Day 315

 I am contemplating going out and having a drink or just going out for just its own sake. I mean its probably primarily based on finding or meeting a woman to have sex with or have sex with in the future. I just started to get ready to go out after writing this and a small minor “sign” stopped me. This tendency to continuously see things as signs as it pertains to ‘what i should do’ is from my knowledge, the result of being indecisive about whether or not to stay with the partner i was with before i left her and left the state. Ever since i was there near the end and ever since i left its like my mind has been bombarded with this like indecision so much so that i will teeter between ‘doing this...or that’ even regarding such seemingly menial things such as deciding what shirt to wear. This permeates into almost every decision in my life at the moment. 

As a remedy to this condition, over the past year and a half or so i have been committing myself and moving myself to do tasks and chores almost religiously in order to give myself the time and space to experience moments where the objective or goals of the tasks are clear, and how to go about them or completing them are pretty clear or self evident or in many ways not as important as seeing the task through to its conpletion and feeling satisfied with the result in order to alleviate this uncertainty of ‘what should i do’.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be uncertain and indecisive about every single thing i do or dont do in a moments time as if getting it ‘wrong’ is going to be the death of me.

I forgive myselfthat i have accepted and allowed myself to be consumed by indecisiveness and uncertainty about even the most seemingly menial things.

day 314

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of future conflicts in the U.S. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of doing what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of having nothing to live for or be a part of that is worthwhile and :good for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my own tendencies towards self abuse and self destruction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of telling others what I expect of them and from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself, who I am, and what I stand for. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'I hate my life, I just want to die'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the though ' life sucks and ill never get out of this predicament'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought 'this life sucks'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences for my actions as what I have accepted and allowed within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the uncertainty in my mind/body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of the mystery or unknown in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of interacting and talking with my neighbors.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be shy and reserved and fearful towards women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being cast out by my family, my peers, and society at large and the universe. 

Day 313

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the fear of the future conflicts in the United States.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the fear of doing what is best for all. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the fear of having nothing to live for or be a part of that is worthwhile and good for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of my own tendencies towards self abuse and self destruction. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the fear of telling others what i expect of them and from them.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the fear of changing my starting point from purely self interest to what is best for all. 

Day 312

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for what i have accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to do what is best for all instead of just thinking about what is best for me or 'suits me now'.

What am I 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the fear of doing my self forgiveness around others or within the vicinity of others fearing that they will judge me. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be driven by fear instead of using common sense and whats best for all as my meatric when doing anything.