Day 42

I met this woman the other day at Filippo’s and it was like an instant connection. So now like tonight we started talking on the phone and its been kind of exhilarating and exciting and insightful and deep and intimate. She is older 46 so she’s quite mature and has a lot of experience with life and the dynamics of various relationships including intimate physical relationships too. I personally think she is a beautiful lady with amazing set of eyes that are so deep yet light blue.

I’m not feeling too well right now. I did some cocaine and it was an interesting experience at first but then it got overwhelming and I started feeling anxious and anxiety ridden. It feels like its stifled my well being rather than helped it. I feel really shitty all of the sudden and it really sucks. It feels like I’m almost in a state of panic. 

Day 41

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘C is playing games and doesn’t really want to be with me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this life is a real pain in the ass’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life sucks’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is a bitch and then you die’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is crazy’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is insane’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is a shame’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is too hard’. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is bullshit –I hate everything’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is miserable – I am miserable’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is a travesty’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is boring’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is insane’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is unjust’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is a fallacy’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is cruel and unusual’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is a bummer’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is short’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life sucks’. 

Day 40

Today I had a moment where my whole experience changed drastically. It was like everything changed from being calmness, awareness, and clarity to kind of like this possession where everything was slower and my mind was more 'sharp' so to speak. Then I actually started having thoughts that were indicative of poor well being. It coincided with buying and drinking a 5 hour energy but I don't necessarily think that that was what caused the experience. I know that when I feel like that it has something to do with a separation or problem within my relationships. Maybe its the process of the mind moving within the context of my relationships. Whether that is the other person's mind is moving or maybe my mind is moving. But the change in the experience which coincided with buying and consuming the 5 hour energy coincided with an increase in the intensity of the mind's sharpness instead of being here in calmness, awareness, and inner sanctity. 

Day 39

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘C is playing games and doesn’t really want to be with me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this life is a real pain in the ass’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life sucks’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is a bitch and then you die’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is crazy’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is insane’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is a shame’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is too hard’. 

Day 38

I haven’t gotten to write much in the last week. Between working and spending time with my new girlfriend there have been moments that I felt like I should sit down and write but they were late at night and I just felt like going to sleep instead. Its nice to sit down with a cup of coffee and just relax with some writing.

Goals:

1.       Get my own place by August 1^st.

2.       Buy a truck or suv or jeep 4wd at some point.

3.       Find a better higher paying career.

I feel exhausted this morning. Like I’m getting burnt out.

I felt so exhausted at the beginning of the day. It didn’t turn around at all until I drank some espresso doubleshot by Starbucks and also getting into the groove of work and sweating a whole bunch after doing a wax helped a little too. But now I feel fine and normal but this morning I was just so sludgey and tired and exhausted. 

Day 37

Today was really fun! I went out to eat lunch with Crystal. It was really good and the vibe was happening with us. We also had sex several times today and she had a total of 4 orgasms. So it was a good day!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of saying “I love you” to my girlfriend Crystal Weipert.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of saying words of endearment and care and love to my girlfriend Crystal Weipert.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of our relationship ending or falling apart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of our relationship not working because of mine or hers desire to sleep with physically attractive members of the opposite sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my desire to copulate attractive females getting in the way of and/or ending my relationship with Crystal Weipert.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of attractive females enticing me to copulate them and therefore compromising and/or ending my agreement with Crystal Weipert.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of ending my relationship/agreement with Crystal Weipert.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of ending my relationship with Jeanne.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of ending my relationship with Crystal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing my relationship with Jeanne.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing my relationship with Crystal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of failing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being without a partner in life and sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being without a person to have and hold and be with and talk with and love and touch and caress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being without the one or a one who helps me and gives me love and attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing the one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of falling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear 

Day 36

Today was really fun! I went out to eat lunch with Crystal. It was really good and the vibe was happening with us. We also had sex several times today and she had a total of 4 orgasms. So it was a good day!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of saying “I love you” to my girlfriend Crystal Weipert.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of saying words of endearment and care and love to my girlfriend Crystal Weipert.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of our relationship ending or falling apart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of our relationship not working because of mine or hers desire to sleep with physically attractive members of the opposite sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my desire to copulate attractive females getting in the way of and/or ending my relationship with Crystal Weipert.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of attractive females enticing me to copulate them and therefore compromising and/or ending my agreement with Crystal Weipert.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of ending my relationship/agreement with Crystal Weipert.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of ending my relationship with Jeanne.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of ending my relationship with Crystal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing my relationship with Jeanne.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing my relationship with Crystal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of failing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being without a partner in life and sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being without a person to have and hold and be with and talk with and love and touch and caress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being without the one or a one who helps me and gives me love and attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing the one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of falling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear

Tonight Ive been thinking about Crystal and where we stand as a couple. We haven’t disclosed online yet that we are together in the relationship status part of facebook. So I am worried that if we do not do that soon that we will grow apart fast. 

Day 35 - Defining, Redefining, and Living "What is Best for All"

Defining, Redefining, And Living What is Best For All

Defining:

As I look at this word within myself I think of doing what is best for all. Over the years since I was introduced to this term or philosophy for living I was always confused as to the difference between ‘best for all’ and ‘best for me’. But I guess all is me.

Redefining:

Best for all as the eking out of my utmost potential in all facets of life.