Day 67

Today was pretty interesting. I had a different experience at work than usual where the only difference was that I got up earlier and did some writing. I had less fear than I usually experience towards the people in my environment which was nice. It rained a lot today. I feel like since I moved here that my ‘idle’ time is more like ‘damn what the heck do I do?’ type of thing. Maybe its also because I haven’t been working a second job which I have gotten used to work taking up all of my time except for my days off and the nights that I didn’t work my second job. 

Day 66

Today I’m experiencing some anxiety and stress surrounding my sexual expressions. I feel like I’m not being fulfilled completely with my partner and still have desires to look at porn and jack off to it. Trying to figure out what I should be doing with myself today. Maybe clean my car out. Clean the leather seats and condition them. But I feel like I need to have an orgasm to get anything going today. 

Day 65

Today I woke up and the first thought I had go through my head was something to do with ‘being gay’ or something like that. I don’t even remember the exact thought. Then the second thought was going to get a cigarette.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'I am gay'. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the idea of 'being gay' within my consciousness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the idea that 'i am gay' within and as my consciousness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the idea that 'being gay' or 'being bi' is 'cool'. 

Day 64

So today I am writing on my phone because I just moved into a new place and I don't know the key to the WiFi here.

I've had an interesting day but some parts of it were quite emotional. The primary word that comes up today within as far as describing the nature of the emotions I experienced is impatience. I felt impatient towards the process of moving today and the speed at which I got everything done that needed to get done.

It was like I wanted everything to be done much faster than it was and sort of sitting back and realizing that not everybody or even maybe not even reality moves as fast as I do. So it was kind of like a realization that not everything moves as fast as I want it to especially when some of the things I do are based around commitments of help from others, especially others that do not know or realize the speed, efficiency, and thoroughness of which I do things.

So it was also a frustration I was experiencing within and as the impatience because I wanted to see things move much faster than they were. Impatience mainly describes the quality of the experience and frustration was more the nature of the experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience and tumult of Impatience and frustration.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of Impatience and frustration to lead me to give into the experience and experience it as a part of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the experience of frustration.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of fear to arise whenever I am faced with a task that needs to be completed by a certain deadline, and thus allow negative emotions to overcome and overwhelm me   whenever I am not reaching the goal of completing the task as quickly as I would like.