Day 71 Waking Up in Gauntlet Part 2

This morning I woke up and I had that same feeling of ‘waking up in a gauntlet’. The ‘gauntlet’ representing the mind and all its troubles. This experience is also very similar to waking up being hungover. Its like waking up in the ‘gauntlet of the mind’. Usually waking up in this experience coincides with waking up later than is practical for example this morning my alarm went off at 6:30 and I could have gotten up and I saw within myself that I was actually ready to get up then and there but I brushed it off to the side within the desire of wanting more sleep. Coincidentally whenever I woke up the 2nd time this time actually seeing that I needed to get up and that if I slept more I would be in a rush to get to work and not have any time to myself - I experienced the 'hungover' 'drunkenness' 'waking up in a gauntlet of the mind'. 

Day 70

I’m really having a tough time in my life at this point. Don’t know what to do exactly. I’m really tired of the whole system. I need to write more than I have been but its like I’m lazy when it comes to writing. Getting really tired of the bullshit between me, my girlfriend, and my roommate. Tired of living here. 

Day 69 - Waking Up in a Gauntlet

Today I wake up around 7 later than I want to be getting up and I felt like this ‘waking up in a gauntlet’ of a mind type feeling. Usually whenever I wake up later its like the drain on my whole mind and body where you can also see it in my face where you would be like ‘you look like you’ve been through hell’ sort of look on my face. Whenever I wake up earlier there is less of this feeling in my head/mind where I feel bogged down of sorts and more of a clarity and clearsightedness with no bogged down-ness and no heaviness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'I need to wake up at 6 a.m. every day to avoid 'being in a gauntlet' whenever I wake up'. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'sleeping more makes me more mind possessed and therefore less effective and functional throughout the next day'. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of oversleeping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that if I oversleep or when I oversleep that I will be less effective and functional throughout the next day. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the mind control and mind possession of oversleeping or sleeping throughout the day. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that I require 7-8 hours of sleep in order to be functional and effective throughout the next day. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the thought and belief that I require more sleep or alot of sleep in order to be 'well rested' and therefore 'more functional and effective' throughout the next day. 

Day 68

Today after work I went to the Papa Johns to apply for a job there. I got this eerie feeling regarding one of the women who works there as a delivery driver. For some reason I was compelled to look in her direction whenever she came into my presence. It was if I was sensing something about her just being in her presence and I knew that she represents something in my environment that maybe I have denied or ignored. My initial impression or reaction towards this woman was that of her being ‘nasty’, ‘spiteful’, ‘psychopathic’, ‘depressed’, and ‘sociopathic’. There was this sort of conjecture that my presence was somehow a threat to her presence there and ‘she knew it’. ‘She would go to great ends to see that I disappear there’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge women based on ideas of human nature and human spitefulness instead of seeing that they too exist within the system of the mind which all human beings exist within and display characteristics similar to each other in varying degrees.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the judgment of the woman at Papa John’s to the point where I feel that she ‘poses a threat’ to my happiness and well being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of female spitefulness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of building a life with a female that will satisfy my desire for a healthy relationship to the physical body and therefore to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of doing what is best for all within the context of physical relationships of sex and agreements.