DAY 90

So today I had this experience where I was at home in my rv doing my studying and I was having trouble concentrating on the lesson material. I had planned to go to a couple places or call them to follow up on some job applications. Because I was having trouble concentrating I decided to go to the store to get a 5 Hour Energy thinking it was going to help me concentrate better. My experience on the way to the store was calm, cool, collected. I could feel my body almost in a way that I've never felt before and/or am not used to. I don't know if that's because of all the good sex I got the night before or if it was just indication that I was doing the right thing at the moment by getting out of the house and going to the store (maybe not necessarily for the reason that got me to get out and go the store however). So I went to the store sort of in a mental experience where I was semi-frustrated that I couldn't concentrate like I wanted to. But my physical body was telling me something different by way of how I was experiencing my body getting out of the house and going somewhere. So it was almost like in my mind I was experiencing a certain thing and expecting it to continue as if my mind experience embodied or accompanied my entire physical experience all the time - but like I said the physical was revealing something different than what I expected to experience - my body was feeling nourished by way of getting in the car and going somewhere. So in my mind it was almost like 'I can't let go of me!' as in my physical experience was changing but yet in my mind I wanted to 'hold on' to my mental experience of being frustrated and semi-pissed off because I wasn't moving through my lesson material like I wanted to or 'should be'. So in my mind I was 'going to the store to get a 5 hour energy' and my body was telling me 'I'm glad you just got in the car and went somewhere'. So interestingly enough my body was feeling nourished - but in my mind the actual mental experience of being pissed off and frustrated was actually sort of fading or diminishing like my total physical experience was overpowering my mind experience or pushing it to the backburner. But in my mind I was like 'oh no! must not let go of this frustration and anger and being pissed off!'. So I went to the store kind of semi holding onto my mind experience because after all 'thats what got me out of the house' was 'i need a five hour energy' so I was on the mission to fulfill this 'want' or so called 'need'. So I got the 5 hour energy and drank it afterwards like I usually do. And right after that was when the mind experience sort of 'took over' and I could feel the sort of 'rush' that was going through me like my neck and chest all of the sudden got tighter. And whenever I left I decided to go to another store to get more 5 Hour Energy for cheaper because I spent more than I wanted on the ones I just got. And whenever I saw the store it was like a quantum physical leap in my experience - all of the sudden I was completely 'pissed off' and my face was in complete 'mean mug' mode and so now my body encompassed this mind experience all in one leap whenever I saw the store I was going to. Almost as if the store itself and/or potentially my quantum physical relationship to that store activated this entire personality and it was in full head on mode from there on until I went home. I was in mean mug mode the entire time I was driving to the other places looking for the locations that I was seeking but didn't have my phone/gps to get there. The only point where it stopped for a moment was when I went into Papa John's to follow up on one of my job applications. So it was like that all the way until I finally got home and when I got home I took some breaths and chilled out and I was fine - the entire experience/bubble was like bursted all in one fell sweep of arriving home.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into mean mug mode and completely pissed off because I see a corner store/convenience store I've been to before. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my 'mean mug' and 'completely pissed off' personality or 'state' was in fact a real experience instead of seeing it as a mind experience. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of how people perceive me whenever I am 'pissed off' or 'looking for attention'. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek attention from others from states of being 'pissed off' so that within that I am like 'look at me! I am pissed off right now!'. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek attention from physical deliberations that are declarations of being 'pissed off'. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek attention from others and especially females for my states of 'being pissed off' and 'hating everything'. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anything emotional used to gain attention is anything resembling real self-expression. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a moment overcome with anger and hold onto that anger for several minutes even an entire half hour. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto anger experiences whenever I see that doing so is only causing me headaches in the future. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'I hate the world and everyone in it'. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'this world sucks ass'. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'i hate everything'.

Day 89

So today I have been contemplating how to 'direct' and 'deal with' this point of where I'm sharing things on facebook about people being brainwashed - and specifically the point of people sort of coming out of nowhere particularly one individual who commented on several of my posts saying what I was sharing was 'hogwash' and 'crap'. Basically this individual nullifying what I'm posting as illegitimate and that I must accept 'his way'. Within that basically confirming that he is in fact brainwashed. So within myself I basically wanted to say 'youre a fuckin asswipe' 'get off your soapbox idiot' 'what a fucking idiot' 'what a fucking moron' 'fuck you asswipe'. All kinds of things to sort of defend myself and nullify his point of view. Within this in my mind I was looking at how he exists as some sort of an existenial part or reflection of something within me that I need to direct and take responsibility for. So here I will do forgiveness on his part.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fury and anger to anybody that would question my point of view to the point of trying to degrade or nullify their point of view.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to those who confirm brainwashing actually exists.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to those who would like to nullify my point of view, question my intelligence as a human being, and try and convert me to their lesser form of brainwashing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to those who abuse me because they cannot handle the truth of themselves and this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to those who would like to abuse me because it is in their prerogative.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to those who would like to destroy my point of view and confirm their own brainwashing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse people in self interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others whenever they present something that would question my point of view and/or present something that would confirm my brainwashing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear as it pertains to any piece of information that would disclose that I am in fact brainwashed and cannot help myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of letting go of the fear of brainwashing so that I can see the reality of brainwashing, how it exists, and how it functions in the minds of people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of letting go of my brainwashing so that I can see what it means to me and what it represents.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of brainwashed people/abusers.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being brainwashed and what it means to be brainwashed and how the mechanics of brainwashing occur and exist for all life on earth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being the point which exists for other people to see the truth of who we are as people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of people who question this world and the brainwashing that exists.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the patterns that arise in the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the relationships that I have formed with people in my own mind instead of in reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I am brainwashed and pre-programmed.
I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed the fear of the nature of how brainwashing exists today and for what reasons.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of abusing people who abuse people that stand for what is best for all. 

Day 88

I feel terrible tonight. I’m trying to ground myself and stabilize myself because I’m going through so much emotional shit tonight.

I care about myself. I care about my life. I care about who I am. I care about who I am becoming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘my life is fucked and I am doomed eternally’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is all about love’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is hell’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life fucking sucks ass’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is bullshit covered with pretty colors’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought ‘life is an evil bitch’. 

Day 87 - Fallacy of Love

Don't trust 'love'. Don't trust any feeling. All lies. 'Love' has to be the living proof that you are standing as an example of what is best for all or else it is fallacy. Of course if you support those that stands for this and you call it 'love' then so be it. But your support must reflect the same goal in at least acknowledging and getting to know the mechanics of how you are brainwashed. Watch the 'Century of the Self' to get to know how you are brainwashed and how you must seek 'love' and 'happiness' because the brainwashers implanted the feeling of lack and offered the solution in the form of 'love' and 'happiness' which they connected to products so that they could make money. Study desteni and enroll in DIP Lite. Yes we will brainwash you into a version of you that is best for all so that we can together stop the madness of the mind and consumerism so that all may live a dignified life. Not an easy road ahead. Be prepared.