Day 46

Today has been extremely difficult. Sometimes its so difficult I don't know what to do with myself. Whether to destroy everything in my life so that I can start over or not. If I destroyed everything I'd have nothing and would end up probably on the streets or would end up going back to family support which would be just as good as dying. I saw that I haven't posted a blog in a whole week. That probably has a lot to do with how I have felt today. All of my time has been occupied by work and when its not work its occupied by spending time with my girlfriend. We say we are in an agreement but she doesn't live with me so I don't think it is actually. Its actually been quite a nightmare with her so far. I need to refocus my life on writing and blogging more. I need to write a blog everyday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am miserable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as miserable.

I'm so miserable its not even funny. I'm at a loss of what to do at this point. 

Day 45

There was this moment yesterday at work where I was simply just sitting down talking to one of the new employees and another employee came storming over trying to stop me from talking to her because he likes her and is afraid that I’m going to steal her from him. He said ‘you can’t just be sitting down talking bro’. Anyways it kind of pissed me off because yes I was talking but I was also doing work at the same time and there wasn’t really that much else I could have been doing without really only being in the way in the kitchen and there was only a few dishes to be done in the back. 

Day 44

Today was a pretty interesting day. I had this experience of myself that I've had before but haven't experienced in a while. It was like this 'gentleness' within myself where I was quite almost 'timid'.

So today I wake up and I feel like I got drunk last night. It seems like almost every morning lately it feels like that. And the only thing I’ve been doing differently or at the least the point where it changed and it started feeling like that was when I started “dating” Crystal.

There was a moment today whenever I was sitting outside listening to a sound recording by someone from Desteni and I dozed off to sleep. All of the sudden I was awoken by the sound of somebody screaming to the effect of ‘I’m tired. I’m done!’ sounding like the end of a relationship. Then she called 911 saying her mom was having a seizure and that she hit her head or got hit in the head. So I was outside for the duration of the police arriving and the ambulance coming. So that was interesting.  

Day 43

Today I woke up and there is this experience like I'm hungover. Almost every day since I started dating Crystal its felt like this in the morning time. I don't really know what to think about it. Whether that is a good sign or a bad sign? I don't really know what to make of the relationship as a whole because its been non-stop drama since the very beginning or since she made the move of saying we were in a relationship on facebook. Since then its been her battle and life mission to see that I'm not flirting with other women or talking with other women "because we are in a relationship" and "thats not what you do when you're in a relationship". To be honest with myself I gotta say that alot of the things that I'm being accused of are a bit hypocritical. Such as "we are in this together" but yet she's not ready to give up her life for me. "We're in a relationship" but yet she doesn't want to give up her life for me to be with me. She doesn't want to give up her life for me but yet she expects for me to give up my life for her by not talking to other women at all.