Day 42

I met this woman the other day at Filippo’s and it was like an instant connection. So now like tonight we started talking on the phone and its been kind of exhilarating and exciting and insightful and deep and intimate. She is older 46 so she’s quite mature and has a lot of experience with life and the dynamics of various relationships including intimate physical relationships too. I personally think she is a beautiful lady with amazing set of eyes that are so deep yet light blue.

I’m not feeling too well right now. I did some cocaine and it was an interesting experience at first but then it got overwhelming and I started feeling anxious and anxiety ridden. It feels like its stifled my well being rather than helped it. I feel really shitty all of the sudden and it really sucks. It feels like I’m almost in a state of panic. 

Day 41

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘C is playing games and doesn’t really want to be with me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this life is a real pain in the ass’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life sucks’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is a bitch and then you die’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is crazy’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is insane’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is a shame’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is too hard’. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is bullshit –I hate everything’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is miserable – I am miserable’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is a travesty’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is boring’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is insane’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is unjust’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is a fallacy’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is cruel and unusual’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is a bummer’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is short’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life sucks’. 

Day 40

Today I had a moment where my whole experience changed drastically. It was like everything changed from being calmness, awareness, and clarity to kind of like this possession where everything was slower and my mind was more 'sharp' so to speak. Then I actually started having thoughts that were indicative of poor well being. It coincided with buying and drinking a 5 hour energy but I don't necessarily think that that was what caused the experience. I know that when I feel like that it has something to do with a separation or problem within my relationships. Maybe its the process of the mind moving within the context of my relationships. Whether that is the other person's mind is moving or maybe my mind is moving. But the change in the experience which coincided with buying and consuming the 5 hour energy coincided with an increase in the intensity of the mind's sharpness instead of being here in calmness, awareness, and inner sanctity. 

Day 39

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘C is playing games and doesn’t really want to be with me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this life is a real pain in the ass’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life sucks’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is a bitch and then you die’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is crazy’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is insane’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is a shame’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is too hard’.