Day 28

Tonight there was a moment whenever I was sitting next to a girl and I was about to say ‘so whats your name?” and then start a conversation with her but I chickened out. I looked over and one of my coworkers gave me this sly look like ‘oh yeah go for it’ and then I sort of blushed and shook my head. Then I didn’t say anything to her. Afterwards I was like feeling like I had just tortured myself for not saying what was on my mind in that second. And I kept going over it in my mind. I felt like I had just absolutely tortured myself by not saying anything to her. Fucking fucked up. I felt so ashamed afterwards. I felt like I had just tortured myself and it was like pure tyranny. Why didn’t I say anything? Because when I looked at her body I didn’t get a point where I was like ‘she’s really attractive’. Not that she wasn’t attractive in some ways but she just wasn’t ‘picture perfect’ or anything like that. But it was a small moment and clearly I chose what was not best as evidenced by my experience afterwards

Day 27

What am I going to do with my life. It seems that money is the only thing that limits me and I don’t even trust that if I had a lot of money to not limit me that I would even enjoy living in this reality knowing that it is all fantasy. What should I do?

Problems:

1.       My family and the acceptance of their abuse has limited me extensively.

2.       Money and lack thereof has kept me from reaching out into new dimensions of myself.

3.       Women seem uninterested in me.

I feel terrible. I’m so tired of this reality and all the bullshit in it. I hate the money system. I hate that the world is so fucked. I hate that we are in this bullshit and nobody fucken knows how it works and how people react to how it works because they are the problem and they don’t want to see that. I hate that there are people that are not actually the sex their body is representing which poses a huge issue when it comes to healthy men and women’s relationships. I hate that there is such a design. I hate that that design I have personally been extensively affected by. 

Day 26

Today I went to the beach. I noticed that within myself I have a lot of fear of talking to women, approaching women, etc. because I fear that they will reject me in some way whether it be my personality, my body, my past, or even the fact that they could sense my fear in their presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of approaching attractive women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of starting a conversation with an attractive woman.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of getting along with an attractive woman.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that a woman with tattoos is no good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of having sex with women I meet or see in my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of starting a relationship/agreement with someone I see or meet in my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of going out of my way to meet a woman in my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that every woman I meet is not good enough for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being naked in front of women or a woman.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of women rejecting me because of my penis size or because it is not circumsized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of women rejecting me because I don’t have a big penis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that women will ridicule my penis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that women will not enjoy my penis or that my penis will not satisfy them fully.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that women will reject me because of my fat on my stomach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that women are or will be cruel to me with regards to my personality, my penis, my fat, and my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that women will laugh at my penis if they were to see it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful towards women because of all of these fears. 

Day 25

Tonight I am super bored. Don’t know what to do with myself. Sometimes I feel like the world has no chance because of the laws that exist to protect the elite and their profits. And then I remember what Bernard said about how after 2014 the chances become much smaller and tonight I realized that that was because that is the completion of the 7 years which the body goes through the process of entirely renewing itself based on what happened during those 7 years all the cells get replaced – the 7 years after the portal opened. Tonight what I realized was that was why he said after 2014 because that’s 7 years after the opening of the portal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of what would happen to me if I embarked on a journey to do what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of doing what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that my family will not accept me or will reject me outright if I choose to do what is best for all breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I will be ostracized and thrown out of