Day 25 - Best For All Life In Breath Awareness

So today I had the experience where everything was moving very slowly in a way. It was like not a physical slowness where time slows down. But more of a mind possession where everything seemed 'weird' as I described it to myself several times throughout the night. It was kind of like the song "people are strange' by The Doors. Where every movement one makes is in vain and not what is best for all life. As I began to slow myself down through breath it became more 'real'. There was more awareness - feeling the car, the trees, the darkness the filled the car as a result of it being dark outside. All of those things were the awareness coming through. Void of any of the 'weirdness'. The awareness was the darkness that enfolded my presence in the car.

Day 24

Today I am going to apply to the New Smyrna Chevy dealership for a salesman job. I’m going to sell myself as someone who is going to sell more cars than they ever dreamed. Then I’m going to go to Ford Mullinax and apply for a sales job as well selling myself as someone who is going to sell more cars than they ever dreamed.

Right now I’m experiencing a lot of fear and dishonesty with regards to going and applying for these two jobs. I know I can do the jobs. But the fear that I’m not good enough and all that stuff is arising within me. I’m experiencing a lot of anxiety with regards to just going there and applying for a sales job. Within this a lot of projections came up of being denied and all sorts of emotional things. But I just don’t know until I give it a shot. Then In my mind I’m coming up with all the reasons I can’t work there and what not so that I will give up and not even try. Then that is coupled with fear to provide the necessary energy so that I will not try and just give up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I’m not good enough to sell cars and that the dealerships will not hire me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I don’t have the skills and the personality to be a car salesman.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I will never escape my fate as a poor person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I will never be able to provide myself with an income that is justifiably efficient and sufficient.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that I will not be able to do the sales jobs at the car dealerships.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

I’m so petrified to go there and apply for the sales job its ridiculous. Mostly because I’m embarrassed of what I’m wearing.

After changing my clothes I wasn’t so fearful so I went ahead and applied for sales jobs at Ford Mullinax and the Chevy dealership. I went to sleep at the Quick Lane service place and after I got through with all that that entailed I was much more relaxed and not so fearful filled with darkness and incessant thoughts. 

Day 23

Today I went to church with my brothers family and my mom. I felt this disconnect whenever we there like we were sitting in the back away from the congregation and it just didn’t feel right to me like we were separated from the congregation for an unnecessary reason. We did have their little two year old son with us and that was the spot designated for mothers with infants so I guess there was some legitimacy to it but it still didn’t feel right. I wanted to be up closer with all the others. 

Day 22

Today was crazy. I got really pissed off at work and sort of blew a gasket and said how I really feel.  So I sort of blew up on my one of my managers. So yeah it was kind of crazy but anger just overcame me and I had to say something because of all the hypocrisy I was witnessing. It was quite an emotional outburst but it was forceful and I did get my way. Usually I just would have sucked up all that anger and let it ride but I didn’t this time I said what was on my mind. It felt good to a point. But afterwards I was kind of embarrassed just a little bit just because I got so angry.