Day 239 -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build and create resistances to making phone calls as a result of imagining speaking with timidness and fear in the sound of my voice , imagining that they can hear that timidness and fear in my voice, and fearing how it would make me feel if that were to happen and what they would think of me in that moment or how that might disrupt their comfortability in that moment or comfortability or confidence in me or with me in general, and fearing that doing so would amplify this timidness and fear sound in my,voice in future phone calls.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of taking a chance and making a phone call on the whim that would be daring.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instantly imagine the case of failure as fear, shyness, and timidness coming through the sound of,my voice while speaking on the phone after tho king about making a specific phone call.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear and resistance to making a regular phone call that is a part of my business and necessary in my business or necessary in the formation of another business.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel,insecure around groups and groups of men, feeling that they are judging me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of making a daring phone sales cold call where I dont know what would happen in that call as it would be a mystery, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that that call would go bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being honest with myself around others.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the fear of hurting others in conversation or group conversations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of making a bad impression with somebody in person or on the phone because I'm too high to communicate effectively because i let myself be timid at some point within talking to others beforehand whether it was them or someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the the thought ' I can't talk on the phone right now'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the emotion of fear and fright connected to the imagination of talking on the phone coupled with the thought ' I can't talk on the phone anymore, I lost my confidence '

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed

Day 238 - The Problem With The "Free" Market

The first compelling thing you probably noticed in the title that gave you a rough idea of one of the points I could be attempting to make within this blog post is that the "free" market is not "free" in the true sense of the word. And you would be right. Now the way that this was implied was pretty clear was it not? Hence the quotations to indicate a sort of pseudo essence or reality of the word(s) in  context right? Now the question arises would you have understood this nuanced subtlety of style in conveying a point if you had not been raised or taught in school that "this means this". The answer would be simply no because there would be no background or frame of reference other than the technical reference for what the punctuation signifies in common writing for you to make an inference about a potential point to be made or explored within the body of this writing. So therefore your background essentially determined your "freedom" in this instance whereas your "freedom" is essentially the quality of your framework.. Now this framework for which you have been programmed with to eventually put everything you see, hear, and taste within it in order to make sense of it, does not embody freedom within and of itself. It is subject to many factors that could,make it much less free in comparison to others ie. Crucial words, concepts, and illustrations could have been missing which inhibited you from coming to a very basic logical conclusion on a simple yet important topic. This does not equal freedom regardless. This is more like freedom=dependent or =entirely dependent on the quality, thoracity, and flexibility for which the framework was constructed wherein the,subject will always be bound by these parameters unless he she makes moves,on their own to,expand. All of these situations create clear defined boundaries, mesh points, glue points, and ultimately future outcomes which can be predicted to a T given that it is based on an initial all encompassing design to start with wherein this design clearly creates the future of its subjects in every way conceivable since everything those subjects see, feel, speak, touch, and interact with is based upon that initial framework with all of it flaws and all of its perfections.

This is exactly why and how there is no real "free" market in fact because all of its participants are perceivably conducting "free choice" are actually only seeing, acting, and choosing within the framework with which they were designed which actually indicates that every "free choice" can be predictably programmed to occur in exact specificity every time on time. This is not real "free choice". If a mentally challenged low iq person were challenged with some hard math problems and were not able to answer them correctly, was that their choice that they chose to be mentally challenged and get it wrong? No. It was simply an outflow of the framework in which they were brought up with, and lies in this is the discrepancy between frameworks because they are not created equal. Essentially the inequality of these frameworks collectively is what decides that there is no such thing as freedom as the discrepancy between your styles and movements is preprogrammed to keep ypu divided. And if human beings are not Equal in all ways then they cannot be free because the inequality in their initial framework structures will divide and conquer every free choice as if these battles are filled with honorable conviction based on "real" stuff. All is just preprogrammed bullshit.

Now we have talked,about how people that are not equal in their framework design in quality, thoracity, and effectiveness leads to everything becoming precisely predictable down to a T. As long as there are discrepancies in the quality given towards each piece of,the network, there remains inequality in The totality of the design. And as long inequality is existent within even a fraction of the framework, there will be no free choices.

If the market is built upon groups of people and those groups of people have been preprogrammed with all sorts of,various,levels,of,vocabulary math acne business,avumen, etc. Then you essentially have inequality that is self perpetuating. And each signatory of allowance expresses the next version of separation very well. And each point of separation serves as the precursor for the next.

Thus overall we see the consequences of denial in practice as every outflow that leads one to conclude on a very rudimentary level that this predesign is the law and truth of the land as the appearance of inequality as fact when it actually is the law of equality in action showing that for every action there is an equal and proportionate reaction.

Day 237 - Insecurity

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed for being seen with Lisa thinking that people either think she is my mom and that in a wuss or that I'm weird and she's,my girlfriend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed by Lisa in public for the non conventioniality of our relationship and how she acts in public.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being seen in public with L.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of having positive interaction and influence with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for staying with Lisa.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of,positive interaction with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought pattern of whenever and during thinking of going out and getting a job or just imagining myself doing things freely without fear in that instant suppress that imagination with the feeling of imobility, inadequacy, and insecurity, feeling like a dead weight is in my stomach and chest during that instant as an instant sort of response to the thought or imagination of being with Lisa and instantly feeling this dead weight to the thought of her, in turn suppressing my environment and imagination of me,moving myself to do something good for my future.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel deeply sorry for myself and my circumstance, expression, and experience of myself. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the placement of blame onto others, ie. My partner and my partners children for how I experience myself, my level of well being,and level of self expression doing the things i want to do. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the resistance to taking action that is best for all in my life now at this juncture, and moment in time. 

Day 236 - Attention Deficit as an Addiction

KI've noticed this point within my mind as an observation of how frequently I can get sucked into this perpetuating state of going from one point, activity, or action to another. Almost as if in the center of it is this profound deep indecisiveness and within that the idea that I'm lost, dont know what I'm doing, or confused as to where I should be focusing my efforts even if it is or actually especially if its an activity on my phone where there seems to be an insurmountable amount of possibilities of 'what I could be doing' and within this there is an uncertainty, doubt, feeling, or experience that I don't know what to focus on in that moment or the next. Its likened to a kid in a candy store who is obsessed with sweetness like walking into Willy wonkas chocolate factory and being overwhelmed with the possibilities of each offering jumping one from the next because 'trying them all' is more attractive. I've noticed that this is actually a point within itself within the mind where we each have this tendency almost as if it is an addiction to devour bites of many different things in order to satiate our thirst for 'it alll' but really actually is an addiction to limitation using the attention deficit as an excuse therefore becoming addicted to the process of allowing the attention deficit because it upholds our limitation which we are addicted to in itself. Not realizing that 'it all' is inside of us and thus we are or can be the point of that which we are seeking through these attention deficits. And that 'it all' is revealed, discovered, lived, and developed within 'one point' as the submersion of ourselves within that one point totally as who we are is that which can lead to the greatest insights and fulfillment of all of our desires because within that submersion we realize that all is one and that all of that which we are seeking is already here as ourselves within aspects of that focus, submersion, envelopment, and engulfment within that one point because that is how we realize equality through becoming equal and one to,that,one point. This reveals the greatest insight that all is one and equal where you find the one, you will find the many as the ultimate realization of self lies within the one equal to all existing as all forevermore. And that is the point of self,forgiveness, to become equal and one to,the points which we have separated ourselves from which currently exist as a reality of all of us as manifested separation. And this happens one at a time.

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to focus on one point or activity instead of,jumping from one to another.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the fear of,missing out on something different when it arises as something different from what I am currently doing as exploring the,next thing that arises habitually gets me nowhere with any one of them in a substantial way.

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that breath is the key to focus, is nourishment for my body, and the equalizer to all things.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to lay and set a foundation that is me for which I can use to know how to act in any moment.

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and live the realization that me as a foundation is the only foundation I will ever have.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that attention to breathing four counts in hold four counts and out four counts is the most effective way to stabilize myself within focus as that continuous focus on that one singular point which is equality as the physical is that which allows me to discover 'it all' and focus on other things and direct my life instead of wandering around in my head my whole life.

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that all good things are possible within focusing on the singular point of breath and then expressing, walking, and moving as and within that same force and immense source of strength that is attention to breathing where then it becomes a natural flow within its own momentum where then the benefits are able to be seen consistently thus creating, grafting, and conjuring 'more' within my life, my potential, and my self expression thus affecting self change, self movement, and ultimately self realization as equality.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the fear of my mind running from one thing to the next not realizing that this in a way stems from a point of expectation for this pattern thus serving to create this pattern.

SF on Drugs as it relates to Experiences in the Mind

I forgive myself,that i have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the power and responsibility to stop using drugs as a form of escape.

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that the after effects of drugs are only minutely chemical in most cases and much more based on expectation especially in the case of psychoactive drugs.

I forgive myself that i have accepted,and allowed myself to want to gain an experience from drugs instead of applying them as a bridge in certain moments and I forgive myself that,i have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that even in those cases the belief that 'theres something to it' and the expectation that it will change how I experience myself is more determinant to its effects than anything else and thus the continuity of the delusion that 'something will come' or 'i gain something' or ' I will feel something' as a result of this is more determinant in creating those things even though they exist within the mind and thus are not real as any experience created while on drugs or any drug that changes how you act is not a real experience and is only created as a side effect for submitting to the delusion that it is real when it is not thus indicating that since it is not real in fact the delusion is created by virtue of participating within ones mind as self dishonesty ultimately creating the delusion ones self is really doing anything of value by doing the drug instead of the drug itself creating the delusion which is commonly believed, but in reality the giving creedance to something overvalued, overhyped, overstated, and overly praised as something of true value is that which creates the delusion as the experience within the drug, as the delusion manifests stronger and or in a  particular way througn l overhyping, overvalueing, and overstating the mind, the drug existing as physical cross reference for overstatement thus self is creating the experience by virtue of its definition surrounding the drug  rather than the actual effects of the drug which can only be seen in a physical dimension here as real physical side effects - and in those cases it is only real because the delusion conjured the conditions of thoughts, emotions, and feelings within the,mind that ultimately create the physical effects. as the delusion is spawned by virtue of giving something that is not real that others or society as whole have given value to, value to.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how experiences are created through the mind within using drugs and not created by the drugs themselves.

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand the value that drugs bring from a realistic point of view as, sometimes a catalyst for change and thus can be implemented as such but not habitually as it is only really a delusion in the end within the idea that we 'need delusion' which is untrue.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to overlay and overstate the value of drugs within my mind as some form of bridge to enlightenment and a key to self realisation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the belief that drugs in general or certain drugs in general are good and should be used occassionaly not realizing that that occassional usage in the context where one does not need it as a bridge and is only inflating themselves with mind experience is a greater form of limitation acceptance than all else as every deviation from taking responsibility for filling ones self up by ones own accord and opting for an external point to do it for them is a form of disempowerment. And or especially opting for the drug to automatically 'do the work for you' with. as a form of substituting ones own responsibility to do  that for ones self and instead hoping the drug will do it, make them do it, push them to do it,  In this context the pushing can be useful in moments or certain contexts to facillitate a deviation from mechanical patterns that we automate ourselves with but still should not have any effect on us at all if we are being self honest.