I am contemplating going out and having a drink or just going out for just its own sake. I mean its probably primarily based on finding or meeting a woman to have sex with or have sex with in the future. I just started to get ready to go out after writing this and a small minor “sign” stopped me. This tendency to continuously see things as signs as it pertains to ‘what i should do’ is from my knowledge, the result of being indecisive about whether or not to stay with the partner i was with before i left her and left the state. Ever since i was there near the end and ever since i left its like my mind has been bombarded with this like indecision so much so that i will teeter between ‘doing this...or that’ even regarding such seemingly menial things such as deciding what shirt to wear. This permeates into almost every decision in my life at the moment.
As a remedy to this condition, over the past year and a half or so i have been committing myself and moving myself to do tasks and chores almost religiously in order to give myself the time and space to experience moments where the objective or goals of the tasks are clear, and how to go about them or completing them are pretty clear or self evident or in many ways not as important as seeing the task through to its conpletion and feeling satisfied with the result in order to alleviate this uncertainty of ‘what should i do’.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be uncertain and indecisive about every single thing i do or dont do in a moments time as if getting it ‘wrong’ is going to be the death of me.
I forgive myselfthat i have accepted and allowed myself to be consumed by indecisiveness and uncertainty about even the most seemingly menial things.
