Day 98

Last night I went to bed a lot earlier than I wanted to after I got off the phone with my “girlfriend”. Then I woke up at 3:30. Then went back to sleep and woke up an hour later. I can definitely feel the difference from sleeping from 10:30 to 4:30 and/or from the waking up and going back to sleep part as far as the mind is concerned and how much my mind is active vs. not going to bed later and not writing a blog before I went to bed. Needless to say I feel like shit in comparison.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the hypnotic possession in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of how the mind moves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of when the mind moves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of how the mind operates.

I commit myself to learn how the mind functions and operates. 

Day 97

 Today I woke up in semi-misery. Not misery but just like feeling dead and empty inside.

Today has been ok. Not near as bad at work like this past week. Think it has something to do with writing more, posting blogs, and writing in the morning before work.

Today has been fairly cool. I actually got to joke with C alot making sex jokes or euphemism sex jokes. My night sort of ‘lightened up’ a little bit during that period of back and forth texting and especially after some of the scheduled drivers went home. I feel like that was the ‘point’ where things started to change inside of myself. Corresponding with the text messaging, call from my mom, and a lot of the other drivers going home. Not sure exactly the exact point which held prominence with regards to the change in how I was experiencing myself. That’s something I always wonder about because I can predominantly experience myself a certain for several days and/or predominantly experience myself a certain way a whole day or for a couple of hours and then it can all of the sudden change where I am now experiencing myself in a new way that feels better – and in less inner darkness and turmoil. Maybe it had something to do with the banana I ate after I ate some pizza. Maybe it had something to do with how I was expressing myself with others at work or with customers. These are all things that I wonder if they all have an equal role or equal part in how my experience is being created. Because at other times it can make no sense whatsoever as to why or how I experience myself in a certain – usually a very negative experience – or the experience has a very negative connotation – usually ruled by fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this world is doomed’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this world is fucked up’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this world is dumb’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this world is entirely my fault’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘this world is entirely ego based’. 

I commit myself to care about my life, my world, this reality, and all the life that exists upon/within it. 

Day 96

Today has been a big pain in my ass. I went surfing which was fun but my chest hurts because my sternum protrudes and hits the board so it bruises. So that part wasn’t fun. Then I went to dunkin donuts with my “girlfriend”. And I wanted to have sex with her but she didn’t because I’m having an outbreak of herpes on my penis. Then I got home and tried to sleep some which didn’t work out too well. And whenever I couldn’t sleep anymore I was in this moment of being ‘stuck’ like I didn’t know what to do next. So I got a shower, shaved my head, and started studying. The studying is quite an arduous task because I’m trying to get it done all in one swoop instead of committing myself to study a little bit each day. And also as far what I should write down and what not to write down in order to move the studying along at a reasonable pace is another challenge posed within my studying. I also listened to a portion of a sermon of my brother’s pastor talking about the broader topic of “difficult people” and the sub-topic of “manipulative people”. This reminded me of my girlfriend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being manipulated by people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that if I am being manipulated then I will accept and choose a lesser version of myself because I will conform to their manipulation instead of what is best for all life as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of manipulation and the outflows/consequences of its acceptance and allowance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that manipulation will hurt me in the short term and the long term.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that if I am accepting and allowing myself to be manipulated then I will be condemned to a lesser version of myself.

I commit myself to study each day for 1 hour for that will allow me to better retain the information within my course.

I commit myself to care about myself and my life.

I commit myself to care about who I am, what I am, where I am, and how I am. 

Day 95

Today I went to work at my electrician job and my pizza delivery job. The most profound things that stand out to me were a couple of things that occurred whenever I was at the pizzas delivery job. I was doing my deliveries and I was singing a sort of song that I had just made up. While singing the song I got these feelings that I have been writing about and have been experiencing for a long time since I was 10 years old as earlier as I can remember experiencing these feelings. Afterwards I felt absolutely terrible, miserable, devastated, the whole lot of emotions that I go through whenever I experience these feelings – always afterwards. So within that experience I was completely and utterly miserable. So I decided to just fold boxes to keep myself focused on something and occupied. Afterwards I went on a delivery and still in the midst of all those emotions I didn’t know exactly how to handle it so I started saying self forgiveness out loud. “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate life”. “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as miserable”. “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will never get through misery and suffering”. “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought “I am miserable and suffering”. “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of misery and suffering to overpower who I am as life”. Some of those statements I just added in but the first few I said out loud while in the car on a delivery. As I was arriving back to the store I noticed an immediate change in myself where I could continue on without being in such a perpetual state of being miserable and therefore suffering inside of myself. Later on I did more forgiveness. “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about life”. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing myself into a version of me that cares about life and respects life – a version of me that is best for all”.

I commit myself to be careful about my exposure to certain music and even singing music in familiar tones that would invoke or provoke these feelings within me that so clearly send me into undesirable emotional states.

I commit myself to practice self forgiveness out loud to see how I can benefit and change as a result.

I commit myself to be aware of the words and the vocabulary that defines and exhibits certain emotional imbalances so that I can see the essence or the words that I am dealing with regarding these experiences of emotional imbalances.

I commit myself to care about life in all forms equally.

I commit myself to care about myself, my life, my well being, and my utmost untapped potential.