Day 175

(this is a continuation of my journal of which portion I chose to use for my forgiveness and commitments)

Later in the night I was at Peanuts bar and it was karaoke night. I was just hanging out mostly just talking to people. I found a song I felt like singing and since I've never had the courage to get up and sing karaoke before, I decided I was going to give it a try and push through the resistance and fear. Right before hand before going up I could feel a sort of nervous tension building about getting up there in front of everybody. Whenever I got up there I stated that it was my first time and that I was shy and nervous - I didn't do too bad other than I missed a couple of verses because they sort of jumped out at me w/ no voice over so I was not 'on tempo' and 'picking up the verses on time'. After I was done there was a sense of relief like 'ok cool I actually did it' but as far as my actual experience I wasn't too thrilled about now was I really happy with my performance. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear singing or performing in front of a group of people or audience of people. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people judging or being annoyed or dissatisfied with me while performing in front of them as an audience. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of an audience rejecting me or booing me because they sense my nervousness and fear. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear and nervousness surrounding going up in front of a group or audience of people and performing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of expressing myself through song or dance or body movements in front of a group or audience of people. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of performing well in front of an audience. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the sense of self-judgment pertaining to 'performance' and 'how good or bad it was'. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of performing 'bad' in front of an audience of people. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of fear of judgment and therefore fear that if I were to move and express myself freely that someone would judge me, cast me out, and chastize me - and/or fear of putting myself in the situation of 'expecting' some sort of self-expression through dance or song and then 'not performing' or 'not delivering' out of fear of what people will think which then actually makes the performance 'not as good' because 'fear stopped me' - within that the fear being like a catch 22 - and giving in to the fear - creating the outcome of which the fear was based - through actually participating in the fear. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of 'fucking up' while performing in front of an audience of people. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of humiliating myself while performing a show or song in front of an audience of people. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being embarassed or showing embarassment in front of a group or audience of people while performing a show or song. 

I commit myself to accept myself - practice accepting myself - and to within that not judge myself or be overly critical of myself. 

I commit myself to care about my starting point for performing a show or song. 

I commit myself to care about me - who I am within performing a show or song in front of people. 

I commit myself to care about how I am when performing a show or song in front of people. 

I commit myself to care about being honest with myself within performing a show or song in front of an audience of people. 

I commit myself to care about me within what I am doing. 

I commit myself to be honest and true with myself about why I am doing what I am doing and when it comes to various forms of expression in front of or on display to an audience of people. 

Day 174

Today was pretty interesting in many ways. ( I didn't write much this evening but wanted to do a blog of mostly some forgiveness statements and self-committments).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of fear itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of self-expression in self-honesty.

I commit myself to gratefulness and being grateful for what the people in my life have offered to me as their support.

I commit myself to be grateful and not take for granted the big and the small things the people in my life have offered as their unconditional acceptance and support.

I commit myself to be grateful for the things life has given me and people have given me - especially when and as I am down on myself for not having 'everything I want'.

I commit myself to realize and appreciate those in my life that support me and appreciate me even within my flaw.

I commit myself to realize the aspects of grace of acceptance and acceptance that exists within others towards and with me - to appreciate this to reciprocate as much as possible.

I commit myself to not take the little things people do for me and provide for me for granted.

I commit myself to not take people for granted. 

Day 173

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I'm not good enough nor do I have enough money for the woman/women I desire".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "life is dull".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "life is boring".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "life is too boring and menial".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "life is short".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "life is meaningless".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "life is full of conundrums".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "life is unacceptable at this stage in process".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "life is stupid".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "life is so boring".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "life is boring and dull without cocaine or any drug that gives you a rush".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I am stupid".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I am useless and no good".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed "I am no good".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "my life sucks".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "my life is horrible".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "life is terrible".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "life sucks".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I suck at life".

I commit myself to care about myself and do what is best for all in self honesty.

I commit myself to care about my life and take responsibility for my life in self honesty.

Day 172 - Self Committments

I commit myself to do what is best for all and stop using drugs.

I commit myself to love my neighbor as myself.

I commit myself to care about my life and who I am.

I commit myself to care about myself and doing what is best for life.

I commit myself to care about me. 

I commit myself to care about who I am and where I am going.

I commit myself to care about life and living

I commit myself to care about this life. 

Day 171 - Blogging 'For others' vs. 'For self'

So one thing I can still see within my ‘blogging’ is writing from the perspective of ‘helping other people’. I know that this is a dishonest starting point for writing my blog because my blog is about me only and my process – and my process is not about ‘helping’ anybody – especially whenever I do not have ‘directive principle’ over my life. Especially when I have not ‘grasped’ the ‘process’ in its totality and what it means for me and how I need to approach it and live within its ‘bounds’. 

Day 170 -

Lately I've been putting off writing my blogs which I know based on experience and over time that whenever I write my blog more regularly or daily that my life is much better and goes much better.


So I guess this brings up the point of 'procrastination' and recently I clearly identified a physical indicator that I have been 'living' this 'word' in my life. The point that identified itself was a basket of clothes that I really don't wear that were gifts for Christmas. These clothes had been sitting in a basket unfolded for a couple of months now since its march and I got them December 25. Obviously within this physical indication of 'procrastination' and/or even 'laziness' it was clear that these clothes needed to be 'dealt with'. So within that moment I immediately applied myself to move and 'deal with' the clothes in the proper manner which included putting most in a bag in storage and some to fold and put away in the closet or drawers. So that day I started writing about 'procrastination' and 'laziness' because I clearly saw within this realization that I had been 'putting off' 'dealing with these clothes' that there had to exist some point of procrastination and/or laziness within my life and living that I haven't not sorted out nor maybe even have been aware of to the extent to which it may actually be affecting my life and creating unnecessary consequences - as evidenced by the extent to which I had put off 'dealing with the clothes' even though I live in a studio and everything is always 'in its place' 'put away' 'disorganized' 'dirty' etc clearly and evidently because I can see everything in my studio all the time because its 'all around me all the time' because the place is so small. So the fact that I had just then realized that I needed to 'deal with' these clothes and thus did it in that moment - and the fact that this point has existed within my immediate environment and line of sight for the duration of its existence - clearly indicated that this point of 'procrastination' and 'laziness' was something 'here' and 'needed to be dealt with'. Identifying the point was within the framework and context of 'thoroughly' cleaning the entire house. I notice that within that and within doing many different tasks points that 'went unnoticed' or 'forgotten' usually 'reappear' in space and time and 'present' themselves as 'this needs attention'.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off, postpone, and wait on directing points to completion that presents themselves within my reality - where in the moment of 'choosing' to 'postpone' and/or 'directing' - 'directing' is always better because I immediately take responsibility and sort it out instead of 'waiting' and 'postponing' - which within living 'postponement' and 'waiting' obviously these things have bigger significance than perceived by the example of 'the basket of clothes' - and within that represents that I may be 'waiting' and 'postponing' my entire life - as within the realization of the principle of 'the small is the big' and 'the big is the small' - within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the significance of 'small points' having 'huge relevance' and vice versa and that within directing myself and my life to what is best for all - and living and becoming the directive principle of my life - small and big points have equal measure within the 'relevance' of 'sorting them out' within the goal and objective of becoming the directive principle of my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the significance of seemingly 'small' things in my life that 'need attention' such as the basket of clothes that needed to be put up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait and postpone on completing necessary tasks within my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'waiting' and 'postponing' is beneficial even though it is only delaying the 'inevitable' - and within the 'practice' of 'waiting' and 'postponing' I am amalgamating myself within these words within my life which will create consequences, chaos, and havoc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait and postpone on completing necessary tasks/duties within my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to and/or deny that 'putting things off' does not accomplish 

Day 169

I love myself. I care about myself. I want what is best for myself, my life, and for all.
I commit myself to do what is best for all to bring about a change within my life, within myself, and within this existence as whole so that we can have true life and living on earth that is in the image and likeness of 'what is good' and 'what is best for all life'.

I commit myself to stop my paranoia surrounding taking the practical steps and actions as that which accumulates me and my life into a version that is best for all - and within that developing and practicing self-honesty so that I can begin to trust myself - begin to trust my capability and my capacity to live with integrity and being true to myself.

Day 168

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of letting go of the past and starting a new life and a new future for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being honest with myself and true with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of doing what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to denigrate and deny the relationships I have formed instead of taking action and making them the best they can be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the future and the fear of something bad happening to me that would ruin my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of going to jail or prison.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of fucking up my life beyond repair and regretting my decisions.

I commit myself to take responsibility for my life and make the decisions and take the action that is best for all.

Day 167

I love myself.
I care about myself.
I want what is  best for myself. And I want what is best for all.
Self-honesty. What is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of what I have created as my life as consciousness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my life as consciousness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of consciousness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of who I am within and as consciousness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of what I do and who I am within what I do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of how I interact and relate to people within this culture and systems of culture.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of how I am, act, and behave around people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of how I interact and behave at the workplace and with customers.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of how I interact and behave around my peers and coworkers.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my self-expression within self-honesty. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of who I will be if I let go of energy , the mind and reveal myself within self-expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of who I will be if I take responsibility for my mind and the design that is me here and let go of the mind as energy.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the fear of letting go of the mind as energy.

Day 166 - Redefining Self Honesty

Self - Honesty:

Define:
To be in a state of continuous clear "seeing" of all "dimensions" of "reality" where no thought, emotion, or feeling ever intereferes or is present within one's state of awareness and "seeing" all "things" and all "dimensions" of "reality".

Re-define:
A process one goes through within "taking responsibility" for one's life, what exists within one's mind and consciousness - and within this "taking responsibility" one directs one's self and one's life within doing 'what is best for all' and stopping one's mind - and applying one's self to bring forth awareness and self-responsibility.
- In this 'process' and 'taking responsibility' one is 'empowered' to create one's life and one's existence as a whole to what is best for all
- a process of taking responsibility for one's mind and directing one's life and applications to bring forth awareness and change within and without within the image and likeness of what is best for all

Living:
I commit myself to live, apply, and act upon my redefinition of self-honesty as a 'process' where one takes responsibility for one's life, one's mind, and one's existence within the context of self-awareness and self-responsibility within stopping the mind - and living/applying one's self in ways that are best for all

Day 165 - Redefining Nervousness

Define:

                To be in a state of heightened "nerves" where one's mind and body are "on edge" so to speak.

Redefine:

               To live the moments of one's life where the "nerves" guid one to act in ways that are best for all and live in ways that are best for all.

Living:

              I commit myself to live, apply, and act in ways that concur with the redefinition of "nervousness" as "to use the "nerves" of one's mind and body to act in ways that are best for all" instead of ways guided by the "nerves" of the mind within the context of being "on edge" and being guided/directed by emotions and feelings 

             

Day 164 - Redefining Anxiety

Define:

A state of perpetual panic and/or apprehension about something bad happening coupled with symptoms of nervousness

Redefine:

A state of "flagging" where one's application/living is not in accordance with what is best for all as what is best for self so that one can realign self and self-living to what is best for all

Living:

I commit myself to live, apply, and walk the redefinition of "anxiety" as a state or moment of "flagging" where my application/living is not in accordance with what is best for all as self here so that I can "realign" self and self-living to what is best for all here.