experience by being with someone or something even whenever that may lead to abuse or acceptance of things that compromise me through 'fitting in'.

Day 224 Decentralized Financial Ledgers To Implement Basic or Living Incomes

As I've been doing alot of research inside the cryptocurrency space of the internet it seems as thought the blockchain could be a significant force within allowing the populations of the world that are unbanked and essentially de-centralized already to have access to the funds needed to support themselves and have at least a basic dignified existence.

This could be a family in sub-saharan Africa that does not have the money for basic sanitation, food, and clean drinking water. But with the generous gift of components of technology suchas a computer or a smartphone, they could all of a sudden have the ability to receive and send payments through the various blockchain ledgers seamlessly without things such as a bank account or identification card. As long as merchants and their peers recognize and accept the same form of payments then the various forms of institutionalization are no longer keeping them from having the basic things that they need to live - whether its because they are too weak or hungry to walk 10, 20, 30 miles to go and get an identification card to open a bank account or there are literally no ways to make enough money in their local currency on any sustainable basis month in and month out.

Ultimately the various or even a single blockchain ledger that can move seamlessly between people and banks could facillitate the implementation of a Living Income or Basic Income in various parts of the world that need it the most. Which then could exist as a model for the rest of the world showing two things simultaneously - the usefulness of the blockchain in a single use case - and the efficacy of an idea such as Living Income and what it produces in a local economy. A ledger that could be inherently designed for such a task could be developed to implement this and as long as this particular ledger's underlying asset could be transferred into local currency fairly easily - so that merchants would take it as form of payment - We would have an extremely viable and important use case for crypto and blockchain ledgers.

Day 223 - Crytpocurrency and The Rise of Bitcoin

The crytpocurrency market and the rise of Bitcoin has come as a result of a growing distrust and declining confidence in the markets of fiat currency as a form of value transfer. This was originally the inspiration behind its creation as well as the practical need for a more efficient means for transferring value between and across markets with ease that one would expect in our day in age considering all of the other technological advances and breakthroughs we have made as a whole.

The rise of crytpocurrencies and the problems it will solve have been likened to how the internet solved the problem of information transfer. Now as a result of innovation with the internet protocol space companies like Google and Yahoo have streamlined information transfer through connecting single words to an entire database of information regarding those words and have sorted the results according to efficacy and relevance. The same can be done to currency where the transfer of value through currency can be tranaferred anywhere and to anybody in the entire world in seconds wherein sending payment for something becomes as easy and simple as sending an email - all you need is an address and that person can have instant access to that money. The problem right now within the crytpocurrency space is liquidity which is essentially once you send that payment to someone how easy and how fast can they turn around and use that for something that they physically need. This is also an issue of existing infrastructures and values that everyday consumers hold onto when it comes to " what is payment - what is money - how do I pay - where is the money".

For the past 10 years the transfers of money have been more and more amalgamated with the technologies existent within this world. For example the push for people to start using their phones through things like android pay and apple payment to pay for goods and services have been in the works for years. This is pretty much the starting point for people to start thinking about payment from a purely digital perspective wherein no longer do you need physical cash or even a physical debit card to make payment - but you need a digital bank account accompanied with a digital wallet that can be transferred to a digital ledger (a merchants bank account) in order to exchange the physical value that is sought. This is essentially the process of evolution with regards to the transfer of value wherein the process is equal to the capabilites of our technology.

The reason the crytpocurrency market space has been slow to develop is because of existing outdated infrastructures with regards to money. This is also dependent on the users willingness and ability to comprehend and use something entirely new and different from what they've always known. Thus the infrastructure needed to make the transition into a more digital space with regards to money transfer has been slow to develop not only because of the cost to transition for an entire ledger but also because most people would not understand how it works what you did and why you did it in the first place - but most of all human stubbornness does not like change especially when it comes to the processes for which they distribute their lifeline - and especially whenever they do not understand those processes.

Day 222

Today has been pretty relaxing. Had intercourse several times early in the day and then went to sleep for a few hours which was nice to just relax and not worry about anything for the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing my focus or direction for my placement within the system in order to facilitate effective change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of abdicating my responsibility to myself as equal to the world system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of abdicating my responsibility to life as myself through the acceptance and allowance of limitation through another or my own. 

Day 221

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a disrespect for the laws of this country as a result for seeing many of them as 'unjust' and 'corrupt' not realizing that disobeying the laws and disrespecting the laws regardless of the injustice of them - abdicates my responsibility and any power I possess in order to change them to just.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have the right and even the responsibility to disobey unjust laws.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is my perogative to disobey and break laws that I see as unjust within the justification that it is best for all not realizing that what would be best for all would be to work to change the laws into what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that it is my responsibility to obey the law - as this is a form of self-respect - and that for one that desires the laws be changed to that which is best for all - he/she has to take the responsibility to work towards changing them - instead of waiting for some savior in the sky to swoop down and change everything - or even wait for others that see the same injustices to do what needs to be done.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my abilities and my capacity to take responsibility for my life - this world and this reality.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify why the laws are the way that they are - abdicating any responsibility personally for the existence of such laws - not realizing that doing nothing - only is a form of acceptance of this injustice - thus confirming to myself that this is the way it should be implied tacitly through making no efforts toward changing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the excuses of fears, emotional tantrums, moments of instability to be the foundation point for not taking responsibility for even a single point within my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of change and fear of the unknown as justification for why I have not taken action and responsbility towards creating a sustainable, free, and stable financial future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must accept the most atrocious evil by default as a result of financial circumstances in my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that it is my responsibility to create the financial future I need moving forward - and as well within this to allow my lack of financial freedom and stability to impede me from taking necessary actions and steps with regards to what is best for all within my immediate relationships.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that it is my responsiblity and my duty to not allow evil to reign by default as a result of financial circumstance - thus is my duty to move myself to make money within the bounds of the law - to have the power and directive authority to not allow such evil to embody me as a result of accepting and allowing it through participation and association with those with no awareness of their evil nor any intention for practically removing it - and changing themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invest myself, my time, my energy, and my life into people that do not actually want to change - nor when showed the way exhibit any authority of integration with what is being showed in a way that shows real action and effort towards changing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am the real leader of any group that I am part of and any relationships that I participate within because of my continuous application and dedication towards real change through applying the most powerfully effective tools known to man in the efforts towards 'know thyself'. 

Day 220 - "Smoke and Gun for Trump-Russian Collusion Snowstorms in Smoke and Gun for Fake News"

Glenn Greenwald "The U.S. Media Suffered Its Most Humiliating Debacle In Ages And Refuses All Transparency Over What Happened"

Interesting how this whole dynamic of the Media's reporting and the question of its basic authenticity is now being exposed BY THEMSELVES as not authentic whatsoever- as a result of their complete desperation to oust Trump, his administration, and basically the threat that he poses to the establishment that has been running this country for such a long time going on for decades since the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. And the one thing the U.S. Media does NOT want is that which is the only thing that would validate that authenticity in any significant way - and that is actual accountability. And the reason they do not want actual accountability is because they have played the role of propaganda arm for special interests for such a long time - ever since the assasination of President John F. Kennedy Jr. was president - who was the only President in the 20th century to significantly challenge establishment agendas in any significant way - namely openly and actively speaking to the American people directly about such agendas and means of obfuscation and corruption. As Trump has been doing since his public declaration of running for president and during time in office. 

Day 219 - Separation of Church and State

Important to understand that the separation of Church and State is truly the most evil thing that people could do unto themselves as the Law of Equality as God is not reflected in the Law of Man - yet Man is Bound to the Law of God - regardless - and as such Man is LOST in his own demons and inherent Evil as the LAW of MAN implies that He is NOT BOUND to the LAW of GOD and EQUALITY - and that is all he will ever be bound to for REAL - therefore it is NOT SO in REALITY. 

Day 218 - Laws and Money Part 2

So in this world we operate under a paradigm and that paradigm exists within a system of exchanging energy or what we call money - and that energy that we call money is an energetic representation of consciousness - and that consciousness is a part of a design - and that design is the representation of what human beings exist within and as consciousness - as that which they have collectively accepted and allowed as the image and likeness of themselves and therefore how all relationships within the collective will form and play out. This design and the outflows of it are largely based on what the collective have placed value upon through generations of acceptance and allowance.

Since the design of human consciousness and the exchange of that which human consciousness has placed value is transferred as energy through a money system - the design of this particular system creates a foundation for the transfer of value throughout the collective - this value reflecting what the collective have placed their faith and trust over generations. Thus since the starting point for the exchange of all value - as that is the 'currency' of consciousness - value - 'as that which we place value in' as a 'belief system' or 'belief structure' - as this 'currency' flows through the veins of consciousness like blood as that which fuels and upholds the current accepted and allowed manifested design as human consciousness represented through the placement and upholding of a particular 'value system' - is the basis for all human manifested designs as acceptance and allowance as that which upholds the 'current system' of 'currency' - the design of this system of exchange and the values that it actually represent in its design - is that which will be impulsed throughout human consciousness as that which will be accepted and allowed as the very nature of how 'consciousness' and the 'value system' is 'upheld' - as the design of this system will impulse the acceptance and allowance of all outflows of such design in every facet within consciousness - thus the importance of that which is placed value upon within the systematic design of such an exchange system - is of the utmost importance in the determination of 'what will become the collective value system through impulsed acceptance and allowance' and/or 'what will become the collective structural resonance' of consciousness as that which will form and create all relationships in that image - thus as well what are all the possible outflows of this particular design within the values or ideals it is based upon - as the outflows of this design will be taken to its utmost in manifested examples of 'what this creates' because that will be the cross reference for creation to understand the 'value' and 'relevance' within the nature of this design 'as that which we want to continue or not'.

Thus currency and the design of this system of exchange is the key to designing the structural resonance of the human as that which the human will be impulsed - inundated - and ultimately specifically designed or pre-programmed to accept and allow - thus creating themselves and all others in that image and likeness - obviously within that - the quality or actual value within that acceptance and allowance will determine the quality of all relationships within - and all outcomes of those relationships in every way conceivable.

Day 217 - Procrastination

Today whenever I went to the church to pick up bread I was on my way home and as I was driving away I had a thought to go and check out the workforce and gov't assistance services they provide at the food bank from which I had just left. Within this I noticed that it wasn't a 'bad' thing to do nor a 'waste of time' but however considering that fact I realized that I had a certain pre-disposition towards doing it - and that pre-disposition was to slough it off, make excuses for not going eg. "waste of time" - "i can do the same thing at home" "I just left - too late"- and within this sort of disposition that came up automatically after a very innocent thought about going to do something that was not going to be harmful or bad in any way - I realized that this entire paradigm was a form of resistance, lazyness, and excuse. The primary emotion involved was actually fear - and in one quantum leap of a moment the idea came up, a reaction to that idea came up, and that reaction being filled with the emotion of fear - I immediately saw all of this arising in a singular instance - where this pre-programmed disposition as to 'how I would proceed in response to this thought' - manifested in an actual physical tenseness that proceeded with a form of 'jerking' reaction that was sort of this automated program as to 'how I would behave and move in a particular moment similar to this' - within that the 'jerk' reaction almost overtaking my physical body completely, if I allowed it and followed it out of fear- where as the 'jerk' reaction would be to immediately follow this 'automation' within the starting point of fear, lazyness, and procrastination - and the charge of that emotional body holding a 'fervency' that in all practicality was 'unwarranted'. Within this quantum moment of all this arising in a singular instance within a span of about 3-4 seconds - I flagged this immediately as 'automation' and 'preprogrammed' - and within that 'pre-programming' most importantly a form of resistance - which signaled it was something that I actually NEEDED to do rather than how in the moment my pre-programming was labeling it as 'highly optional' veiled with fear as justification for following the 'knee jerk' reaction - based in lazyness, procrastination, and fear.

What was so interesting about this whole paradigm in that moment was how seemingly 'strong' this program was as far as how poignant this possession was considering the nature of the whole context -ie. a seemingly trivial decision - turned into a complete possession of 'no no no don't do that' followed by 'excuse, justification, fear etc'. Within this the full nature and context of the 'relevance' of this particular instance of a pattern was not exactly 'obvious' on the surface considering the 'low impact' of such a decision - yet within the nature of how strong my reaction was to it in leaning a certain way even though the decision was seemingly 'low impact'  - the relevance revealed itself within the intensity of such reaction - thus quantifying it as actually the BIGGEST point ever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into and accept the essence of procrastination by way of lazyness to direct me instead of me taking charge of me and my life and directing me within taking self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed lazyness and procrastination to become a part of me through excuses/justification.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the excuses and justification that because others are procrastinating through making excuses for why they have procrastinated that it is acceptable for me to do as well, not realizing that I have to face the consequence of this personally and that because another is allowing it doesn't shield me from that consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of not making enough money to be to pay my rent, my credit card bills, my insurance, and my car payment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear and resistance of making money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny and/or block out of my mind any and all possibilities for making extra income through multiple means instead of relying solely on one avenue or frame of mind with regards to making money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist making money through the means that I am aware of and had success with in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my life collapsing through stupid or careless spending on things that do not matter at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the seemingly trivial moments of a pattern of behaving and acting that is based in excuse, justification, fear, and a fervent conviction as if 'my free choice is greater' in such moments than the practicality of what life dictates is needed irregardless of the seemingly 'trivial' nature such decisions and moments hold as seen through the lens of the mind not realizing that the points the mind trivializes and accompanies with fervent convictions for a certain way backed by emotional possession are actually the mountainous points within my mind and actually the furthest away from the most trivial.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slough off the seemingly 'small' moments of pre-programmed reactions manifesting in relation to a particular onset or motion arising within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trivialize reactions and emotional possessions of energy within my mind based on a perceptual surface judgment of the nature of said reactions and the context of how said reactions arose and thus the nature of who I am or another is within participating within such reactions as if some points within the mind are less than others - thus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the points within my own mind as if I am higher or greater than the mind thus in a position to judge which are which in severity or relevance thus not realizing that to stand equal to the mind implies there is no lesser or greater in the total equation thus to judge the points within the mind in a hierarchial fashion would be to separate myself from it defeating the whole point in equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 

Day 216

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of socializing at parties without feeling the pressure or need to drink or do drugs in order to 'fit in'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being perceived or seen as weird or socially awkward.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the fear of being an outcast or a misfit in various social hierarchies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that people judge me negatively for things I do and participate in such as shaving my head daily.
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the idea that I am superior to others because of the way I do things and my lvel of knowledge and intellect and vocabulary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of standing up for myself withing giving clear and concise answers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that people judge me negatively for things I participate within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I am incapable of existing within a 'normal' social network of people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the idea that I am superior to others because of the way that I do things, my level of knowledge, intellect and my vocabulary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of standing up for myself within giving clear concise anwers as to what I want and what I will accept and allowe and what not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear I am no good.

I forgive myself that I 

Day 215

So right now in this moment in my life I am sort of in this very interesting situation that has manifested as a result of following various dimensions of fear coupled with resistance - and that is that over the years I have sort of proven to myself and especially in the past 2 years - that I can have an impact on people - and that my application of writing, self-forgiveness, and even my rituals such as shaving my head - practicing that diligence, consistency, and within the rituals acting as reminders and symbols of my dedication to my life, my practice, my purpose, and my awareness that I can live and be so much more - and that its been the consistency of practice - and discipline to direct myself to the best - and application within the starting point of taking self-responsibility for myself, my world, my experience, my creation, and even the people in my life that are showing me parts of myself that needs correction

Yet lately there seems to be a disconnect - and that has come primarily through the participation in a relationship - where within its dominion I have allowed myself to compromise my application - out of fear of what the other will do say or think - as I have allowed myself to subject myself to emotional abuse through various means in order to maintain the connection - and that connection initially starting as an unconditional sharing, giving, and receiving relationship - the strengths being the ability to communicate with one another without judgment, fear, or worry and the ability to maintain physicality in the face of issues and dilemmas mostly emotionally charged ones. There are a myriad of dimensions to this relationship - but unhappiness on both sides - and lots of emotionally charged conflict - these conflicts stemming from a myriad of points that should be discussed and seen if they can be resolved - some of these points if not most of them - stem from a level of compromise on both's parts in order to be together in the attempt to explore new territory and new ground with another - especially in the case where initially you both feel like you have a good connection and foundation primarily through physicality - and through that both are expressing one another's gratitude for one another. I'm trying to figure out and map out what is going on with this and what is the best thing moving forward for both of us. And while contemplating this wondering if the thoughts and feelings I am having that are moving toward disconnect - or hinting at a big issue - are actually valid or just pre-programmed versions or ways of 'getting out' 'escaping' or 'giving up on us'. All the while the moments of abuse are very real and very traumatic in the moment. This emotional abuse stemming from one's unhappiness within the agreement. AHA initially this was an agreement and that agreement was to 'be with each other, support each other, and grow together into a forest of life" - but yet along the way it started to become abusive where one is attempting to gain power over another - and essentially tell the other what to do - and not so much in a directive way but more in a belittling way which is abuse.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent my partner for all the times she has reacted to me and lashed out at me in anger, contempt, and utter frustration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand the need to establish a clear starting point for our relationship that is based in self-honesty - rather than reasons of systems of the mind or for reasons that suit systems of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself accountable to another in inferiority or superiority as if that person is my master.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for how I feel, how I experience myself, and how my life is going with others as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner and her fear as the reason my relationships other than her are the way they are - and within that only the relationships primarily based in fear or out of fear - are the ones that are being upheld.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the fate of another becomes my fate if they wait to forgive themselves - within that submitting to the ideas of the system - which disregard self-forgiveness - dis-regard self-change - and promote self-interest as the only respectable way of living. 

Day 214

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of drunk people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of caring for my neighbors.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of showing care and concern for people through practical action moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of showing care and concern for people in my life and around me.