Day 94

Today I had a really good day on the job training to become a licensed electrician. I really enjoyed the work, it was hot, it was hard work, and very physically demanding which I enjoy. I actually learned a lot my first day and really jumped in there hands on to get the tasks I was assigned completed. I didn’t really have an emotional reactions or experiences at work because when you’re working with your hands and doing manual labor you really don’t have time for it – you have to be efficient in what you do and get in there and do it – the mind takes a backburner big time. Overall your physicality takes over and you just go with it doing each task as they are assigned or needed to be done. I did however have some ‘disturbing’ thoughts sometimes throughout the day and then especially after I left the jobsite. It was like this ‘paranoia’ or ‘homophobia’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in paranoia about others thinking or believing that I am gay.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that others think or perceive me as being gay.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of homosexuality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and participate within homophobia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within homophobia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the concept or idea that I am homosexual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that I am homosexual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire men.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have sex with men.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire penises.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire male genitalia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as bisexual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being bisexual is cool or appealing to the opposite sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being bisexual is a real form of sexuality or sexual expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be bisexual.

I commit myself to stop my desire for male to male sexuality.

I commit myself to stop my fear of male to male sexuality.

I commit myself to stop my thoughts of being with a male.  

Day 93

So today I had this period in the morning where I went into this experience where I was having thoughts/backchats incessantly about the people I work with, my current job, and then it branched out to the world in general.

So the nature of the thoughts was like really nasty stuff like ‘I hate this place’, ‘so glad I’m leaving this place’, ‘I hate all the people I work with – their all abusers’. All kinds of shit of the like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I hate all the people I work with because they are all abusers’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I hate my job, my coworkers, and my boss because they are all dishonest people with no self-will and self-integrity’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘I hate all of life because it is all a lie and all bullshit with none of it real whatsoever’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is all just a fallacy’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is bullshit’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is a chaotic hell-hole with no self-honest people willing to change themselves and therefore the system as a whole’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is an egotistical mess with no self-integrity and no self-honesty’. 

Day 92

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of living dangerously.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being in an agreement with somebody.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being a good person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of living my self expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of living self-expression in self honesty.

I commit myself to live myself within self honesty.
I commit myself to live my self-expression within self-honesty.

Day 91

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate my life, I hate C, I hate everything".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate everything about C".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate everything about my relationship to/towards C".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate myself for allowing C into my life as a relationship".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate my life with C".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought "I hate my existence within and as relationship with C".
I commit myself to care about my relationship to/towards C in the context/form of what is best for all.
I commit myself to form my agreements/interactions with her according to what is best for all.