Lately mostly as a sort of byproduct for the tendencies, dispositions, starting point, past history, and secret mind motivations of my intimate partner who i sleep with every night and have done so for the past 2 years, i have been influenced by these components that go into who she is and how she lives her life. Whether out of necessity by feeling obligated, by boredom, or sheer apathy i have delved into some of the areas which represent components of her personality which i would have previously staved away from in good conscience as well as even judged extensively as a generally repulsive and repugnant venture to partake in considering all of our other options availavle, one of these cases being unapologetic compulsive gambling.
The most interesting thing i have found within this tendency towards gambling is quite the opposite of what i exactly expected, pictured in my mind, and/or sort of congregated a whole myriad of thought processes surrounding the entire subject which i then labeled in my mind as 'thats gambling' before actually having any substantial experiwnce with the actual physical activity. Nothing that i had conjured in my mind as forms of knowledge and viewpoints towards the subject was actually anything close to a deeper physical awareness of what the gambling addict is actually doing and or the casual gambler is doing.
What i found is that gambling is a 'rush' its an adrenaline high, its a 'thrill'. Thats whats really going on physically within the gambler is just like other adrenaline seeking activities, however this one just happens to be 'playing with your lifeline' so to speak, not to discredit how almost all adrenaline seeking activities in some form or another are 'playing with their lifelines' in some way or another. Its the encounter of danger while simultaneously moving forward with the prospect of prospering in the face it that is so appealing and 'addicting'.
How i came to realize this clearly was whenever i had some bonus money left over in my online casino account. I figured i could potentially take these miniscule bonus funds and turn it into something big which could finance my poker education/playing and help me and my partner out financially in the mean time. The prospect of that potentially happening as a real verifiable possibility by all accounts coupled with the confidence in the idea that i can help determine the outcome in my favor in efforts to tip the scales of 50/50 towards my half, gave the journey such zest and actually an air of optimism or self confidence in myself just by virtue of trying against the odds while the possibility of failing being quite high and that possibility of failing having severe consequences to my mental, emotional, physical, and financial well being overall as the power of money or the lack thereof can be the most powerful detriment to the minds of men, bringing the kings of kongs of men to their knees in efforts to seek retribution for their 'sinfulness'. Its that context of gambling that the 'addict' is really 'addicted' to because the dynamics within the mental emotional psyche are so complex yet so real and consequential that it almost befits the 'addict' as the effort being of some sort of version of self testing to see what they are really made of...and if they lose can they get through the torment and self agony and misery that awaits them...
But back to my experience so i figured i would dabble with these bonus funds and what i found was that in some instances i thought i had figured a method to tip the weight of the scales in my favor, which coincided with going on a winning streak of sorts. And within this winning streak and each successive submission of my bets to the table for another opportunity to 'make it big' within the realization that the small incremental wins precede the massive quantum leaps and that everything counts and there is that chance of a quantum leap after each incremental win, as i pressed on and continued my submissions i noticed a very poignant change in my body chemistry or state. My heart began to pound and my breath became sort of nonexistent where i would find myself letting out deep breaths like the capture of ones attention in a horror film stumbling for some balance and stability in the midst of the pulsating drum of the urge or 'need' to 'press forward' and keep submitting in order to defy the odds.
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